Oh boy!
Well, it’s been fun reading about all the story and stuff, but get ready for a whole lot of laws and rules and stuff. FUN!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
5: Yitro
42: In which Yitro makes a quick cameo, but somehow gets this whole story named after him
[Exodus 18:1-18:12]
Yitro, Kohain of Midyan and Moshe’s groom, heard about all what Yehovah did for the Yisrael crew when he took them out of Mitzrayim. Yitro, Moshe’s groom, took Tziporah, Moshe’s woman, after she’d been sent away.1 He also took her two sons.2 The first was named Gershom because Moshe said “I was a stranger in a strange land.” The other one was named Eliezer because “the Elohim of my father helped me and saved me from Paraoh’s sword.”3
Yitro, who was Moshe’s groom by the way, in case you’d forgotten, came to the desert with Moshe’s sons and woman. Moshe was camped around the Mountain of Elohim.
“I am Yitro, your groom,” Yitro, Moshe’s groom said to Moshe,4 “I’ve come with your woman and her two sons.”5
Moshe came out to greet Yitro. He bowed down and kissed him. The men asked for peace from each other and went into the tent.6 Moshe told his groom everything Yehovah did to Paroah and Mitzrayim for Yisrael’s sake: all the travails they’d faced on the way and how Yehovah had saved them.7
Yitro kvelled over everything Yehovah did for Yisrael while saving them from Mitzrayim’s hand.8
“May Yehovah be blessed,” Yitro said. “He saved you from Mitzrayim and from Paraoh’s hand. He saved the nation from under Mitzrayim’s hand!9 Now I know Yehovah is greater than all the other Elohim. They were scheming against him all along!”10
Yitro, Moshe’s groom, took an ola to Elohim. And other offerings, too.11 Aharon and all of Yisrael’s elders came to eat bread12 with Moshe’s groom before the Elohim.
43: In which Yitro gives Moshe a quick lesson in delegating
[Exodus 18:13-18:27]
The next day, Moshe sat to judge the nation. They stood in front of him all freaking day.
Moshe’s groom saw what Moshe was doing for the people.
“What are you doing to these people?” he said. “Why are you sitting alone while the whole nation spends all day waiting?”13
“They’re coming to chat about Elohim with me,” Moshe said.14 “When they have an issue, they come to me. I sit as a judge for them and make sure everyone knows the decrees and teachings of Elohim.”15
“This is not good. You’re all definitely going to burn out. This thing is bigger than you. You can’t do it alone. Listen to me. I’ll advise you. Elohim will be with you. You will replace Elohim for the nation and bring all their stuff to Elohim.16
“You’ll warn them of the decrees and the teachings. You’ll help them see the path they should travel and the things they should do. Take men of virtue who fear Elohim—true men who hat dirty money—from the entire people and make them leaders of thousands, then hundreds, then fifties, and then tens.17 They’ll spend their time judging small issues for the people and bring the big matters to you. It’ll make things easier for you. They can travel with you.18
“If you do this thing—and Elohim will command you—you and the nation will be able to keep standing19 and reach the place in peace.”20
Moshe listened to his groom and did everything he said.21 He chose men of virtue from all of Yisrael and made them heads over the nation. They were leaders of thousands,22 hundreds,23 fifties,24 and tens.25 They’d judge the nation at all hours taking care of simple thing, but bringing every difficult issue to Moshe.
Moshe sent his groom back to his country.26
44: In which Yisrael has no idea what they’re getting into
[Exodus 19:1-19:8]
In the third month after leaving Mitrzayim, on this day,27 the sons of Yisrael came to the Seenai Desert from R’fidim and camped in the desert, by the mountain.
Moshe rose up to the Elohim and Yehovah called to him from the mountain.28
“Say this to the house of Yaakov and the sons of Yisrael:” Yehovah said, “’You saw what I did to Mitzrayim. I bore you on the wings of eagles and brought you to me.29 And now, if you really listen to my voice and guard my covenant, you’ll be my treasure among the nations. All the land is mine. You will be a kingdom of Kohanim and a holy people to me.’ That’s what you should say to the sons of Yisrael.”30
Moshe summoned the elders of the nation and put the words Yehovah had commended before them.
“We’ll do it!” the entire nation answered as one.31
Moshe brought their answer to Yehovah.32
45: In which God gives some wacky instructions
[Exodus 19:9-19:19]
“Yo!” Yehovah said to Moshe, “I am coming to you in a thicket of cloud so the nation can hear me when I talk to you and believe in you forever.”33
Moshe told Yehovah what the people said.
