Week 14: I Was Revealed
In which we get the party started
Time for plagues!
What fun!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
2: I Was Revealed
13: In which Moshe calls God on his crap
[Exodus 5:22-6:9]
Moshe went back to Yehovah.1
“Why did you make things worse for these people?” Moshe said. “Why did you send me?2 From the moment I spoke to Paraoh like you told me, he was bad to them. Save them? You didn’t save this nation!”
“You’ll see what I’ll do to Paraoh,” Yehovah said. “I’ll send the people out with a mighty hand! And with a mighty hand I’ll chase you outta this land.”3
“I am Yehovah,” Elohim said to Moshe. “I was revealed to Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov in the guise of El-Shaddai. My name is ‘Yehovah.’ But I was not known to them.4 I made my covenant with them to give them the land of C’naan, the land of their living back when they lived in it.5
“I’ve also heard the suffering of the sons of Yisrael, enslaved by Mitzrayim, and I’ve remembered my covenant. Therefore, say to the sons of Yisrael: ‘I am Yehovah and I’m going to take you out from under Mitzrayim’s burden and save you from your work. I’ll redeem you with an outstretched arm and resounding judgments.6 And I will take you7 as my nation and be your Elohim.8 You’ll know I’m your Elohim, Yehovah, who took you out from under Mitzrayim’s burden.9 I’ll take you to the land where I have raised my hand to give it to Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov. I’ll give her to you as your inheritance.
“I am Yehovah.’”10
Moshe said all this to the sons of Yisrael. But they were burdened with hard work and their spirit was broken, so they didn’t listen.
14: In which Moshe wastes our time
[Exodus 6:10-6:13]
“Come,” Yehovah said to Moshe. “Go talk to Paroah, king of Mitzrayim, and he’ll send the sons of Yisrael from his land.”11
“The sons of Yisrael didn’t listen to me,” Moshe said. “How will Paraoh listen to me? My lips are clogged!”12
Yehovah commanded Moshe and Aharon to go to the sons of Yisrael and the king of Mitzrayim to take the sons of Yisrael out of Miztrayim.
15: In which there is yet another list of names
[Exodus 6:14-6:27]
These are the heads of their fathers’ houses:13
Reuven, firstborn of Yisrael
Chanoch
Phaloo14
Chetzron
Charmi
Shimon
Ymuel
Yamin
Ohad
Yachin
Tzochar
Shaul, son of the C’naani woman15
Levi (who lived 137 years)16
Gershon
Livni
Shimi
K’hat (133 years!)
Amram (137 years!) - he took his cousin Yocheved as his woman and they had:
Moshe
Aharon – he took Elisheva, daughter of Aminadav, sister of Nachson, as his woman. They had:
Nadav
Avihu
Elazar – he took a woman from the daughters of Putiel17 and had:
Pinchas
Itamar
Yitzhar
Korach
Asir
Elkana
Aviasaf
Nepheg18
Zichri
Chevron19
Uziel20
Mishael
Eltzaphan
Sitri
M’rari
Machli
Mooshi21
That’s the family of Levi!22
That’s who Aharon and Moshe, the ones to whom Yehovah said ‘Take the sons of Yisrael from the land of Mitzrayim, according to their legions.” They’re the ones who spoke to Paraoh, king of Mitzrayim, to take the sons of Yisrael from Mitzrayim. They’re Moshe and Aharon!23
16: In which we are somehow are still discussing what God wants Moshe to do
[Exodus 6:28-7:7]
During the day, Yehovah spoke to Moshe in Mitzrayim.24
“I am Yehovah!” Yehovah said to Moshe. “Say everything I say to you to Paraoh, king of Mitzrayim.”25
“I messed up!” Moshe said to Yehovah. “How will Paraoh listen to me?”
“Look,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “I’ve made you like an Elohim over Paraoh.26 Your brother Aharon will be your prophet.27 You’ll say everything I commanded you and your brother Aharon to say to Paraoh. Then Paroah will send the sons of Yisrael from his land.
