Settle in!
It’s time for a lot of rules and literally ZERO plot.
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
6: Decrees
49: In which we learn how to treat our slaves
[Exodus 21:1-21:11]
“Put these decrees in front of them.
“If you buy a Hebrew slave, he can work for six years. Set him free in the seventh year without payment.1 If he shows up alone, that’s how he leaves. If he’s the master of a woman when you get him, he leaves with her. If his master gave him a woman and she had kids, the master keeps the lady and her kids. The slave leaves with his body and that’s it.2
“If the slave says, ‘I’ve loved my master, my woman, and my children.3 I won’t go free!’ then the master will bring him to the Elohim4 and to the door or doorpost. Using an awl, the master will bore a hole in the slave’s ear. He will own the slave forever.5
“When a man sells his daughter as a lady-slave, she doesn’t go free like other slaves. If her owner doesn’t take a shine to her and take her for himself, she’s freed. He can’t sell her to a strange nation when he betrays her.6 If he sets her aside for his son, he must care for her according to the law of daughters.7 If he takes a different woman for his son, he cannot decrease her food, her clothing, or her time.8 If he doesn’t do these three things, she goes free without any money.9
50: In we learn, in no particular order, some things which require the death penalty
[Exodus 21:12-21:17]
“If someone hits a guy and the guy dies, the first guy dies FOR SURE. But if he didn’t plan the murder and the Elohim forced his hand,10 I will give him a place he can run away to.11
“If someone schemed to kill his neighbor with nudity,12 you will take him from my altar to die.13
“If a man hits his father and mother, he dies right away.
“If he steals a man and sells him and he’s found in his possession, he dies right way.14
“One who curses his mother and father dies right way.”15
51: In which we learn the rules of fight club
[Exodus 21:18-21:19]
“Let’s say two men are fighting and one hits his neighbor with a rock or a fist and he doesn’t die but falls into bed.16 If he gets up and goes outside on his own power, the one who hit him will only pay for the time he was sitting and he’ll heal right up.”17
52: In which we learn more about what you can do to your slaves
[Exodus 21:20-21:21]
“When a man hits his slave18 or lady-slave with a rod and they die by his hand, he must be avenged. But if the slave survived for a day or two, he won’t be avenged, because it’s his property.”19
53: In which we learn what happens if you accidentally cause a miscarriage and then some other stuff
[Exodus 21:22-21:25]
“Let’s say two men are fighting and they hit a pregnant woman, knocking her fetus out, but no one dies.20 When the woman’s master makes a claim against them,21 they will be penalized and give what the court decides.
“If there is a death, they must give a life under a life.22
“An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. A hand for a hand.23 A leg for a leg. A burn for a burn. A laceration for a laceration. A bruise for a bruise.24
“A man who hits his slave or lady-slave in the eye must free them in exchange for the eye. If it’s his slave or lady-slave’s tooth, he’ll free them for the tooth.”25
54: In which there are a lot of rules about oxen
[Exodus 21:28-21:36]
“If an ox gores a man or a woman and they die, it’ll definitely be stoned and no one will eat its meat.26 Its owner is cool.