“Go to them,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “Have them make today and tomorrow holy.34 Also, have them wash their clothing.35 This is all to prepare them for the third day because that’s when Yehovah will descend and the entire nation will see Him on Mount Seenai.36 Set a boundary up around the mountain and say, ‘Don’t you dare go up the mountain or touch its edge. Anyone who touches the mountain will die FOR SURE.37 If a hand touches it, they’ll be stoned or shot.38 It doesn’t matter if it’s an animal or a man. It’s gonna die.39 When the trumpet is drawn, they can go up the mountain.’”40
Moshe came down the mountain to the nation. He sanctified them and they washed their clothes.41
“Spend three days getting ready,”42 Moshe said to the nation. “Don’t go near a lady.”43
On the third day, as morning broke, thunder and lighting struck.44 A heavy cloud covered the mountain. The cornet’s sound was so powerful all the nation trembled with fear.
Moshe brought the people out of the camp to meet the Elohim45 and they stood under the mountain.46 The entire mountain was smoking because Yehovah had descended on it in fire. Its smoke rose like out of a furnace and the entire mountain trembled. The cornet’s blast grew stronger and stronger. Moshe spoke and the Elohim responded in thunder.
46: In which we dawdle a little
[Exodus 19:20-25]
Yehovah came down to Mount Seenai’s peak and summoned Moshe. Moshe went up.47
“Go down,” Yehovah said to Moshe,48 “and warn the people not to break forward to see Yehovah. A lot of them will fall.49 Also, the Kohanim who will meet Yehovah must sanctify themselves or Yehovah might tear them apart.”50
“The nation can’t climb Mount Seenai,” Moshe said to Yehovah, “because you warned us! You said, ‘Make a boundary around the mountain and sanctify it.’”51
“Go down,” Yehovah said. “Come back up with Aharon.52 The Kohanim and the nation should not break through to climb up or I might breach them.”
Moshe went down to the nation and spoke with them.53
47: In which something important happens
[Exodus 20:1-20:18]
Elohim spoke every one of these words:54
“I am Yehovah,” he said, “your Elohim, who took you out of Mitzrayim, the house of slavery.55 Don’t have any Gods other than me.56 Don’t make an idol or any picture of what’s in the sky above, the ground below, or the water under the ground.57 Don’t bow to or worship them because I, Yehovah your Elohim, am a jealous El. I will visit the misdeeds of fathers on sons, even on the third and fourth generations of my haters.58 For those who guard my commandments and my lovers, I will do kindness for thousands of generations.59
“Do not use the name of Yehovah, your Elohim, for foolishness.60 Because Yehovah will not forgive those who invoke his name for silly things.61
“Remember the fucking shabbos day and keep it holy. For six days, toil and do all your work. The seventh day is a fucking shabbos for Yehovah, your Elohim. Don’t do any work—not you, your sons, your daughters, your slaves, your ladyslaves, your animals, or the converts within your gates. Because Yehovah made the skies, the ground, the sea, and everything within them in six days. But on the seventh, he rested. That’s why Yehovah blessed the fucking Shabbos day and made it holy.62
“Honor your father and your mother so your days on the land, which Yehovah, your Elohim, gave you, will be lengthened.63
“Don’t kill.64
“Don’t sleep with another man’s woman.65
“Don’t steal.66
“Don’t bring false witness against your neighbor.67
“Don’t lust after your neighbor’s house.68
“Don’t lust after your neighbor’s woman, his slaves, his lady-slaves, his ox, his donkey, or everything he has.”69
The entire nation could see the voices,70 the flames, the sound of the cornet,71 and the mountain smoking. They saw and stepped back and stood far away.
“You should talk to us,” the people said to Moshe. “That way, the Elohim won’t talk to us and we’ll still hear. Because we might die.”72
“Don't be afraid!” Moshe said. “The Elohim just wants to test you and put his fear on your faces so you don’t sin.”73
The people stood far away as Moshe approached the gloom. That’s where Elohim was.74
48: In which there are more, much less impressive, rules
[Exodus 20:19-20:25]
“Say this to the sons of Yisrael:” Yehovah said to Moshe, “’You’ve all seen that I talked to you from the sky.75 Don’t make me Elohim out of silver or gold. Don’t do that to yourselves.76
“‘Make an altar out of earth for me and slaughter ola and peace offerings for me on it with your sheep and cattle. Everywhere I remind you of my name, I will come to you and bless you. If you make a stone altar for me, don’t make it hewn, because you might touch it with a sword and defile it.77 Also, don’t walk up steps to my altars so that you don’t show off your naughty bits.’78
Um…I think the Bible forgot to tell us about the whole sending away part.
Oh yeah! Moshe had a wife and two kids. Remember?
אלי – Hebrew means my Elohim and עזר - Hebrew means help.
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Yitro is Moshe’s groom.
Oh so now they’re “her” kids.
And I guess Tziporah continued to take care of the kids.
I just want to take a moment and appreciate that we didn’t have to read another recap.
The Hebrew here is Vayichar, which is usually translated as Yitro rejoiced. However, according to the Midrash, it could also mean Yitro got goosebumps, grieving every so slightly over Yehovah’s nearly total destruction of an entire country. Because maybe we need to have at least a little empathy for our enemies.
He’s repeating himself a bit.
I’m no scholar, but this kind of sounds like Yitro believe other gods exist and can do stuff.