“I will harden Paraoh’s heart and make a whole lot of signs and wonders in Mitzrayim. Paraoh won’t listen to you28 so I’ll put my hand in Mitzrayim and take my legions—my nation—the sons of Yisrael out of Mitzrayim with furious vengeance. When I stretch my hand over Mitzrayim and take the sons of Yisrael out, Mitzrayim will know I am Yehovah.”29
Moshe and Aharon did what Yehovah commanded them. They did it. Moshe was 80 and Aharon 83 when they spoke to Paraoh.30
17: In which Moshe has a staff-waving contest with some magicians
[Exodus 7:8-7:24]
“When Paraoh says to you, ‘Show us some magic,’” Yehovah said to Moshe,31 “tell Aharon to take his staff and throw it at Paraoh.32 It’ll turn into monster!33’”
Moshe and Aharon went to Paraoh and did what Yehovah commanded them. Standing before Paraoh and his slaves, Aharon threw his staff and it turned into a dragon.34
Paroah called his wise men and sorcerers in. The magicians of Mitzrayim did the same thing with their spells.35 Each man threw his staff and they turned into dragons. Aharon’s staff-dragon devoured theirs.36
Paraoh’s heart hardened. He didn’t hear them, just like Yehovah said.37
“Paroah’s heart is hard now,” Yehovah told Moshe.38 “He’s not going to let my people go.39 In the morning, go to Paraoh.40 He’ll be going out to the water.41 Meet him on the riverbank. Make sure you have the staff that turned into a snake in your hand.42
“’Yehovah, Elohim of the Hebrews,’ you’ll say to him, ‘sent us to you to tell you, “send my people so they can do my work in the desert.43 You haven’t listened. This’ll show you that I’m Yehovah!44 I’ll hit the water in the river with the staff in my hand and it’ll turn into blood! The fish in the river will die. The river will putrefy and Mitzrayim will exhaust itself trying to drink from the river.’”
“Then, turn to your brother Aharon,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “Tell him, ’Take your staff and point it at Mitzrayim’s water—its rivers, canals, and ponds—every body of water.45 They will become blood. In all of Mitzrayim, in its trees and in its rocks, there will be blood.46
Moshe and Aharon did as Yehovah commanded. They raised their staffs and struck the water in front of Paraoh his slaves.47 All the water in the river turned to blood. The fish in the river died and it turned rancid. Mitzrayim couldn’t drink from it. The blood flowed throughout Mitzrayim.48
Mitzrayim’s magicians did the same thing with their spells.49 Paraoh’s heart hardened and he didn’t listen to Moshe and A-dawg, just like Yehovah said. Paroah turned and went home. He gave zero fucks about this shit.
The water in the river was undrinkable. All of Mitzrayim dug around the river, searching for water to drink.
18: In which a bunch of frogs is considered a “plague”
[Exodus 7:25-8:11]
Seven days passed since Yehovah struck the river.50
“Go to Paroah,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “and say, ‘this is what Yehovah said, “send my nation so they can serve me. If you don’t send them, I will cover your borders with frogs. The river will teem with them. They’ll rise out of the river and come to your homes, your halls, and into your beds. They’ll go to your slaves’s houses and those of your people, creeping into your ovens and your kneading bowls.51 The frogs will be inside you and your people.52”’”
“Tell Aharon,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “’hold your staff over the rivers, canals, and ponds. Raise the frogs.53 They will descend on Mitzrayim.’”
Aharon raised his hand over the waters of Mitzrayim, brought forth the frogs, and covered Mitzrayim.54 The magicians also inundated Mitzrayim with frogs using their spells.55
Paraoh summoned Moshe and Aharon.
“Beg Yehovah to take these frogs away!” he said.56 “I’ll let your people go if you do! They can make sacrifices to Yehovah!”57
“You have the honor of deciding when to let us go,” Moshe said.58 “Then, I will beg for you, your slaves, and your nation. I’ll ask Yehovah to take away the frogs that’re in you59 and your house. They’ll only be in the river.”
“Tomorrow,” Pharaoh said.
“As you wish. And you will know there are none like Yehovah, our Elohim. The frogs will leave you, your house, your slaves, and your nation. They’ll only be in the river.”60
Moshe and Aharon left Paraoh. Moshe screamed at Yehovah about the frogs like he told Paroah he would. Yehovah listened to Moshe. The frogs died in the houses, the courtyards, and the fields. They piled them in massive heaps and the land stank. Just absolutely putrid. Have you ever smelled a pile of dead frogs? Me neither, but I can only assume it’s terrible.
When Paraoh saw relief had come, he hardened his heart. He didn’t listen to them, just like Yehovah said.61
19: In which you won’t believe what Aharon does with dust
[Exodus 8:12-8:20]
“Tell Aharon,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “’smack the dust with your stick. There will be lice everywhere in Miztrayim.’”62
That’s what they did. Aharaon hit the dust of the earth with his staff. Lice were on every man and animal. All the dust in Mitzrayim became lice.63
Mitzrayim’s magicians tried to make lice. They couldn’t.64 Every man and animal was covered with lice.
