Week 16: When He Sent
In which there's a lot of drowning
The splitting of the Red Sea!
It’s a fun one!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
4: When He Sent
32: In which God decides to take the kids on a detour
[Exodus 13:17-13:22]
When he, and by “he,” we mean Paraoh, sent the nation, Elohim was not loving the route that passed by the land of the Plishtim. It was just too close.
“When they see war,” Elohim said, “the nation might retreat to Mitzrayim for comfort.”1
So Elohim took them a different way. They went through the desert of the Reed Sea.2
The sons of Yisrael rose out of Egypt in battle array.3 Moshe took Yoseph’s bones with him because the sons of Yisrael4 had seriously swore it, saying, “When Elohim redeems you, you will raise my bones with you.”
They left Sukkot and camped in Eitam on the edge of the desert.
Yehovah traveled in front of the people. By day, he comforted them as a pillar of cloud. By night, he lit them in a pillar of fire. That way, they could travel day and night.5 The pillar of cloud and the pillar of fire never left them by day or by night.
33: In which God starts planning his devious trap
[Exodus 14:1-14:4]
“Speak to the sons of Yisrael,” Yehovah said to Moshe. “Have them go back and camp out near Pi-HaChiron, between Migdol and the sea, in front of Ba’al-Tzephon.6 You’ll camp under it, by the sea. Paraoh will say, ‘They’re lost in the land, closed off by the desert.’ I’ll strengthen Paraoh’s heart and he’ll chase after them.7 I will be honored through Paraoh and all of his army because I am Yehovah!”
That’s what they did.
34: In which we bust out the expensive special effects
[Exodus 14:5-14:31]
Someone told the king of Mitzrayim the nation had run away.8 The hearts of Paraoh and his slaves turned around about the nation.9
“Why did we do this?” they said.10 “We’ve sent our slaves from Yisrael away!” Paroah got his chariot and took his nation with him. He took 600 choice chariots and also every chariot in Mitzrayim, with third mans commanding all.11 Yehovah strengthened the heart of Paraoh, king of Mitzrayim, as he chased after the sons of Yisrael.12
The sons of Yisrael left with their hands in the air.13 Mitzrayim chased after them, surrounding the sons of Yisrael by the sea. Every one of Paraoh’s chariot horses, horsemen, and his entire army were near Pi-HaChirot in front of Ba’al Tzephon.
Paraoh closed in. The sons of Yisrael lifted their eyes and—wouldja believe it!—Mitzrayim was coming after them! They were very scared and cried out to Yehovah.
“Were there not enough graves in Mitzrayim? You had to take us out into the desert to die?” they said to Moshe.14 “What is this? Why did you take us out of Mitzrayim? What did we say to you in Mitzrayim? ‘Leave us be and we will serve Mitzrayim!’15 We’d rather serve Mitzrayim than die in the desert!”16
“Don’t be afraid,” Moshe said to the nation. “Stand strong. You will see Yehovah bring you salvation today. Those Mitzrim you see today? You’ll never see them again. Yehovah will war for you. And you will be speechless.”17
“Why are they yelling at me?” Yehovah said to Moshe.18 “Tell the sons of Yisrael to march forward. Raise your staff and stretch your hand over the sea. You will split it so the sons of Yisrael can cross it on dry land. And me—woah boy!—I will strengthen Paraoh’s heart19 and he will come after you. I will be honored through Paraoh, his entire army, their chariots, and their horsemen.20 Mitzrayim will know I am Yehovah.”21
The messenger of Elohim that traveled in front of Yisrael’s camp moved behind them. The pillar of cloud moved from in front of them to behind them, between both camps, where the cloud and the darkness were. It lit up the night. The camps did not approach each other.
Moshe stretched his hand out over the sea and Yehovah spent all night moving it with a strong Easterly wind.22 He turned the sea into dry land and divided the water.23 The sons of Yisrael went into the sea on the dry land. The water stood like walls on both sides.
Mitrayim chased after the sons of Yisrael, bringing every one of Paraoh’s horses, chariots, and horsemen to the middle of the sea.
Yehovah looked down on Mitzrayim’s camp from a pillar of fire and cloud,24 terrorizing them,25 at morning watch. He pulled the wheels off their chariots so they could hardly move.26
“Let’s get away from Yisrael’s faces,” Mitzrayim said, “because Yehovah is fighting for them.”27
“Stretch your hand over the sea,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “and the water will fall on Mitzraim, its chariots, and its horsemen.”
