Week 13: Names
In which things take a turn for the very bad
Here we go again!
The thing about the Torah is it keeps starting over, again and again. This week, we begin the book of Names, starting with a multi-part epic that has been memorialized in film adaptations and even got a holiday for it. But you’ve never read the silly version, have you?
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
1: Names
1: In which we are reminded how many freaking kids Yisrael has
[Exodus 1:1-17]
These are the names of Yisrael’s sons who came down to Mitzrayim1:
Yaakov, the man and his house,2 came down
Reuven
Shimon
Levi
Yehudah
Yisaschar
Zevulun
Binyamin
Dan
Naftali
Gad
Asher
Seventy souls came out of Yaakov’s thighs.3 Yoseph was already in Mitzrayim.
Yoseph died. His brothers died. Their entire generation died.4
Yisrael’s sons were fruitful and teeming.5 They multiplied and grew superstrong. The country was full of ‘em.
2: In which things go very poorly very quickly
[Exodus 1:8-1:14]
A new king rose over Mitzrayim. This guy never met Yoseph.6
“Behold!” the new king said to his country. “This here nation, the sons of Yisrael, are way bigger than us. And they’re strong, too! Let’s be devious. If they get even bigger and a war breaks out, they might join our enemies against us and leave!”7
The Mitzrim set up tax collectors to punish the Israelites with burdens and forced them to build the storage cities of Pitom and Ramses for Paroah. Despite their pain, the nation continued to grow and burst straight outta wombs.
The Israelites disgusted the Mitzrim, who enslaved them with crushing labor and made their lives suck with hard work. They had to work with mortar, bricks, and do all the labor in the field. The Mitzrim enslaved the Hebrews with crushing work.8
3: In which Paraoh comes up with the most sadistic plan he can
[Exodus 1:15-1:22]
Paroah spoke to Shifra and Pua, two Hebrew midwives.
“When you help the Hebrew women give birth,” he said, “and you see the baby on the stone9—if it’s a boy, kill it. If it’s a girl, don’t kill it.”10
The midwives were afraid of the Elohim so they didn’t do what the king of Mitzrayim told them. They let the children live.
The king of Mitzrayim summoned them.
“Why did you do this?” he said. “You let the children live!”11
“The Hebrew women are not like the Mitrzi ones,” they said. “They’re like animals.12 They’ve already given birth before the midwives show up.”
Elohim was good to these midwives. The nation grew and got stronger. Since the midwives feared the Elohim, he made houses for them.13
“Throw every baby boy into the river!” Paraoh commanded his nation. “But let the daughters live.”14
4: In which a baby in placed in great danger in order to avoid greater danger
[Exodus 2:1-2:10]
A man left Levi’s house and took a daughter of Levi. The woman got pregnant and had a son.15 She saw her son was good16 and hid him for three months.
She couldn’t hide him anymore.17 She took a reed basket and sealed it with clay and tar. She put the boy in it and put him in the reeds by the bank of the river. The boy’s sister watched from afar so she would know what happened to him.
Paraoh’s daughter went down to bathe in the river. Her girls walked along the bank. They saw the box in the reeds so she sent her arm and took it. When she opened the box and saw a young boy crying, she pitied him.
“This is a Hebrew child!” she said.
“Should I go get a Hebrew wet nurse to nurse him for you?” his sister said.18
“Go,” Paraoh’s daughter said.
The young woman left and got the boy’s mother.
“Take this child and nurse it,” Paraoah’s daughter said to the mother, “and I’ll give you a reward.”19
The woman took the boy and nursed him.
When the boy grew up, he was brought to Paraoh’s daughter. He was like a son to her.20 She called him “Moshe” because she drew him from the water.21
5: In which Moshe learns what’s behind his cozy palace lifestyle and there is an incredible amount of plot
[Exodus 2:11-2:22]
Moshe grew up. He went outside and saw the burden of his kinsmen.22 He saw a Mitzri man hit a Hebrew man—one of his brothers.23 Moshe looked around. No one was there.24 He killed the guy and covered him in dust.25
On the second day, he went out and two Hebrew men fighting.
“Why are you hitting your friend?” Moshe said to the bad man.26
“Who made you our master and judge?” the man said. “Are you saying you’re going to whack us like you whacked that Mitzri?”27
Moshe was a little freaked out.
“People know what I did!” he said.