“This is Elohim’s finger,” the magicians said to Paroah.65 Paraoh’s heart was strengthened. He didn’t listen to Moshe and Aharon, just like Yehovah said.
“Get up early,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “and go to Paraoh when he’s getting out of the water.66 Tell him, ‘this is what Yehovah says, “Send my nation so they can worship me. If you don’t send my nation, I will send the swarm. To you, your slaves, your country, and your house. The swarm will fill Mitzrayim’s houses and the land you’re on.67 When it does, I will set Goshen, where my nation is hanging out, apart. There won’t be any swarm there. That way you’ll know that I, Yehovah, was within the land. I will redeem my nation from yours. This sign will come tomorrow.”’”
That’s what Yehovah did. A great swarm came to Paraoh’s house, his slaves’ houses, and the whole country. The land was just slaughtered by the swarm.
20: In which Paroah responds exactly how you’d expect
[Exodus 8:21-8:28]
Paraoh summoned Moshe and Aharon.
“Go!” he said. “Make sacrifices to your Elohim. But do it in this country.”
“That wouldn’t be right,” Moshe said.68 “We sacrifice the abomination of Mitrzayim to our Elohim, Yehovah.69 How can we sacrifice Mitrayim’s abomination in front of them without them stoning us? We’ll walk a three-day journey in the desert and sacrifice to Yehovah, our Elohim, like he tells us to.”
“Fine,” Paroah said. “I’ll send you and you can sacrifice to Yehovah, your Elohim. Just don’t go far. And plead for me!”
“Gad-zooks!” Moshe said. “When I leave you, I’ll plead with Yehovah to take the swarm away from Paroah, his slaves, and his nation tomorrow. But don’t let Paroah add to his deceit and fail to send the nation to sacrifice to Yehovah.”70
Moshe left Paroah and pled to Yehovah.
Yehovah did what Yoseph said and removed the swarm from Paroah, his slaves, and his nation. Not a single one was left.
Once again, Paroah hardened his heart this time and didn’t send the nation.71
21: In which pretty much all of Mitzrayim’s economy is wiped out
[Exodus 9:1-9:7]
“Go to Paraoh,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “and say, ‘this is what Yehovah, the Elohim of the Hebrews, says,72 “Send my nation so they can serve me. If you hesitate and hold onto them, Yehovah’s hand will be in your livestock in the field.73 There’ll be a very heavy sickness in the horses, the donkeys, the camels, the cattle and sheep. Yehovah74 will separate the livestock of Yisrael from Mitzrayim. Not a single thing owned by the sons of Yisrael will die. Yehovah has set the date. Tomorrow, he will bring this pestilence to the land.”’”
The next day, Yehovah did it. All the livestock of Miztrayim died.75 But not a single one of the sons of Yisrael’s livestock perished. When Paroah learnt all of Yisrael’s animals lived, he hardened his heart and didn’t send the nation.76
22: In which this all starts to feel a little pointless
[Exodus 9:8 – 9:12]
“Take handfuls of ashes from a kiln,” Yehovah said to Moshe and Aharon,77 “and Moshe, you throw them in the air in front of Paraoh. The ashes will turn to dust covering the people of Mitzrayim. Then, they’ll erupt in festering, pus-dripping, bloody boils78 on all the men and beasts in Mitzrayim.”79
They took the kiln ash and stood before Pharaoh. Moshe threw it in the air and it become bloody boils, flowering forth on man and animal. The magicians couldn’t even stand before Moshe because of their boils.
Yehovah strengthened Pharaoh’s heart and he didn’t listen to them, just like Yehovah told Moshe.80
23: In which an incredible amount of property damage is wrought on Mitzrayim
[Exodus 9:13 – 9:35]
“Get up early in the morning,” Yehovah said to Moshe,81 “get yourself in front of Paraoh,82 and say, ‘so says Yehovah, Elohim of the Hebrews, “send my people so they can serve me! This time, I’m going to send every one of my plagues to you, your slaves, and your nation so you know there is none like me in all the land.83 I could send my hand right now, engulf you and your land in pestilence, and wipe you from the planet. I have only held back so I can show you my strength and you can tell other countries my name.84
“Yet you continue to oppress my nation and not send them!85 This time tomorrow, I will rain a heavy hail the likes of which you’ve never seen in Mitzrayim from the day it was founded.86 Now, hurry! Collect your livestock and everything in your field. Every man or animal found in your field that doesn’t go home will be crushed to death by the hail.”’”