Before morning, Moshe did just that. The sea returned with full force and Mitzrayim went to meet it.28 Yehovah drowned Mitzrayim in the sea. The water came back and covered the chariots, the horsemen, and all of Paraoh’s soldiers who came after the sons of Yisrael. Not one was left.
The sons of Yisrael walked on dry land within the sea. The water stood like walls on their right and left.29 That day, Yehovah redeemed Yisrael from Mitzrayim’s hand. Yisrael saw Mitzrayim dead on the seashore30 and the great force Yehovah showed in Mitzrayim. They feared Yehovah and believed in him and his slave Moshe.31
35: In which this turns into a musical
[Exodus 15:1-15:21]
Moshe and the sons of Yisrael sang this song to Yehovah:32
Sing to Yehovah because he is most majestic!
Chariot and horse were cast into the sea.
The strength and power of Ya
will be a salvation to me.
This is my El and I will beautify him.
The Elohim of my fathers; I will exalt him.
Yehovah is a warrior. Yehovah is his name.33
Paraoah’s chariots and soldiers: Thrown in the sea!
His best captains drowned in the Reed Sea!
The abyss will cover them,
They sunk like a rock to the depths.
Yehovah, your right hand is gloriously strong!34
Yehovah, your right hand crushes our enemy!35
Your overwhelming majesty destroys all comers.36
You send your wrath to devour them like straw.37
With the wind of your nose,
The waters stacked up,
Liquid stood like walls.38
In the heart of the ocean, the abyss became solid.
“I will chase, I will overtake,” the enemy said.
“I will divide their booty to my heart’s content,”39
“I will unsheathe my sword;40 my hands will make them poor.”
You swept your wind in and covered them with the sea,
They plunged like lead in the glorious waters.
Who is like you among the Els, Yehovah?
Who is like you, majestic in holiness?
Wondrously fearful marvelmaker.
When you stretched out your right hand,41
They were swallowed by the ground.42
You lead the nation you freed with kindness,43
You gather them in strength to your holy home,
The nations hear, they tremble,
Anguished writhing grasps all those who live in P’lashet.44
The clans of Edom are terrorized,
The higher-ups at Moav gripped by trembling,
All the people living in C’naan melted.
Fear and terror befall them,
With your giant hand,45 you’ve frozen them in stone,
Until your nation crosses, Yehovah,
Until this nation that you’ve bought crosses over.
You will bring them and plant them in the mountain you own46
The foundation of your resting place you made, Yehovah,
A sanctuary to our master you’ve established with your hands.
Yehovah will reign forever and ever!”
Because Paroah’s horses and his horsemen and his chariot rode into the sea, Yehovah turned the waters of the sea on them, and the sons of Yisrael walked on dry land within the sea.
The prophetess Miriam, sister of Aharon,47 took the tambourine in her hand. All the women went out with her, twirling and dancing. Miriam chanted to them:
“Sing to Yehovah because he is most majestic!
He tossed horse and chariot into the sea!”
36: In which the gang gets moving
[Exodus 15:22-15:27]
Moshe led Yisrael from the Sea of Reeds. They went to the Desert of Shoor and traveled 3 days without finding water.48 At Marah, the water was too bitter to drink. That’s why it’s called “Marah.”49
The nation complained to Moshe.
“What are we going drink?” they asked.50
Moshe cried out to Yehovah, who showed him a tree. Moshe tossed the tree into the water, turning it sweet.51
There, he put a decree and judgment on him. There, he tested them.52
“If you listen to Yehovah, your Elohim’s voice,” Moshe said,53 “and do what is upright in his eyes, tuning your ears to his commandments and guarding all his decrees, all the sickness I put on Mitzrayim will not be put on you. Because I am your doctor, Yehovah.”54
They reached Elim, where there are 12 springs of water and 70 date palm trees, and camped by the water.
37: In which the people apparently eat for the first time in months
[Exodus 16:1-16:30]
They left Eilim. All the sons of Yisrael reached the Desert of Sin,55 which is between Eilim and Seenai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after they left Mitzrayim.
The entire congregation of the sons of Yisrael complained to Moshe and Aharon in the desert.56
“Why couldn’t Yehovah kill us in Mitzrayim?” they said. “Then, we sat by pots of meat and stuffed ourselves with bread.57 Yehovah took us out into this desert to kill us all with famine!”58
“I will rain bread on them from the sky,” Yehovah said to Moshe.59 “Every day, the nation will go out and collect what fell, so I can test them to see who will follow my law and who won’t.60 On the sixth day, have them make their preparations, collecting double what they usually gather.”
