Even more plagues!
It’s kinda gruesome!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
3: Come
24: In which locusts devour what’s left of Egypt’s economy
[Exodus 10:1-10:20]
“Go to Paraoh,” Yehovah said to Moshe. “I’ve hardened his and his slaves’ hearts so I can do my tricks and really impress them. And so he’ll tell his sons and their sons that I amused myself with Mitzrayim with the wonders I did to them.1 They will know that I am Yehovah.”2
Moshe and Aharon approached Paraoh.
“This is what Yehovah, El of the Hebrews, said,” they said to him. “’How long will you keep waiting to humble yourself before me and send my people so they can serve me? If you wait to send my people, I’ll bring locusts to your country tomorrow.3 They will cover the land entirely. You won’t be able to see the ground. They’ll eat whatever crops the hail left and all the trees that sprout in the field. They’ll fill your houses, all your slaves’ houses, and all of Mitzrayim’s houses. This ain’t your grandfather’s locust storm.’”4
They turned and left Paraoh.
“How long will this go on?” Paraoh’s slaves said to him.5 “Send these people already! Let them serve Yehovah, their Elohim. Don’t you know you’ve lost Mitzrayim?”6
Moshe and Aharon were brought back to Paraoh.
“Go!” he said to them, “Serve Yehovah, your Elohim! Who will be going?”
“Everyone,” Moshe said. “From young to old. Our sons, our daughters, our sheep, and our cattle must come with us. It’s a festival to Yehovah.”7
“If it’s a holiday,” Paraoh said, “Yehovah would be with you and I’d send you and your children. But there’s evil facing you.8 No! The men will go and serve. That’s what you asked for.”9
He chased them away.
“Stretch your hand over Mitzrayim,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “and locusts will descend and eat all the grass left over after the hail.”
Moshe lifted his staff over Mitzrayim. Yehovah sent an easterly wind that lasted through that day and night. In the morning, the wind brought the locusts.
They covered Mitzrayim. They partied hard in all the borders of the land.10 There has never been and never will be locusts like these.11
They covered the sight of the land, darkening the country. They ate all the grass and fruit left by the hail. No green or grass remained in all of Mitzrayim.
Paraoh hurried to summon Moshe and Aharon.
“I’ve sinned before Yehovah, your Elohim, and you!” he said.12 “Even though I’ve sinned yet another time, please plead with Yehovah, your Elohim, and take this death away from me.”
Moshe left Paraoh and pleaded to Yehovah. Yehovah turned a very strong ocean wind around13 and carried the locusts off to the Reed Sea. Not a single locust was left in Mitzrayim.14 Yehovah strengthened Pharaoh’s heart and he didn’t send the sons of Yisrael.
25: In which there is much darkness
[Exodus 10:21-10:29]
“Stretch your hand to the sky,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “and it will be dark in Mitzrayim. The darkness will get darker.”
Moshe lifted his hand to the sky and a gloomy darkness enveloped all of Mitzrayim for three days. Men could not see their brothers.15 Men didn’t get out of their seats for three days.16 There was only light in the homes of the sons of Yisrael.
Paraoh summoned Moshe.
“Go!” he said, “Serve Yehovah! Just leave your sheep and your cattle. Even your children can leave with you!”17
“You must give us feast-offerings and burnt-offerings,” Moshe said, “so we can give them to Yehovah, our Elohim. Our cattle will also go with us. Not a hoof will be left. We will take it all to serve Yehovah, our Elohim. And we won’t know how to serve Yehovah until we get there.”18
Yehovah strengthened Pharaoh’s heart and he didn’t want to send them.
“Get away from me!” Pharaoh said. “Don’t let me see your face again! The day I see your face, you will die.”
“As you wish. I will not see your face again.”
26: In which God tells Moshe he’s going to straight-up murder some people
[Exodus 11:1-11:10]
“I’ve got one last little jab for Paraoh and Mitzrayim,” Yehovah said to Moshe. “He’ll send all of you after this one. He’ll chase you out of here. Say this to the nation: ‘Each man and woman will ask their neighbor for gold and silver utensils.’”
Yehovah made it so Mitzrayim actually liked the nation.19 They and Paroah’s slaves even liked Moshe.