Those among Paraoh’s slaves who feared Yehovah hid their slaves and their livestock in their houses.87 Those who didn’t take Yehovah’s words to heart left their slaves and livestock in the field.88
“Thrust your hand to the sky,” Yehovah told Moshe,89 “and the hail will come to Mitzrayim—on man, animal, and all the grass of the fields.”
Moshe thrust his staff toward the sky and Yehovah brought forth thunder and hail. Fire torched the ground and Yehovah rained hail on Mitzrayim. Fire and hail intermingled inside the hail. The storm was very heavy,90 like there’d never been in Mitzrayim before.
The hail struck all Mitzrayim—everything in the field—from man to animal. All the grass got hit. The trees were all broken. Only Goshen, where the sons of Yisrael lived, was spared.
Paraoh summoned Moshe and Aharon.
“I have sinned!” he said. “This time, Yehovah is the righteous one and me and my nation are evil.91 Please, plead with Yehovah so the thunder and hail of Elohim stops. Let him send them away so they won’t stand against me no more!”
“When I leave the city,” Moshe said, “I will spread my hands to Yehovah. The thunder will stop and there will be no more hail. You will know the land is Yehovah’s. You and your slaves will know this is from Yehovah, our Elohim.”
The barley and the flax were ruined because barley blooms in the spring and the flax was in bud. But the wheat and emmer were not destroyed because they are late bloomers.92
Moshe left Paraoh and the city.93 He spread his hands to Yehovah. The thunder stopped and the hail and rain no longer beat the ground.
When Paroah saw the rain, thunder, and hail had stopped, he continued to sin and hardened his and his slaves’ hearts.94 Paroah’s heart was hardened.95 He didn’t send the sons of Yisrael, just like Yehovah told Moshe.
No matter what Yehovah did, Moshe always went back.
Clearly, he’s having some serious doubts about all this.
The more he repeats it, the less I believe him.
A LOT of people (all of them) combine these phrases, making it “My name ‘Yehovah’ was not known to them.” But all those times Avraham and Yitzchak built altars and shouted out “yehovah!” would have to disagree with that. So I broke it in half. He tells Moshe his name and says he was not known to those dudes. Because no one can really know God, man.
What.
What, like Supreme Court decisions?
This is the same word used for when a man takes a woman “as a wife,” as so many translate it.
I can you be your deity
If you’ll be my nation pal
I can call you Yisrael
And Yisrael when you call me
You can call me El
And now you have that song stuck in your hear for the rest of the day.
Isn’t that kind of tautological?
You done?
Where is this happening? Setting, please!
The word used here is very similar to the word for foreskin but talking about foreskins and lips just sets up way too many obvious jokes.
Who? What?
It’s just the Jew necessities, the simple Jew necessities, forget about your worries and your strife!
Ok, one more Jungle Book joke: If Phaloo told someone about what they need to do to convert, it’d be called the “ger necessities.”
Once again, some suggest the “C’naani woman” refers to Dinah, Shimon’s sister, with whom he had sex after murdering her lover Chanoch.
Sure!
Supposedly, Putiel is Yoseph!
Sounds like a brand of cough syrup.
Like the gas.
Like the gun!
Heh. Mushy.
I feel like we got sidetracked here a little.
We. Know.
It kind of seems like Yehovah interrupts Moshe every time he’s about to confront this Pharaoh guy.
There’s more?
According to Rashi, this means “judge.” Which, uh, doesn’t explain much.
Didn’t this happen already? The Bible’s worse than Tolkien. Last time, though, Moshe was an Elohim to Aharon, not Paraoh.
But you just said he would!
So this was all about you, huh?
Just imagine two octogenarians showing up at your job telling you they’re gonna free you. Doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence.
Oh, so this is where the magic happens.
Then run away! It’ll be hilarious!
The word used here is “tanin,” which in Genesis might mean “sea monster!” Some people think it means “dragon” here. Or “lizard.” Typically, it’s translated as “snake,” but we get a little wild in the OMGWTF version of the Torah.
Not the same word as before when God was demonstrating to Moshe. That was “Nachash.” What is this??? Ibn Ezra says it’s a crocodile!
Totally reasonable.