“This evening,” Moshe and Aharon said to all the sons of Yisrael, “you will know that Yehovah removed you from Mitzrayim.61 And in the morning, you’ll see the glory of Yehovah when he responds to your complaints.62
“Why are you complaining to us?” Moshe and Aharon asked. “What do you think we can do?”
“When Yehovah gives you meat to eat in the evening and bread to satisfy you in the morning, “ Moshe said, “when Yehovah hears your complaints to us, who are we? You’re not complaining to us. You’re complaining to Yehovah.”63
“Tell the entire congregation of the sons of Yisrael,” Moshe said to Aharon, “’Come close to Yehovah64 because he has heard your complaints.’”
When Aharon said this to all the sons of Yisrael, they faced the desert, and SHAZBOT!—they could see the glory of Yehovah in the cloud.65
“I’ve heard the sons of Yisrael’s complaints,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “say to them: ‘You’ll eat meat between the eves and satisfy yourselves with bread in the morning. You will know I am Yehovah, your Elohim.’”
At evening, quail rose and covered the camp.66 In the morning, a layer of dew surrounded the camp. The layer of dew lifted and WOWEE!—a thin, scaly, frost-like thing was on the ground, covering the face of the desert.67
The sons of Yisrael saw.
“It’s mon!” each man said to his brother68 because they didn’t know what it was.69
“This is the bread Yehovah gave you to eat,” Moshe said to them. “And this is what Yehovah commanded: ‘Everyone should collect based on the number of souls per tent. Take an omer per person. That’s how much you should take.’”
And that’s what the sons of Yisrael did. Everyone, from the guy who took a lot to the guy who took a little, gathered. They measured their omers. The one who took a lot didn’t have any extra and the one who took little was not lacking. Each collected according to what he ate.70
“Nobody should keep any leftovers for the morning,” Moshe said.71
They didn’t listen to Moshe.72 People kept extra until morning. It was infested with maggots and stank. Moshe got mad at them.73
Every morning, each man gathered what he needed to eat. The sun got hot and it melted.74
On the sixth day, they collected double bread. Each person took two omers. All the presidents of the phalanx came and told Moshe.
“This is what Yehovah said:” Moshe said, “’Tomorrow will be a holy fucking Shabbat for Yehovah. Bake what you bake, cook what you cook, and put away all the leftovers to keep for the morning.75’”
They put it away like Moshe commanded.76 It didn’t stink. And it didn’t get infested!
“Eat it today,” Moshe said, “Because today is a fucking Shabbat to Yehovah and you won’t find any food in the field.77 Every week, you’ll collect for six days. But on the seventh, the fucking Shabbat, there won’t be anything.”
On the seventh day, some of the nation went out to collect. They didn’t find anything.
“How long will you refuse to observe my commandments and teachings?” Yehovah said to Moshe. “You see Yehovah has already given you the fucking Shabbat. That’s why he gave you bread for two days on the sixth day!78 Everybody stay where they are! Nobody should leave their place on the seventh day.”
The nation rested on the seventh day.
38: In which a very real artifact that would totally prove this really happened but has somehow never been found is made
[Exodus 16:31-16:35]
The house of Yisrael named the stuff “mon.”79 It was like coriander seed, white, and tasted like honey wafers.
“This is what Yehovah commanded:” Moshe said,80 “’Take a full omer of it to be preserved for future generations. That way, they’ll see the bread I fed you in the desert when I took you out of Mitzrayim.’”81
“Take a single pot,” Moshe said to Aharon, “and put a full omer of mon in it. Put it in front of Yehovah to be preserved for future generations.”82
Aharon put it before the multitude for sake-keeping.83
The sons of Yisrael ate the mon for 40 years before coming to a settled land. They ate the mon until they reached the borders of C’naan.84
39: In which we learn how much an omer is
[Exodus 16:36]
An omer is one-tenth of an epha.
40: In which the nation has a very reasonable request that God responds to in a totally irrational way
[Exodus 17:1-17:7]
Yehovah gave the word and the entire multitude of the sons of Yisrael left the Desert of Sin. They camped in R’phidim, where there was no water for them to drink.85
The nation fought with Moshe.
“Give us water so we can drink,” they said.
“Why are you fighting with me?” Moshe said.86 “What are you testing God for?”
The nation thirsted for water.87 They went to Moshe.