“This is what Yehovah says,” Moshe said,20 “’At midnight, I will go into Mitzrayim. Every firstborn in Mitzrayim—from Paraoh’s firstborn who sits on his throne to the firstborn of the lady-slave behind the millstone and every firstborn of an animal—will die. A great shout, the likes of which have never been seen and won’t be heard again, will resound throughout Mitzrayim.21 No dog will shape its tongue against the sons of Yisrael—not against a man or animal. It will be known that Yehovah separated Mitzrayim from Yisrael.22 And all your slaves will come down to me and bow to me,23 saying, “Leave! You and all the nation at your feet.” After that, we’ll leave. We’ll escape from Paroah in burning anger.’”
“But Paraoh won’t listen to you. That way I can make my many wonders in Mitzrayim,” Yehovah said to Moshe.24
Moshe and Aharon did all these wonders before Paraoh and Yehovah strengthened Paraoh’s heart and he didn’t send the sons of Yisrael.25
27: In which God gives a lot of instructions
[Exodus 12:1-12:28]
“This month will be a head of months to you,” Yehovah said to Moshe and Aharon in Mitzrayim.26 “It will be the first month of the year to you.27 Say to the entire community of Yisrael, ‘On the tenth of this month, each man will take a lamb for his father’s house, one lamb per household. If the house is too small for a lamb, he and his next-door neighbor will take one in proportion to the number of souls living there. Each man will contribute to the lamb based on how much he’ll eat. The lambs will be pure, a year old, taken from the sheep or the goats.
“You must watch over the lambs until the 14th day of the month.28 Then, you will slaughter them. All the congregation of the community of Yisrael between the evenings.29 You’ll take the blood and put it on the two doorposts and the lintel of the houses in which you’ll eat it.30 You’ll eat the meat that night, roasted by fire, with matzah31 over bitter herbs. Don’t eat it undercooked or cooked in water.32 Only roasted by fire. Eat it, its head, its legs, and its innards. Don’t leave any of it for morning. Anything left by morning must be burned. This is how you have to eat it: with your loins girded,33 your shoes on your feet, and your staff in your hand. You should eat it real fast. It is a pesach to Yehovah.
“‘I will fly over Mitzrayim tonight and murder every firstborn man and animal. I shall pass judgment on all the els of Mitzrayim.34 I am Yehovah. The blood will be a sign over your houses. I will see the blood and pass over you.35 When I strike Mitzrayim, I won’t chase you to slaughter you.
“‘This day will be a memorial for you. You will celebrate a festival to Yehovah for generations. It is an eternal law that you will celebrate. You will eat matzah for seven days.36 On the first day, you’ll take anything leavened out of your houses. Anyone who eats leavened food from the first day to the seventh will have their soul cut off from Yisrael. The first day and the seventh will be called holy. Don’t do any work on those days except for what is needed to feed every soul. That’s the only work you can do. Watch over the matzah.37 Because in the middle of this day I will take your legions from Mitzrayim. Watch over this day for generations. It is an eternal decree.38
“‘Starting in the evening on the first day of the festival, the 14th day of the month, eat matzah until the 21st day of the month in the evening. For seven days, leavened must not be found in your houses.39 Anyone who eats leavened bread will have their soul cut off from the community of Yisrael, including convert or the native of the land.40 Don’t eat anything leavened. Eat matzah in all your homes.
Moshe summoned all the elders of Yisrael.
“Go and take sheep for your families and slaughter them as your pesach,” Moshe said. “Then, take a bunch of hyssop and dip it in the blood in the basin. Touch it to the lintel and the two doorposts, spreading the blood. Don’t let anyone leave the house until morning. When Yehovah flies over to smite Mitzrayim and sees the blood on the lintel and the two doorposts, Yehovah will PASS OVER41 that entrance and won’t let the slaughterer come to your houses for smiting purposes.
“Guard over these words as a law for you and your sons forever.42 When you get to the land Yehovah will give you like he said, keep this service. When your sons say, ‘What is this service to you?’ you will say, ‘It is the pesach sacrifice to Yehovah who passed over the houses of the sons of Yisrael in Mitzrayim when he killed the Mitzrim. He saved our houses and the nation bowed and knelt.’”
The sons of Yisrael left and did what Yehovah commanded Moshe and Aharon. That they did.43
28: In which God commits mass murder
[Exodus 12:29-12:39]
Oh man. Yehovah struck all of Mitzrayim’s firstborns in the middle of the night, from Paroah’s son who sat on his throne to the firstborn of the prisoner in the house of the pits.44 Every firstborn of an animal, too! They all died.
Paraoh, all his slaves, and all of Mitzrayim got up in the night. A great shout went out in Mitzrayim. There was not a house without death.45 Paroah summoned Moshe and Aharon that night.46
“Get up!” Pharaoh said, “Leave here, you and the sons of Yisrael! Go and worship Yehovah like you said. Take your sheep and your cattle! Take them like you said! Go and bless me, too!”