“But! If the ox gored yesterday and the day before and its owner was warned27 but did not nothing to stop it and it still killed a man or a woman, the ox is stoned and the owner will die too.28 He could also save his soul by paying a ransom.29
“If a boy or girl is gored, just follow the laws about that.30
“If the ox gores a slave or a lady-slave, their owner gets 30 shekels.31 The ox is stoned.32
“If a man opens or digs a pit and doesn’t cover it and a donkey or an ox falls into it, the pit’s owner will pay the animal’s owner.33 But the body will be his.34
“If one man’s ox charges his neighbor’s ox and it dies, they must sell the living ox and split the cash. They also split the dead ox. If people knew the ox was into goring and the owner didn’t stop it, he’s gotta give an ox as reimbursement. But the dead one is his.”35
55: In which there are a bunch of laws about theft
[Exodus 21:37-22:3]
“If a man steals an ox or sheep and slaughters it or sells it, he must pay five cattle for the ox or four sheep for the sheep.36
“If a thief is discovered during a break-in, is hit and dies, he does not have blood.37 If the sun was shining on him, he has blood and he’ll definitely pay. If he doesn’t have anything, he’ll be sold for his theft.38
“If he’s caught holding the theft, from an ox to a donkey to a sheep,39 he pays back two live animals of whatever he took.”40
56: In which we’re down with OPP (other people’s property)
[Exodus 22:4-22:14]
“If a man takes his cattle to feed in a field or vineyard and they devour someone else’s field, he must pay back the value of the field or vineyard.41
“If a fire breaks out and spreads through thorns, stacked sheaves, other harvesting, or a field, the one who devoured will pay the devouree.
“When a man gives his neighbor money or tools to guard and they’re stolen from the man’s house, he pays back double. If the thief isn’t caught, the owner of the house will go tell to the judges that he didn’t lay a finger on his friend’s stuff. The two of them will give the judges their word on every object of transgression—on the ox, on the donkey, on the sheep, on a shirt, on any lost thing, whatever it is. Whoever the judges decide on, the man must pay double to his neighbor.
“When a man gives his neighbor a donkey, an ox, a sheep, or any animal42 to watch and it dies, breaks, or is taken away and no one saw what happened, they will both swear to Yehovah that they didn’t touch their neighbor’s property. The owner will take it back. No one will pay. But if it was definitely stolen, he’s gotta reimburse the owner. If it was torn apart, he must bring evidence of the disemboweling.43 Then, he doesn’t pay.44
“Let’s say a man borrows something from his neighbor and it breaks or dies. If the owner wasn’t with it, he must pay. If the owner was with it, he doesn’t pay. But if it was rented, he’s still gotta pay the rental fee.”
57: In which the rules mentioned become increasing disconnected
[Exodus 22:15-19]
“If a man seduces45 a virgin he hasn’t paid for and bonerates her, he must get the case he needs to make her his woman ready. If her father really doesn’t want to give her,46 he still has to get the virgin price ready.
“Don’t let a witch live.47
“Anyone who fucks an animal’s gotta die right away.
“Destroy anyone who sacrifices to other Elohims—just to Yehovah alone!”
58: In which there are a few rules with a bit of a social justice bent to them
[Exodus 22:20-22:26]
“Do not oppress or wrong a stranger. You were strangers in Mitzrayim.
“Don’t mistreat a widow or an orphan. If you do, and they cry out to me, I will hear their shouts. My anger will blaze and I will kill you with swords. Your women will become widows and your children orphans.48
“If you lend silver to my nation, to the poor among you, don’t be a creditor to him. Don’t burden him with interest.49 If you take his clothing as collateral, return it before the sun sets. That shirt is the only covering he has other than his skin. What will he sleep in? He’ll cry out to me and I’ll hear it because I’m compassionate.”50
59: In which we return to random craziness
[Exodus 22:27-22:30]
“Do not curse the Elohim.
“Don’t defame your presidents.51
“Do not wait with your fullness or your liquids.52
“Give me your firstborn sons.53 Do the same with your oxen, and your sheep. They’ll stay with their mothers for seven days. On the eighth day, give it to me.