“Why did you raise us out of Mitzrayim to kill me, my son, and my livestock with thirst?” they said.
“What will you do to this nation?” Moshe cried out to Yehovah.88 “If this keeps going, they’ll stone me!”
“Pass in front of the nation,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “and take some of the elders of Yisrael with you. Also, the staff with which you hit the spring—take that in your hand and go. Oh me oh my! I will stand in front of you there, by the rock in Chorev. You’ll hit the boulder and water will come out of it. And the nation will drink.”
Moshe did this in front of the elders of Yisrael. He named the place “Masa U’Meriva” because of the fight the sons of Yisrael had and the way they tested Yehovah by saying, “Is Yehovah in our midst or not?”89
41: In which there is a mild suggestion of genocide
[Exodus 17:8-17:16]
Amalek came to R’fidim and attacked Yisrael.90
“Choose men for us to attack with,” Moshe said to Yehoshua.91 “Tomorrow, I’ll stand on top of the hill with the staff of Elohim in my hand.”
Yehoshua did what Moshe told him. He fought with Amalek while Moshe, Aharon, and Chur climbed to the top of the hill.92 When Moshe raised his hands, Yisrael prevailed. When he lowered his hands, Amalek was stronger.93
Moshe’s hands grew heavy.94 Aharon and Chur gave Moshe a stone to sit on They supported his hands, one on each side.95 Yehoshua weakened Amalek and its nation with the sword.96
“Write this as a memory in a book,” Yehovah told Moshe,97 “and put it in Yehoshua’s ears. I will definitely wipe out the memory of Amalek from under the sky.”98
Moshe built an altar and named it “Yehovah Nisi.”99
“Because there is a hand on the sign of Yah,” Moshe said.100 “Yehovah has given us a war with Amalek to last for generations.”101
Empty, desolate Mitzrayim.
As I mentioned earlier, the “Red Sea” doesn’t exist in the Bible. I won’t pretend I know where the misnomer came from, but the words ים סוף translate as “Reed Sea.”
Where did they get weapons from? They had time to get all armored up but not bake bread?
The literal ones, not these metaphorical ones in the desert right now.
Sounds exhausting.
Sure, wherever that is.
So unfair.
Didn't he send them out willingly?
Sounds painful.
Because a deity just destroyed your entire country.
Somehow this “third man” thing means “officers.” More concerning is the fact that I couldn’t find the Hebrew word for “three” in my Brown-Driver-Briggs lexicon.
Complete puppetmaster, this God guy. No free will!
Fist-pumping, the whole way. In defiance, idiomatically. But hadn’t they already camped out by the sea?
So Jewish. They are trying to guilt trip GOD.
I don’t remember that happening!
Really?
Please try to imagine you don’t know what’s about to happen. There’s actually tension in this story for once!
“I do not understand human emotion. I am just a simple God.”
At this point, Paraoh’s heart has been hardened so many times he’s gotta seriously lay off the cholesterol.
God is straight-up murdering these people, isn’t he? “I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it.”
Well, what’s left of them, anyway.
Not so dramatic as it happening instantaneously, but still pretty cool!
The word for dry land used here is similar to the word for “waste or desolation” or “sword.” Hebrew foreshadowing!
Don’t cross the pillars, man.
They must’ve been going nuts! God was literally bearing down on them in a massive stream of fire and cloud. Think the last scene of Raiders.
It’s like pulling the wings off flies for this guy.
But they just gave up!
That was dumb.
We know.
Gross.
This was pretty cool. Gotta hand it to you, Bible. Great job with the drama.
This is where the Bible turns into one of those chapters of The Hobbit nobody reads.
Yud Hey Vav Hey! Yud Hey Vav Hey! Yud Hay Vav Hey! And Yehovah is his name-o!
Your left hand, not so much. His third hand, however…
And hears the lamentation of their women.
Except Nietzsche, that bastard.
Pretty lame metaphor.
This was all just a sneeze? Damn.
Oh boy.
Thisliterally mean, “I will empty my sword,” Rashi says it means “empty my scabbard,” which is kinda the opposite?
Everything’s done with Yehovah’s right hand. His left must look like a T-rex’s.
Well, the water, but who’s counting?
Not as much kindness for the nation you just murdered.
Not P’lashet!
Your one, huge, enormous hand.
God owns all!
Woah. One of the first uses of “prophet.” For a lady! And sister of Aharon? Why not Moshe?
They were all dead. The end.
