This is pretty much it!
This week is a double portion because it’s almost Simchat Hatorah!
These last few portions are super-short. Almost like the rabbis forgot how long the Torah is and are trying to stretch things to fill out a year.
How have you been enjoying this thing? Let me know if you want! I’m trying to decide out what to do when the cycle restarts!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
8: You Are All Standing
46: In which a pact is made
[Deuteronomy 29:9-30:20]
“Today,” Moshe said, “you are all standing before Yehovah, your Elohim—the heads of your tribes, your elders, your officials, all the men of Yisrael, your children, your women, and your strangers who are within your camp, from the tree-cutter-downer to the one who draws your water, to take on the covenant that Yehovah, you Elohim, is making with you from now until forever. You are standing with him today as his nation. He will be your Elohim like he said to you and like he swore to your fathers Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov.
“I do not make this covenant and all its rules with you alone, but with all who are standing today before Yehovah, our Elohim, and who are not with us today. Because you know that we lived in Mitzrayim and we passed through the other nations and saw their gross stuff—their giluls of wood, stone, silver, and gold. Maybe there’s a man, woman, family, or tribe that’s turning away from Yehovah, our Elohim, to go and to serve the Elohims of those nations—maybe the sprouting seed of poison or wormwood is within you.
“When they hear these words of rebuke, they’ll say in their heart ‘I’ll be ok, because I follow my own heart.’ But they’re heading to the inevitable end of all things, wet and dry. Yehovah will not be able to forgive him because his burning rage will come down on that man, raining every curse written in this book until Yehovah erases that man’s name from under the skies. Yehovah will separate the bad one from the tribes of Yisrael with all of the bad stuff of the covenant written in this book of teaching.1
“The last generation—your children who come after you—and the gentile who comes from lands far away will see the plagues of this land and the disease that Yehovah brought on it, sulfur and salt burning the land, to the point that it cannot be sown or produce, grass cannot be grown on it, like the destruction of Sdom and Amora, Adma and Tzvoyim, where Yehovah unleased his anger.
“Because they left the covenant of Yehovah, the Elohim of their fathers, those people will be told, ‘this was made with them when he took them out of Mitzrayim. They went and served other Elohim. They bowed down to Elohims they didn’t know and that he hadn’t given them. The rage of Yehovah was came up in this land and brought all the curses written in this book. Yehovah ripped them from the land in anger, wrath, and fury, and sent them to another land until today.’”
“‘Secrets belong to Yehovah, our Elohim. Things that are open are ours and our sons’ forever to do all the things in this teaching.’”2
“When all these things happen to you—the blessings and the curses that I’m putting in front of you—and you put them to your heart in all of these nations where Yehovah, your Elohim has sent you—and you return to Yehovah, your Elohim, and listen to his voice in all I command you today—you, your sons, with all of your heart and soul—Yehovah, your Elohim, will return what you lost. He’ll pity you and return you from all the nations where you’ve been dispersed.3
“Even if you’d been lost to the ends of the sky, Yehovah will collect you from there. Yehovah, your Elohim, will bring you to the land your fathers owned. You will take possession of it and be more than your fathers. Yehovah, your Elohim, will open your hearts and the hearts of your seed to love Yehovah, your Elohim, with all of your hearts and all of your souls so you’ll live.4
“Yehovah, your Elohim, will do all these bad things to your enemies and your haters who chase after you.5 You will return and listen to the voice of Yehovah and do all of his commandments that I command you today.
“Yehovah, your Elohim, will give you extra in everything your hands touch—the fruits of your bellies and animals, the fruit of the grounds. Because Yehovah will return and enjoy your happy times like he did your fathers. This will all be because you’ll listen to the voice of Yehovah, your Elohim, to guard over his commandments and decrees that are written in this book of teaching. Because you returned to Yehovah, your Elohim, with all of your heart and soul.
“This commandment that I command you today is not too much for you or too far from you. It is not in the skies.6 You won’t say, “who will go up to the skies to take it for us so we can listen to it and do it?”
“It is not over the ocean. You won’t say “Who will cross to the other side of the ocean to get it for us so we can hear it and do it?”
“These words are very close to you—in your mouth and in your heart—to do it.
“Look, today I’m putting life and goodness, death and evil in front of you. I commanded you today to love Yehovah, your Elohim, to walk in his ways and to listen to his commandments, his decrees, and his laws so that you will live a lot and so that Yehovah, your Elohim, will bless you in the land you’re about to go to and to take. But if you turn your heart, don’t listen, and are convinced to bow to other Elohims and worship them, I am telling you today that you will die for sure. Your days will not be long on the land you’re about to cross the Yarden to take. Both the sky and ground are witnesses today. I have put life and death in front of you. Blessing and curse. You can choose life if you want your seed to live—to love Yehovah, your Elohim, listen to his voice, and stick to him. Then, you’ll live and the days that you get to stay on the land that Yehovah swore to your fathers Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov will be lengthened.”