“You will be holy men to me. Don’t eat meat left torn by animals in the field. Throw it to the dogs.”54
60: In which we have some pretty good rules
[Exodus 23:1-23:9]
“Don’t repeat something you hear without proof.55 Don’t hold hands with an evil man to be a malicious witness.56
“Don’t follow the mob to do the wrong thing.57
“Don’t be biased toward the majority in a dispute. But don’t be biased toward the destitute either.58
“If you find your enemy’s ox or donkey lost, return it to him. If you see your enemy’s donkey struggling under its burden and you hesitate to help him, you have to help him.59
“Don’t pervert justice for the poor in disputes. Stay far from falsehoods. Don’t kill the innocent and righteous. I will not make an evil one righteous.60 Don’t take bribes. They make the open-eyed blind and unbalance the words of the righteous. Don’t oppress the strangers. You know the soul of the stranger because you were strangers in Mitzrayim.”61
61: In which God gives agricultural advice
[Exodus 23:10-23:11]
“Work the earth for 6 years and collect what it blooms. In the 7th year, let it rest and lie fallow. The destitute will eat what falls. What they don’t eat will be eaten by the animals of the field. Do this with your vineyards and olive groves too.”
62: In which God talks about the fucking Shabbos
[Exodus 23:12-23:13]
“Do whatever it is you do for 6 days.62 Stop on the 7th day so your ox and donkey can rest and the son of your ladyslave and the stranger can be refreshed.
“Watch over everything I’ve said to you. Don’t remember the names of other Elohims. They must not be heard on your lips.”63
63: In which we establish some vacation days
[Exodus 23:14-23:19]
“Have three legs as festivals to me in the year.64 Watch over the Festival of Matzah. For seven days, eat matzah like I commanded you at its time in the month of the spring. That’s when I took you out of Mitzrayim. You shouldn’t be seen before me without matzah.
“Have the Festival of the Harvest when the first fruits grow in your fields. The Festival of Gathering comes when the year goes out and you gather what you’ve made from the fields. All males must appear before Yehovah, the master, these three times in the year.
“Don’t offer the blood of my offerings on anything leavened. Don’t leave the fat of my festivals for the morning.
“Bring your first fruits to the house of Yehovah, your Elohim.”65
64: In which, somehow, we are prohibited from eating cheeseburgers
[Exodus 23:29]
“Don’t boil a kid goat in its mother’s milk.”66
65: In which God makes some pretty serious promises to the people
[Exodus 23:20-23:32]
“Behold! I am sending a messenger before you to guard the way and bring you to the place I’ve prepared for you.67 Watch his face and listen to his voice. Don’t cross him. He won’t forgive your crimes because my name is inside of him.68 But if you really listen to his voice69 and do everything he says, I’ll be an enemy to your enemies and a foe to your foes.
“When my messenger goes before you and brings you to the Emori, the Chiti, the Prizi, the C’naani, the Chivi, and the Yevusi and annihilates them, don’t bow to their Elohims.70 Don’t worship them or do what they did, just tear down and smash their pillars. You’ll serve Yehovah, your Elohim, and bless your bread and water and I’ll remove sickness from among you.71 There won’t be a miscarriage or a barren woman in your land and you’ll live out the full count of your days.72
“I will send my terror before you and destroy every nation you come across.73 I’ll give you the necks of all your enemies. I’ll send the swarm74 before you and chase away the Chivi, the C’naani, and the Chivi from in front of you. But I won’t do it in one year so the land doesn’t become desolate and the fields covered in wild animals. I’ll chase them out bit by bit as you expand and take over the land.75
“I’ll make your borders from the Sea of Reeds to the Sea of the Plishtim76 and from the desert to the river77 because the residents of the land will be in your hands. I will chase them from you. Do not make a covenant with them or their Elohims.78 Don’t let them live in the land lest you sin against me and worship their Elohim because they’ll be a temptation to you.”79
66: In which things get supergross
[Exodus 24:1-24:11]
“Go up to Yehovah,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “you, Aharon, Nadav, Avihu, and seventy elders from the Sons of Yisrael, and bow down from afar. Moshe will approach Yehovah alone. No one else can approach.80 The nation will not go up with him.”
Moshe came and told the nation all of Yehovah’s words and all his laws.
The nation answered with one voice.