Mitzrayim really wanted to send them out of the land quickly.
“We’re all gonna die!” Mitzrayim said.
The nation of Yisrael picked up its dough up before it could rise and wrapped what was left in their clothing, putting it on their shoulders. They asked Mitzrayim for their gold and silver utensils and clothing, just like Moshe said.47 Yehovah made it so Mitzrayim liked them and their requests were granted. That’s how Yisrael pillaged Mitzrayim.
The sons of Yisrael traveled from Ramses to Succot—about 600,000 of them, just the men, not counting the children—on foot48 A big mixture49 also went with them. Sheep, cattle, and much heavy livestock, too! They’d been chased out with no time to wait so the dough they’d taken from Mitzrayim baked into matzah cakes because it didn’t rise. They also hadn’t made any food for themselves.50
29: In which we recap the last 4+ centuries
[Exodus 12:40-12:42]
The sons of Yisrael lived in Mitzrayim for 430 years.51
After 430 years, in the middle of the day, the legions of Yehovah left Mitzrayim.52 Yehovah’s taking them from Mitzrayim is a night of guarding over all the sons of Yisrael for all their generations.
30: In which Yehovah repeats the rules of Pesach
[Exodus 12:43-12:51]
“This is the rule of the pesach,” Yehovah said to Moshe and Aharon,53 “No son of a gentile can eat it.54 Circumcise any slave who’s been bought for silver before he can eat it. A traveler or a hired worker cannot eat it. It will be eaten in one house. Don’t take any of the meat outside of that house. And don’t break a bone in it. Everyone in the community of Yisrael will do this.55
“A male convert who lives with you must be circumcised before he can come close to and make a pesach to Yehovah. Then, he will become a native of the land. Nobody uncircumcised can eat it.56 There will be one law for the native and for the convert who lives with you.”
All the sons of Yisrael did as Yehovah commanded Moshe and Aharon. That’s what they did.57
In the middle of that day, Yehovah took the sons of Yisrael out of Mitzrayim in their legions.58
31: In which God has some more weird rules
[Exodus 13:1-13:16]
“Sanctify every firsborn to me!” Yehovah said to Moshe to say, “the first man and animal that separates a womb in the sons of Yisrael is for me.”59
“Remember this day,” Moshe said to the nation, “It’s when were taken out of Mitzrayim, the house of slavery.60 On this day, you will not eat leaven. Because Yehovah took you out with a strong hand. Today, you are leaving in the month of spring.61 When Yehovah takes you to the land of the C’naani, the Chiti, the Emori, the Chivi, and the Yevoosi that has been sworn to your fathers—a land flowing with milk and honey—you will perform this service in this month. For seven days, you will eat matzah. The seventh day will be a festival for Yehovah.62 You’ll eat matzah during these seven days. You will not see leaven or risen food in your borders.63 And you’ll say to your sons on this day,64 ‘Because of this, Yehovah did this to me when I left Mitzrayim.’ You will have this as a sign on your hand and as a remembrance between your eyes.65 The law of Yehovah will always be in your mouth because Yehovah took you out of Mitzrayim with a mighty hand. You will watch over this decree at its appointed time every year.
“When Yehovah brings you to the C’naani land he’s promised he’d give you and your fathers, you will give every first separation of a womb to Yehovah. You’ll also give every first male calving from an animal to Yehovah.66 Every first donkey should be redeemed with a lamb.67 If you don’t, you must break its neck.68 Every male firstborn of a man must be redeemed.69
“Tomorrow, when your sons ask, ‘What is this?’ you will say, ‘Yehovah took me out of Mitzrayim, from the house of slaves, with a strong hand. When stubborn Paroah refused to send us,70 Yehovah killed every firstborn man and animal in Mitzrayim. That’s why I sacrifice every first male womb-breaker and redeem every firstborn son to Yehovah.71 This will be a sign on your hand and a mark between your eyes because Yehovah took us from Mitzrayim with a strong hand.72
God’s like a really mean cat.
God’s also got some serious self-esteem issues.
The root of the description of the locusts is “swarm,” making this is the second swarm-based plague.
This literally says, “your fathers and their fathers before them have never seen locusts like these from the days they came to Earth until now.” But mine is punchier.
Good question.
Seriously. So far, they’ve lost irrigation system, their livestock, nearly all their agriculture, and probably a lot of homes. Not to mention the piles of dead frogs everywhere. Pharaoh’s heart hardened while Egypt burned.