9: Moshe Went
47: In which Moses gets his affairs in order
[Deuteronomy 31:1-31:15]
Moshe went and said all these things to all of Yisrael.
“I am 120 years old today,” Moshe said, “I can’t really do anything anymore.7 Yehovah told me I will not cross this Yarden. Yehovah, your Elohim, will cross before you. He will destroy the nations in front of you and you will take what’s theirs. Yehoshua will lead you across just like Yehovah said. Just like Yehovah destroyed Sichon and Og, the Emori kings, he’ll destroy those nations. He’ll give them to you and you’ll do all the commandments I commanded you. Be strong! Be steadfast! Don’t get all afraid and shaky! Because Yehovah, your Elohim, walks with you. He won’t fail or leave you.”8
Moshe called to Yehoshua.
“Be strong and steadfast!” he said to him in front of all of Yisrael.9 “Because you will bring this nation to the land Yehovah swore to their fathers to give them. You are the one who will split it up for them. Yehovah is the one who will go in front of you. He will be with you. He won’t fail or leave you. Don’t be afraid or scared!”
Moshe wrote this teaching and gave it to the Koehins, the sons of Levi, who carried the box of the covenant of Yehovah, and all the elders of Yisrael.10 Moshe commanded them, saying “at the end of seven years, at the time of the shemita, on the festival of sukkot, when all of Yisrael comes to see the face of Yehovah, your Elohim, in the place he’s going to choose; read this Torah before all of their ears. Bring together the whole nation—the men, the women, the children, and the converts within your gates—so that they always hear, always learn, and will fear Yehovah, their Elohim, and guard over all the words of this teaching to do them.
“Also, their children, who won’t know. They’ll also listen and learn to fear Yehovah, their Elohim, all the days they’re alive on the ground you’re about to cross the Yarden over there to take.”
48: In which God gets Moses ready for death
[Deuteronomy 31:16-31:22]
“So…” Yehovah said to Moshe, “it’s almost time to die.11 Call Yehoshua and stand in the Tent of Witnessing so that I can command him.”
Moshe went to Yehoshua and they stood in the Tent of Witnessing.
“You’re gonna lay down with your fathers soon,” Yehovah said to Moshe.12 “This nation will rise up and sin toward the Els that are in the land they’re about to go to. They’ll leave me and invalidate my covenant that I made with them!
“I will get so mad at them that day! I will leave and hide my face from them. They’ll be like food! So many bad and sad things will happen to them!
“’This is happening because our Elohim is not with us!’ they’ll say. ‘That’s why these bad things are happening!’
“But I’ll keep hiding my face from them on that day because of all the bad stuff they did.13 They turned to other Elohim! Now: write down this song and teach it to the sons of Yisrael so they hear it in their mouths.14 This song will also be a witness in the sons of Yisrael. When I bring them to the land I swore to their fathers, flowing with milk and honey, and they eat, are satisfied, get fat, and turn to other Els and serve them, betraying me and severing my covenant, when they find that bad and sad things are happening to them; this song will answer them like a witness. It will never be forgotten from the mouths of their seed. I know the willfulness they’re making today before I bring them to the land I swore.”
Moshe wrote this song on that day and taught it to the sons of Yisrael.
49: In which Moses takes care of some last-minute things
[Deuteronomy 31:23-31:30]
“Be strong and steadfast,” Moshe commanded Yehoshua, son of Nun, “Because you will bring the sons of Yisrael to the land I swore to them. I will be with you. “
When Moshe finished writing the words of this teaching in a book, he commanded the Levis who carried the box of the covenant with Yehovah.
“Take this book of teachings,” he said, “and put it next to the box of the covenant of Yehovah, your Elohim. It will be there as a witness. Because I know how stubborn you are and how stiff your necks are. While I’ll still alive with you today, how bad you’ve been with Yehovah. How much worse you’ll be when I’m dead!15
“Get all the elders of the tribes and the officers together. I will speak these words in their ears. The sky and the ground will witness it.16 Because I know after my death you will most definitely be bad and turn from the path I commanded you to take and the bad things will happen to you because you did bad in the eyes of Yehovah and made him mad.”
Moshe spoke the words of this song into the ears of the congregation of Yisrael:17
Damn.
Really shouldn’t keep secrets.
This is an abusive relationship.
That doesn’t seem consensual.
STEP. OFF. HATERS.
The commandments are not in the skies! They belong to us!
The original old Jewish man!
Unless, you know, you do any of the bad stuff just mentioned.
Really putting him on the spot.
Kinda makes it seem like he wrote the stuff he just said, and not the entire Torah.
“You've seen things the people wouldn't believe. God’s butt on the mountain of Chorev. You watched Yehovah glitter in a bush without burning it. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the hail. Time to die.”
AKA die.
It’ll be the most intense game of Peek-A-Boo ever
This whole fucking thing. The whole goddamn Torah, was just a lead-up for God to make everyone listen to a song he wrote.
Looks like he doesn’t have a lot of faith in Yehoshua.
He’s really building up this freaking song.
To be continued! What a cliffhanger!