“We will do all the things Yehovah said,” they said.81
Moshe wrote all of Yehovah’s words.82 He got up early in the morning and built an altar under the mountain. He used twelve standing stones for the twelve tribes of Yisrael. He sent the strapping young lads of Yisrael and they gave ola offerings and peace offerings—bulls.
Moshe took half the blood from the offerings and put it in basins.83 He threw the other half on the altar. He took the Book of the Covenant and read it to the people.84
“Every word Yehovah says!” the people said, “We will do and we will listen.”85
Moshe took the blood and threw it on the people.86
“Hey now!” Moshe said.87 “This is the blood of the covenant Yehovah has made with you on these words.”
Moshe, Aharon, Nadav, Avihu, and 70 elders of Yisrael went up. They saw the Elohim of Yisrael. It looked like there was a sapphire brick under his legs, as pure as the core of the sky. He didn’t send his hand to the nobles of the Sons of Yisrael. They saw the Elohim and they ate and drank.88
67: In which, once again, Moshe goes up the mountain
[Exodus 24:12-24:18]
“Get on my level, Moshe,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “come up the mountain and be there.89 I will give you the stone tablets, the teachings, and the commandments I’ve written, to teach them.”
Moshe went up with his manservant Yehoshua and climbed the Mountain of Elohim.
“Wait here for us,” he said to the elders,90 “until we will come back to you. Behold! Aharon and Choor are with you. Whoever is a master of words should go to them.”91
Moshe climbed the mountain and the cloud enveloped it. The honor of Yehovah rested on Mount Sinai and the cloud covered it for six days. On the seventh day, he called to Moshe from within the cloud. To the eyes of the Sons of Yisrael, Yehovah’s honor looked like a fire that was devouring the top of the mountain.
Moshe went into the midst of the cloud and up the mountain. He was on the mountain for forty days and forty nights.
Jewish law is starting off strong by normalizing slavery.
First, not even clothes. Seconds, women are once again property. Yay!
In that order.
“Elohim” can mean that god dude who gave the laws. It can also mean judge. I’m sure this led to a lot of confusing hijinx during tent times!
Holy shit. The only way he can keep his woman and kids is by staying a slave and getting a hole gouged into his ear.
His not being into her is considered a “betrayal.”
You know, the law of daughters.
According to the Talmud, “her time” is a euphemism for fucking. Which really changes how you think of “time machines.”
Traditional marriage, everyone.
(ie, it was an accident)
Of course, this is only if there are witnesses. If not, it doesn’t matter! Rashi tells a very strange story about what happens if there are no witnesses to an unintentional murder. God summons the accidental murderer to an inn. Staying at the same inn is an intentional murderer who also had no witnesses, so had not been executed. At some point, the accident man climbs a ladder and falls off! Onto the bad murder man, killing him, like he deserves. And since there are witnesses this time, the accidental murderer has to flee to a place of refuge and all is right in the world. Because free will exists, right guys?
The word for nudity and trickery is the same. I picked the better one.
Why does it say “from my altar?” To suggest that even if this man is the High Priest, about to perform the service, he must still be taken away. The Torah has very specific instructions about when it’s appropriate to arrest someone!
You know, like how Yoseph’s brothers were executed immediately for kidnapping and selling him. OOPS.
I guess this means we have to execute every teenager ever.
I know this probably means he knocked him out but I like to think all fights back then were pillow fights.
Doctor’s fees and missed work!
We’re just assuming a guy is gonna hit his slaves. The question is: how hard?
THAT’S A FUCKED UP RULE.
At least not the woman. This kind of implies the fetus is not a person!
Because of course the woman herself won’t.
This could be a continuation of the previous case. Or it could be a new section. Or, everything that follows is part of the previous case!
These laws are very disorganized. It kinda feels like God’s freestyling right now. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, listen to Yehovah, his word is the truth.
Eternal biblical morality, everyone!
Any other body part, eh!
Even the meat is evil!
His parents got a note and everything.