Sheesh. Every other day’s a freaking Jewish holiday
No one knows what this means! Some say it’s Ra, the sun god! Or that Pharoah thinks their intentions are evil.
They just want a three-day weekend, dude. Why you gotta be so harsh!
The word here is וינח—rested. But “party hard” makes a lot more sense than “resting hard,” right?
Best. Locusts. Ever.
Ya think?
Leaving a whole bunch of sailing vessels totally screwed.
But a whole lotta dead frogs.
It’s easier to see relatives in the dark.
You’d better hope you were on the toilet when it happened.
Pharaoh is the WORST negotiator. Yehovah has removed VISION and he’s still holding out. Possibly because the Hebrews now have the only livestock in Mitzrayim!
Serving Yehovah’s like jazz! You improvise! Bee-bop-bedoo-bop-sacrifice!
God’s just messing with people’s emotions here, throwing free will in the trash.
When did this happen? Is Moshe just making things up now?
Um, shouts are heard, not seen.
Wait, are the firstborn gonna be killed by dogs?
Is Moshe speaking for himself? Pretty haughty!
Got it.
Well, that added nothing.
Meaning the first month. Like how your head is the first part of your body. Everyone thinks that way, right?
Establishing a new calendar during the revolution. How French!
The rabbis have a field day with this line that requires a few crazy leaps of logic, but I’ll just jump right to the best part: since the Hebrew slaves had not yet received any of Yehovah’s laws, none of them were circumcised. So they were all circumcised that night, making this the third mass circumcision of the Bible!
Apparently, this means in the afternoon. Between the morning and the mixing of day and night.
And that’s why Jews throw blood on their doors on Pesach.
Wait wait wait so they ate matzah before they left? Matzah wasn’t something that existed purely because they had to rush out of Mitzrayim? What’s going on here?
Those are both terrible ways to make lamb.
Yup, girded loins. This is a very real thing. Back when everyone wore long tunics, you’d gird your loins by wrapping your tunic around your crotch and tying it up. So your legs were free to run fast. Also, maybe it was to sop up the blood after all those circumcisions.
So, uh, I guess other gods exist in this world.
I know, I know, he’s omnipotent, just go with it.
8 if you live outside Israel.
It won’t do anything, but watch it.
Got it!
Oh, we’re doing this again, I guess.
You just said that.
Get it? GET IT?!
The blood? Mixing instructions for this specific night in with instructions for all time is kind of confusing, God.
They sure did.
That’s not very nice.
According to the Midrash, the Mitzri women all cheated on their husbands with single men and got pregnant. So, unbeknownst to the men of the house, there could be up to five “firstborns” from one woman! Which made the day of death even more awkward!
Oh man, Moshe missed the perfect opportunity to do something bitchy about that whole “I won’t see your face again” business.
Clothing was extra. Moshe didn’t say anything about clothing.
We don’t even mention that the women aren’t counted.
This apparently means a bunch of other nationals came with Yisrael. Y’know, because the Jews and the Egyptians weren’t the only people around.
When God gave them double instructions to put blood on the doors, couldn’t he have suggested packing a “GO BAG?” Even the Mormons wear magic underwear.
If you’ve been paying very close attention, you’ll notice that this timing doesn’t work. So did the medieval Jewish commentators! So they invented a whole new timeline that goes back to Yitzchak, making the 430 years work! OK!
I thought it happened in the middle of the night? There was plenty of time to make bread!
Don’t talk about Pesach.
What about his father? He’s also the son of a gentile!
I don’t think any of these rules are followed today.
No men, at least.
This is gonna happen a lot.
I think that’s the third time this has happened.
“Uh, actually, I dunno about this, I think we’re gonna go back to Egypt.”
I THINK THEY KNOW.
Yeah, spring’s not a month.
This again! Wait, wasn’t the first day also a festival last time around?
If I see a single grain of yeast, so help me me!
Not daughters! Never daughters!
This is one of the Biblical sources for tefillin, the scroll-containing leather boxes some Jews wear on their foreheads and arms while praying. But why don’t we have to have a box in our mouths, which is what the next sentence says? Probably because it wouldn’t taste good.
How does that work, exactly?
WHAT.
WHAT.
Don’t break their necks.
Was it really because Pharaoh was stubborn? Or was it because God kept messing with him?
Yes, you can have multiple firstborns. Bigamy, folks!
Again, tefillin. “Totafot” is a weird word that maybe means straps.