Which ones?
They had bread? The whole time? After everything that happened last week?
I can’t even imagine how pissed off Yitro would get if he ever saw the passport lines at Ben Gurion.
Just gabbin’ about God.
This doesn’t make any sense. How can he be talking about laws when Yehovah hasn’t given any laws yet? Get your chronology right, Torah. Obviously, the rabbis have an answer. You see, this scene doesn’t take place until the second year the kids are in the desert, after the giving of the law and the breaking of the tablets and the golden calf and the second tablets. So why is it in the wrong place chronologically? Because shut up, that’s why.
Listen to the Bible: don’t get burnt out. Delegate, delegate, delegate!
Behold! The very first management consultant!
Yitro just invented the entourage.
Because you’d be EXHAUSTED.
The place! B’shalom! Not L’shalom!
Where’s Moshe’s dad in all this? His biggest issue is the lack of a father figure. What a good son-in-law!
So that’s 600 at the top for 600,000 men.
6,000 of them.
12,000.
60,000.
And we’re done with him! It’s almost like someone remembered this character existed at the last minute and they jammed him in here.
Which day?
Oh, cool, Moshe can fly now.
Um, sorry, Yehovah, you’re thinking of The Hobbit. Wrong fantasy novel.
Got it.
Big mistake.
I think he heard them. He’s God.
As though the plagues and the death angel and the mon wasn’t enough proof.
Just a thing you could do back then.
“Alright, everybody it’s laundry day!”
According to Rashi, not a single person was blind. Also, stop using the third person so much, Yehovah.
They’ll totally believe you.
“Shot” is a JPS translation. I’m not sure what they used to shoot people back then. Maybe arrows. What their ammunition is can be left up to you!
Ok, make a fence, got it, don’t be so dramatic.
It’s like they’re making the starting line for the holiest race ever.
Finally!
But God said two!
Where did that come from? Yehovah said nothing about ladies. Moshe totally just made up this sexist nonsense. What are ladies supposed to do?
Two things. First: the Hebrew word for thunder is קולות, which also means “voices” and I think says something about the state of scientific discovery when this was written. Second: the Hebrew word for lightning is “barack,” which means the US is was run for a little while by a president named Lightning Obama. Welcome to the future.
People, this is Elohim. Elohim, meet your people.
According to Rashi quoting the Babylonian Talmud in Shabbos 88a, Yehovah ripped the mountain out of the ground and literally held it aloft over the entire people, threatening to crush them if they didn’t accept his law. Which, if you ask me, is kind of manipulative and indicative of a potentially abusive relationship.
Isn’t it on fire and possibly levitating? Where did the last scene just go?
You just had him come up!
Supposedly this means they’d die but it sounds like Yehovah is worried about people tripping.
Speaking in 3rd person doesn’t take away responsibility for your death threats, Mr. God.
Didn’t the trumpet already sound? Doesn’t that mean the sanctification things is done? I think Moshe is just trying to get out of going down because he’s EXHAUSTED.
They should put in an escalator already.
Getting the law is a like lot court: much more entertaining in the film version. So much procedure!
It’s the 10 commandments! Kind of! Blasphemously reorganized based on their actual paragraphs in the text!
I really feel like it being called “The House of Slavery” should’ve scared them off.
Doesn’t this imply other gods exist?
What about in the molten core of the Earth? Sorry, all of art!
The first commandment is “STEP OFF, HATERS.” That’s one commandment!
I don’t think that math really works out. Also, “lovers?” Tacky, God, tacky.
Oh, crap. I think we gotta shut this email list down, you guys.
That’s two commandments!
That’s three!
Four!
Five!
Six!
Seven!
Eight!
Nine!
That’s ten. But it’s not the count other people have. I’ve got two coveting ones. Which is based on paragraph breaks in the text. Did we really need two about lusting after someone else’s things and his women? Doesn’t adultery sort of cover the coveting part? Or does the adultery prohibition assume the sex is boring and passionless?
How does one see voices?
Uh, you’re still using the wrong sense, Bible.
What if it was more that God’s voice was just really irritating, like a high-pitched whine or a dentist’s drill and they couldn’t take it? “Finally, the world will know!”
It’s weird that he tells them not to be afraid when the point of this is to literally put the fear of God into them.
I don’t think I like this Yehovah guy.
Normal. Reality.
Just. Don’t. God hates what he looks like.
I once got a crazy email, early into this project, telling me that the Bible is actually an acronym that stands for “Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.” First, I’m pretty sure NASA isn’t teaching the astronauts the Bible. Second of all, this is pretty basic stuff. If you ever make a stone altar, don’t hit it with a sword, otherwise it’s unusable. Obviously.
Make a ramp, not stairs. SERIOUSLY. THIS IS IN THE TALMUD, PEOPLE. This was a pre-pants society. Think about that. We’re taking our morality from a document written before people invented UNDERWEAR. It’s also weird that the law is to avoid stairs and not just to wear underwear.