“Marah” means bitter! “Miriam” means “bitter water!”
I like that the Torah characterizes people literally dying of thirst asking for water as “complaining.” Maybe God did write this after all.
Originally I wanted to ask how this could possibly happen but God just split the sea, so this miracle is pretty minor. But why the tree?
Pronoun explosion! I have no idea what these lines mean!
I think. Also, does this mean the whole nation can hear Yehovah?
“Doctor God,” Sundays at 8 on CBS. Some doctors play God. This one’s the real thing.
The Desert of Sin sounds like a great place to write metal songs about.
You’re going to see this a lot. Jews have a long and treasured history of whining.
In between back-breaking labor and their children being murdered!
Come on God, you didn’t bring food? Can’t you tell the future?
A simple buffet would be fine. Or a food cart. Because with acceleration due to gravity, skybread’s gonna HURT.
Everything’s a freaking test with this guy.
I think they know.
We’ve moved very quickly from seeing the glory of God through splitting the sea to answering simple complaints about food.
We get it. You’re not in charge. “Speak to the manager.” I still think “can we not starve to death?” is a reasonable complaint. Also, how are they supposed to go directly to the deity?
How?
Nothing more pleasant than lying in a meadow imaging the clouds are different Gods.
Again, very painful. Yehovah hadn’t learned his lesson from the bread.
The Hebrew for the word I translated as “scaly” is “מחספס,” which is apparently found only ONCE in scripture. The traditional interpretation is that this thin thing was uncovered. But others think it means that the thing (which everyone’s about to eat for 40 years) was scaly or scab-like.
And only his brother.
What was it?
What a very socialist miracle!
Crazy God-bread goes bad FAST.
Of course.
As you should when someone lets food rot.
Does this mean that if you didn’t get it, it would melt? Otherwise this seems like a bad feature for a desert-based food source.
What are they baking? They’re eating scabs and quail.
Err, like Yehovah commanded.
What field? They're in the desert.
When God gets pissed, he talks in the third person.
We know.
To whom?
It sure is a shame no one ever find this incontrovertible proof of the Exodus!
Where exactly is “in front of Yehovah?”
Bad idea. Multitudes are notoriously terrible at keeping things safe.
SPOILERS.
They’ve really gotta stop doing that.
Because God is invisible, Moshe.
As humans do.
Moshe is really regretting turning toward that burning bush right now.
ריב means “fight” and מסה shares a root with the word for “test.” Also, they didn’t say “Is Yehovah” in our midst or not, they said “Please don’t let us die!”
Amalek! Remember them? They’re a funky bunch because it’s not quite clear who they are! According to Genesis 14, Amalek is one of the crews around during the war of the 4 kings vs the 5 kings. According to Genesis 36, though, Amalek is one of Esav’s grandsons. Which is it? Maybe they’re different people! Which one is this one?
Who the fuck is Yehoshua?
Who the fuck is Chur?
This is exactly like what happens if I pace in front of the TV holding a minifootball while watching the Jets. I lost that football some time in 2011, by the way.
Just a note on the above joke: I wrote it for an episode that was released in 2014, so it’s a pretty depressing comment on the stet of the New York Jets that it still works.
God just straight-up destroyed Mitzrayim. Why is he making Moshe do this?
It’s a good thing they came with him!
According to Rashi, quoting the ספר זכרון, it says Yehoshua “weakened” Amalek and not he “killed” them to imply that he cuts the heads off their strongest fighters, leading only the weak ones left. Which is a very smart military strategy: kill the leaders.
“Dear Diary,
Today was pretty weird. I’m still not sure if Yehovah likes me or like likes me. Also, I’m supposed to write something here about some battle I helped us win but all I can think about is the mixed signals Yehovah’s sending. Sometimes, he just gets SO MAD. Anyway, gotta go. The nation’s starving to death again or something.
Love and hugs,
Moshe”
Writing something down is not the best way to erase their memory.
“Yehovah is my miracle.”
This is very controversial! I’ve translated כס יה as the “sign of Yah.” Traditionally, it’s translated as the “throne of God” with the caveat that we have no idea what it really means. כס is only ever used here and the traditional assumption is that it’s short for כסא, which means seat or throne. Others things this is a transcription error. The real word is נס, which means miracle or sign. This seems a lot more plausible because it’s the same root Moshe just used in naming the place! Either way, this is all a little bonkers.
A war for God, huh? That he commanded us? Like…a holy war? Um...oh no.