Same word used for “husband,” bee tee dubs. Also, if the ox gored in the past, and it was known enough that the owner was warned, shouldn’t it be dead by now?
I see bronze age cons forming in my mind.
Which laws are that?
I don’t know if this is fair or not because I have no idea what a shekel is worth.
Of course it’s stoned, why else is it causing trouble?
Other animals? Who cares!
“Ah yes, this kill came from the time I left a pit open.”
At this point, everyone’s looking at each other, going “we left Egypt for this?”
Fascinating.
Don’t cry for him. He’s already dead.
You know, as a slave. Of course.
Those are all the animals.
Moral: don’t get caught.
Reasonable.
Really could’ve started with that.
Ew. Also, very easy to fake. I mean, I can get you a disemboweled animal. There are ways, dude. I can get you a disemboweled animal by 3 o’clock this afternoon.
It seems like the Torah is cool with people not being very good at their jobs. And also has gone on a serious tangent away from all the cool volcano stuff.
Root word is “petakh”-פתח – opens, very forceful & active. Here, the commentators say this is more of a seduction, that he spoke to her heart.
To this creepy dude? I wonder why.
Wizards are cool, though. Sorry, Hermione!
Hear that, society? This is the only law where God promises some kind of retribution for its transgression. If only more fire and brimstone preachers got mad at the world for the way we treat our widows and our orphans instead of going on and on about sex stuff.
I like these rules.
Not so compassionate when your people are starving and hungry, though. This is supposed to happen every day. Naked in the day, clothed at night. So embarrassing.
HMMMMM.
It is unclear what this mean. But I think it means that when you gotta go, YOU GOTTA GO.
Um?
Very low bar for holiness. Eat like a person! Don’t eat dead animals you just find!
Especially not on social media.
Don’t hold hands with evil men in general. They don’t wash them after they pee.
Damn!
Aw, jeez, and you were doing so well, Bible.
Not quite as catchy as “turn the other cheek,” but us Jews aren’t known for our brevity. HELP EVERYONE!
Well, of course not.
Mostly awesome rules! Good job, God.
Whatever it is you humans do.
You know that if you ask someone not to remember something, that’s the only thing they can think about, right? Now, they’ll never forget them.
Whatever that means.
Yehovah has a house now?
How? HOW DOES THIS MEAN YOU CAN’T MIX MILK AND MEAT? Are you kidding me? Do you know how many freaking sets of dishes Jews have to buy because of this fucking verse? FUCK!
It’s gonna take a little while.
Weird.
Like, really listen, man. With all of your ears.
How much did he really prepare the land if there are still people living there?
You don’t bless bread and water, God. Everyone knows Hamotzi overrides Shehakol (That’s a little blessing joke for my fellow Brachos Bee champions out there).
I feel like this didn’t happen.
False.
The one from Egypt?
Manifest Destiny, baby!
Specific borders of the Biblical promise that reference actual physical locations! Awesome!
Nevermind.
Um. If the other gods don’t exist, how is that possible?
Ethnic. Fucking. Cleansing.
No cops. We agreed no cops.
I don’t blame them, he hasn’t told them to do anything too crazy, right?
So like, is that what we’re reading now? Is that a separate document? That’s not the famous holy tablets with the so-called Ten Commandments on them, right?
Our sages ask: “Who split the blood in half?” According to the Midrash, an angel did it.
What is the Book of the Covenant? Rashi, and many others, believes it’s everything from Genesis up to this point. More likely, though, it’s referring to all the stuff God’s been saying that Moshe just wrote down.
Na’ase v’nishma! But after it’s been read!
Alice Cooper, Marilyn Manson, GWAR—none of these guys are as metal as Moshe.
“Are you ready to rock?”
God throws the best parties.
Just be there, man.
Where are we right now, Bible? Setting! Locate us in space! Come on!
Huh? Rashi says “whoever has a legal matter.” I guess he’s leaving them in charge.