They all had to get new staffs. All the merchants in the Staff District were ecstatic.
It’s almost as though Yehovah could see the future.
That’s not the only thing that’s hard.
Aharon’s wooden staff is as well. Now that it’s not a dragon anymore. What did you think I meant?
It’s just like God to blame Pharaoh for something he did.
Are they still in the throne room or wherever?
According to Rashi, Paroah had to maintain a belief that he was divine, so he would sneak out to the water each morning to pee. So Moshe and Aharon are interrupting his one and only bathroom trip.
There are two staffs probably! One is Moshe’s and one Aharon’s. I guess this is Moshe’s, which turned into a “nachash.” Aharon’s became a “tanin.”
Seriously, though, can you imagine an 83-year-old leading a mass Exodus? Paraoh was just looking out for the Hebrews!
Um, you’re Moshe.
Wait, all the water? That must’ve taken FOREVER.
“My name is Moses and this is my brother and partner Aaron. If I say I’m a messianic figure, I think you’ll agree.”
What happened to the ultimatum? They were supposed to give an ultimatum!
If it flowed everywhere, it sounds like they have good plumbing. On the plus side!
How??? Rashi explains that while last time, the magicians used demonic spells, this time they used sorcery. Which I guess explains everything. But why did they destroy their ecosystem? Just because they could? Who knows!
Wait. I thought Moshe and Aharon did the hitting. Also, isn’t the river still full of blood?
If this was France, they’d be totally cool with it.
Literally, inside them. They’ll crawl into their intestines, hamster-in-Richard-Gere style.
Release the frogs!
Wait, what happened to warning Paraoh first?
The magicians are kind of screwing over their own country just to prove a point.
Really, though: why frogs? This was probably written by the same guy who added the pillar of salt.
He should ask his magicians to stop their frogs first.
Oh, Moshe. Diplomatic to the very end.
Heh. They went up his butt.
Why is he so focused on the river? He’s like a five year old who just learned where frogs live.
I feel like this pattern just might repeat itself.
As Teddy Roosevelt said, “Speak softly and carry a magic stick.”
All the dust? That’s a lot of lice. But at least there was no more dust in Egypt! The maids were ecstatic! And very itchy.
Lice! It’s hard to make. I bet you couldn’t do it either.
Specifically, the middle one.
They always bug him at bath time! Let the guy play with his duckies.
Wild beasts, maybe? This is a tricky one. “Arov,” the word used, often means evening—the mixture of day and night. The word means mixture, technically.
Take what you can get, guy!
He’s talking about goats. Mitzrayim loves goats so much they can’t bear to see the Jews sacrifice them. According to Rashi, it was one of their deities. Which sucks, because it’s delicious. Especially the cheese.
Very slick, Moshe.
This time, Paraoh did it! It seems like he intentionally hardened his heart! Why is he picking a fight with God? That seems like a bad idea!
Moshe’s just bouncing back and forth now. This must be exhausting. Can’t Yehovah just call Pharoah directly?
Ew.
Whose voice are we in now? Is Yehovah talking in third person through Moshe? I’m lost.
I feel like the point at which all the animals in your country are dead might be the moment in negotiations where you give up. This is a sunk cost thing by now.
Sure, that’s why!
This is how all my best Saturday nights start.
This is an amazing phrase that only appears here includes a couple of words that baffle interpreters, leading to pretty boring translations, like “a boil blossoming forth blisters” or just “festering boils.” I hope my translation has captured the grossness of the original Hebrew.
Wait, what animals? Didn’t they all die? Rashi says some people brought their animals inside and beat God with semantics. Thanks for papering over the plot holes, Rashi!
Yehovah’s a dick.
God is the WORST boss.
Probably during his bath again.
Pretty provincial, God. Not the universe! Just the country.
This is a rather narcissistic reason to bring all this death and destruction.
Well whose fault is that?
Didn’t he just say he’d send all the plagues?
Why haven’t they revolted against their terrible king yet?
They left their slaves outside!
Like Judd Nelson at the end of The Breakfast Club.
Heavy! There’s that word again! Is there some sort of gravitational disturbance in Ancient Egypt?
This time? Really, Pharoah?
And that’s your Biblical agriculture report.
He couldn’t pray in the city.
How’d he harden his slaves’ hearts?
You know, I’m starting to think whoever wrote this didn’t quite have an omniscient understanding of anatomy. Emotion is in the brain. Unless Paroah is getting more and more cholesterol calcification with each plague.