Paraoh heard about all this and wanted to kill Moshe. Moshe ran from Paraoh and ended up in Midyan.28 He sat on the well.29
The priest of Midyan had seven daughters. They came to the well and drew water to fill their skins for their father’s sheep.30
Shepherds came and chased them away. Moshe got up and saved the ladies.31 Then, he watered their sheep. The daughters went to their father Reuel.
“Why did you come so quickly today?” Reuel asked his daughters.32
“A Mitzri man saved us from the shepherds. He even drew water for us and watered our sheep!” they said.
“Where is he? Why did you leave him? Bring him here and we’ll eat bread.”33
Moshe agreed to chill with the man. Reuel gave his daughter Tzipporah to Moshe.34 They had a son.35 Moshe named him “Gershom” because he said “I am a stranger36 in a strange land.”
6: In which we check in on God for a minute
[Exodus 2:23-2:25]
Much later, the king of Mitzrayim died.37 The sons of Yisrael screamed and groaned from the work. Their moans rose up to Elohim, who heard their suffering and remembered the covenant he’d made with Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov.
Elohim saw the sons of Yisrael.
Elohim knew.
7: In which Moshe has a conversation with a horticultural phenomenon
[Exodus 3:1-4:17]
Moshe was walking the sheep of his groom, Yitro, a priest of Midyan.38 He drove the sheep beyond the desert until they reached Chorev, the Mountain of Elohim. One of Yehovah’s messengers appeared to Moshe as a mass of flame inside a bush.39
Holy cow! The bush was engulfed in flame but didn’t burn.
“I gotta go over there and check out this crazy thing!” Moshe said. “Why isn’t the bush burning?”40
Yehovah saw that Moshe had turned to look at the bush.41 Elohim called to Moshe from inside the bush.
“Moshe! Moshe!” Elohim said.
“Here I am,” Moshe said.
“Don’t come any closer!” Elohim said.42 “Take your sandals off your legs.43 You’re standing on holy earth right now. I am the Elohim of your fathers—the Elohim of Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov.
Moshe hid his face because he was scared of looking at Elohim.
“I’ve seen the anguish of my people in Mitzrayim,” Yehovah said. “I’ve heard them scream because of their oppressors. I know how they ache. I will come down to save them from Mitzrayim’s hand and take them from this country to a good and open country, one running with milk and honey44—to the place of the C’naani, the Chiti, the Emori, the Prizi, the Chivi, and the Y’voosi.45
“Now! The shouts of Yisrael’s sons have reached me and I have seen the oppression with which Mitzrayim has pressed them. Go to Pharaoh and take my nation—Yisrael’s sons—from Mitzrayim.”46
“Who am I to go to Paroah and take Yisrael’s sons out of Mitzrayim?” Moshe said to the Elohim.47
“I’ll be with you,” Elohim said.48 “This will be a sign to you that I sent you: when you the nation from Mitzrayim, you’ll worship the Elohim at this mountain.”49
“So I’ll go to the sons of Yisrael,” Moshe said to the Elohim, “and I’ll say to them ‘the Elohims of your fathers sent me to you.” What do I say to them when they ask me what your name is?”
“I will be what I will be,” the Elohim said to Moshe.50 “Tell the sons of Yisrael, ‘I will be has sent me to you.’ Also, say this to them: ‘Yehovah, the Elohim of your fathers—the Elohim of Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov—sent me to you. This is his name forever and this is his memory for every generation.51
“Go and gather the elders of Yisrael and say to them: ‘Yehovah, the Elohim of your fathers, appeared to me. The Elohim of Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov told me he’s kept tabs on what Mitzrayim has done to you.’ I have said ‘I will raise you from your oppression in Mitzrayim to the land of the C’naani, the Chiti, the Emori, the P’rizi, the Chivi, and the Y’voosi—to a land flowing with milk and honey.52
“They’ll listen to your voice. You and the elders of Yisrael will go to the king of Mitzrayim and say to him, ‘Yehovah, the Elohim of the Hebrews, has called us, and now we’re going to journey for 3 days in the desert and make offerings to Yehovah our Elohim.’53
“I know the king of Mitzrayim won’t let you go—not without a mighty hand!54 I’ll send my hand and smack Mitzrayim in its core with all my wonders. After that, he’ll let you go. I’ll make Mitzrayim be nice my nation so they don’t leave empty-handed. Women will ask their neighbors and their roommates for utensils of silver and gold and for clothes. They’ll put them on their sons and daughters and you’ll plunder Mitzrayim.
“They’re not going to believe me!” Moshe responded. “They won’t listen to my voice. They’ll say ‘Yehovah didn’t appear to you.’”55
“What’s that in your hand?” Yehovah said.
“A stick,” Moshe said.
“Throw it on the ground.”56
Moshe threw it on the ground. Kapow! It turned into a snake and Moshe ran away from its face.57
“Put you hand out and grab its tail,” Yehovah said.58
Moshe reached out and grabbed it. It turned back into a staff as soon as it touched his palm.
“They’ll believe,” Yehovah said, “that Yehovah, Elohim of their fathers, Elohim of Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov, appeared to you. But that’s not all! Put your hand on your bosom.”
Moshe put his hand on his bosom. When he took it out—shazam!—his hand was patchy like snow.
“Put your hand back on your bosom.”
Moshe felt himself up again. When he took his hand out, it’d returned to its normal meatiness.
“If they don’t listen to that the first sign, they’ll listen to the last one. And if they don’t listen to either of these two signs or your voice, take some water from the river and sprinkle it on the ground. The water you took from the river will turn to blood on the dry land.”59
“Listen, my master,” Moshe said to Yehovah, “I’m not a man of words. Not yesterday, not two days ago, and not now that you’ve spoken to me.60 I have a hard mouth and a hard tongue.”
“Who gave man a mouth?” Yehovah asked.61 “Who made him dumb, deaf, seeing, or blind? I’m Yehovah, baby! Now, go! I will be in your mouth and show you what to say.”62
“Please, master,” Moshe said. “Send in the hand of who you’ll send.”63
Yehovah started to get pissed at Moshe.
“What about your brother Aharon, the Levite?” Yehovah said.64 “I know he’s a talker! He’s coming to meet you right now. He’ll be very happy to see you. Talk to him and put the words in his mouth. I’ll be in your mouth and in his mouth and show you what to do.65 He’ll talk to the nation for you. He’ll be your mouth and you’ll be his Elohim. Take this staff—the one you’ll do the signs with—in your right hand.”66
8: In which God gives Moshe some last-minute directions
[Exodus 4:18-4:23]
Moshe went back to Yeter, his groom.67
“I gotta go back to my brother in Mitzrayim,” Moshe said to him, “And see if he’s still alive.”68
“Go to peace,” Yitro said to Moshe.69
“Go back to Mitzrayim,” Yehovah said to Moshe in Midyan. “All the people who want to take your life are dead.”70
Moshe took his woman and son and saddled them on a donkey and went back to Mitzrayim.71 He took the Staff of Elohim in his hand.72
“When you go to Mitzrayim,” Yehovah said to Moshe,73 “and show the wonders I put in your hands to Paroah, I will strengthen his heart and he won’t send the nation.74 Say to Paraoah, ‘Yehovah said to me, “Yisrael is my first born son.75 I am telling you to send my first-born son. And if you wait to send him, watch out! I’m gonna kill your first born.”’”76
9: In which Moshe is attacked by a God-snake for some reason
[Exodus 4:24-4:26]
On the way, at a hotel, Yehovah accosted Moshe and tried to kill him.77 Tzipora took a flint knife and cut her son’s foreskin and touched it to his legs.78
“You are a groom of blood to me!” she said.
He left them.79
“A groom of blood because of circumcision,” she said.80
10: In which Moshe drags his brother on this quest
[Exodus 4:27-4:31]
“Go and meet Moshe in the desert,” Yehovah said to Aharon.81 Aharon went and met Moshe on the Mountain of Elohim and kissed him. Moshe told Aharon all the things Yehovah said to him and all the signs he’d been commanded.
Moshe and Aharon went and gathered the elders of the Sons of Yisrael. Aharon said all the things Yehovah said to Moshe and performed the signs before the nation.
The nation believed and listened because Yehovah had redeemed the sons of Yisrael! He saw their pain. They kneeled and bowed.82
11: In which Moshe and Aharon meet an initial roadblock
[Exodus 5:1-5:5]
After, Moshe and Aharon went to Pharoah.83
“This is what Yehovah, Yisrael’s Elohim said: ‘Send my nation and let them have a festival for me in the desert.’”84
“Who is Yehovah? Why should I listen to him and send Yisrael?” Paroah said.85 “I don’t know Yehovah. Also, I’m not gonna send Yisrael.”
“The Elohim of the Hebrews called on us,” they said to Paraoh.86 “Please let us go a three-day journey in the desert. We’ll sacrifice to Yehovah, our Elohim, so he doesn’t attack us with plague or sword.”
“Why would Moshe and Aharon disrupt the nation’s work?” the king of Mitzrayim said. “Go to your own burdens!87 There are so many of them now. You want them to stop working?”88
12: In which things get even worse for the slaves
[Exodus 5:6-5:21]
“Don’t give the people straw to make their bricks like you did yesterday and the day before,” Paraoh commanded his slavedrivers and guards that day. “Now, they’ll have to gather their own straw. But they have to make the same number of bricks as yesterday. Don’t reduce it. They are lazy. That’s why they’re crying out and asking to leave and sacrifice to their Elohim. Make their men work harder and they’ll do it! Don’t listen to their lying words!”89
The nation’s slavedrivers and guards left.
“Paroah said,” they said. “’I won’t give you straw anymore.90 You’ve got to go and get straw wherever because we ain’t cutting your workload a single drop.”
The nation scattered throughout Mitzrayim to gather straw.
“Finish today’s work! You must work as though you had straw!” the drivers said, urgent.
The guards of the sons of Yisrael who’d been appointed by Paraoh’s slavedrivers were beaten.
“Why didn’t you fill your order of bricks like yesterday? Yesterday should’ve matched today!”
The sons of Yisrael’s guards came to Paraoh.
“Why do you treat your slaves this way?” they shouted. “You don’t give your slaves straw but you tell us ‘Make bricks!’ Your slaves are being beaten! You have sinned on your nation!”91
“You are lazy!” Paraoah said. “Lazy! That’s why you’re asking to leave and sacrifice to Yehovah. Now get to work. You won’t be given any straw. But you’ll still need to make the same amount of bricks.”
The sons of Yisrael saw how screwed they were when they said “do not diminish your daily tally of bricks.”92
The guards found Moshe and Aharon waiting for them when they left Paroah.
“May Yehovah look upon you and judge you,” the guards said. “You’ve soured our scent in Paraoah’s eyes and his slaves’ eyes.93 You’ve put a sword in their hands to kill us!”
Time for a recap!
Yaakov. The man. The myth. The house.
I once had a soul removed from my thigh. Fortunately, it was benign.
And like that, 70 characters are introduced and immediately killed off. This book is off to a pretty bleak start.
According to the midrash, this means the Hebrews had five or six children every time they got pregnant. Ouch.
Because he was dead.
So apparently the antisemitic trope that Jews aren’t to be trusted in their host countries has been going on since before there were Jews.
Thanks, we get it.
Coldstone Baberie.
“That’s, uh, a little fucked up, sir.”
“What possible reason could you have for not murdering babies?!”
Those Jewish ladies are wild!
According to the Jewish sages, this weird verse means that these women were actually Yocheved and Miriam, who we’re about to meet, and that the “houses” are the Davidic lines of kings and the priesthood, both of which came from those women.
One of the reasons certain Jews believe in matrilineal descent is because even if all the men are killed, like way back then in Mitzrayim, at least the girls are still alive. And you always know who the mother is!
According to Rashi, this woman literally was a daughter of Levi. She was supposedly 130 years old when she conceived this son.
Let’s be honest, though, what Jewish mother doesn’t think her son is good?
Babies start showing at three months.
She probably just walked out of a nearby bush and Paraoh’s daughter didn’t bat a heavily mascaraed eye.
Being paid to take care of your own child: the sweetest deal possible. And one that would probably help with birth rates!
Except for the whole not raising him thing.
“I drew him” shares a root with “Moshe.”
He’s had a pretty sheltered life up to this point.
According to Rashi, this Egyptian would wake the Hebrew guy up in the middle of the night, kick him out of the house, and sleep with his unknowing wife. What Moshe sees is an intimidation tactic.
According to the Sages, this means Moshe looked in the future and saw none of this man’s descendants would ever convert to Judaism. Because that makes this ok? Maybe the coast was just clear.
I hate to break it to Moshe, but dust isn’t exactly going to hide the body. Love that this character is introduced by doing a murder and trying to cover it up, though!
Which one was the bad one? Exactly.
HOW DID HE KNOW?
That’s kinda how it works when you knock a guy off. Gotta lay low for a while.
Inspiring the famous song,
Sitting on the side of the well Feeling bad cuz I killed some guy
If there were pornos back in Bible times I’m sure they would’ve all opened with guys meeting ladies at a well.
I’m a bit disappointed we don’t get to see this scene. Maybe work on that for the next draft, God.
Is he talking about their chores or the insane pace of this plot?
A man who isn’t a violent maniac? I must meet him!
YAY.
This is just speeding through this stuff, isn’t it?
“Ger” means stranger.
Always great in a book when a character is killed off without any context whatsoever.
Wasn’t his name Reuel a minute ago?
Kind of the thing you’d expect to see if you’re hanging out at the Mountain of Elohim.
And thus the roadside attraction was born.
Wait wait wait. This sounds like the bush wasn’t set up to attract Moshe’s attention but that Yehovah was just hanging out in the desert messing with the laws of physics and Moshe happened to pass by.
“Don’t look directly at the fire! It’s definitely not a hologram!”
“Put them on your hands. Now spin around three times.”
A country full of rabbits! They can play with the rabbits and pet them every day! They’ll love the rabbits, Moshe, they will!
I’m going to free them from slavery so they can conquer the land of six other desert tribes! It’s definitely fine and not hypocritical at all!
He makes it sound so easy.
“Haven’t you heard?I’m on the lam.”
“You?” Moshe said, laughing. “But you’re just a talking plant!”
That’s not really a sign. It’s more of a demand.
Huh?
So…”Yehovah?” Just wanna make sure I got it right.
Once Yehovah started talking, the plot slowed down considerably.
“Yeah, sure, and Xenu is coming in a comet to take us away.”
“I know this because I’m God and I control everything.”
Because that sounds crazy and they are smart!
And the stick clattered at Moshe’s feet, motionless. “Hold on,” Yehovah said. “I always screw up the first time. Let me try again.”
Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?
Don’t worry. It won’t bite. YET.
Ah, the old blood-to-water trick.
He’s not really helping his case with this poetic stuff.
“The Mouth Fairy?”
Weird.
This is a strange idiom that means “find someone else to send.”
You know, the one you haven’t seen in decades?
Yehovah sure does like going into men’s mouths.
So it was just lying on the floor?
This guy has seriously gotta just pick a name and stick with it.
Life must’ve sucked before texting. Just existing, completely unsure if anyone’s dead or not.
Oh my GOD, he was just Yeter! And Reuel before that! According to Rashi, this guy has 7 names: Reuel, Yeter, Yitro, Keini, Chovav, Chever, and Pootiel. Or maybe someone screwed up.
Want your soul”—cool! Also, they’re not dead, they show up later. Rashi said they were poor, so they might as well have been dead. Paroah is dead, though.
Like Jesus! Seriously! Rashi here claims this was the same donkey Avraham rode on when he took Yitzchak to be sacrificed AND the same donkey the Messiah will ride whenever he plans on showing up.
Here Rashi says one of the most frustrating sentences in Rabbinic literature:
אין מקדם ומאוחר מקדקים במקרא
ּBasically, there’s no before and after in the Torah, the biggest Rabbinic copout there is when things don’t make chronologic sense. The comic book companies WISH they’d thought of that one.
Didn’t he just go there?
This is the opposite of a pep talk.
I thought that was Adam.
Damn.
WHY WOULD HE DO THAT. GOD YOU ARE A NUT.
Tzipora, worried Yehovah was the craziest one around, decided to outcrazy him.
Who is he?
Ok!
Aharon can talk to Yehovah. Cool!
The end.
Oh, wait! It’s not the end, apparently!
No, it’s not.
Uhhhhh bad move, Paroah. Big mistake. Huge.
Well, la-dee-da!
“Mind your own business!” But make it ancient.
Um, yes. Slavery is bad, man.
Good job, Moshe. God did say this would happen.
Collective gasp.
Depends on how the vowels go, this could either mean that Paraoh sinning or that this is a national sin.
Who is “they?” It’s hard to say! Rashi says them saw b’nei yisrael as bad. Others say they saw themselves badly.
Mixed metaphors, Torah! You don’t smell with your eyes!