Week 19: Tribute
In which, well, it's mostly just building instructions
Do you like IKEA?
Then you’ll love this week’s reading!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
7: Tribute
68: In which God asks for materials for his God pad
[Exodus 25:1-25:9]
“Talk to the sons of Yisrael,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “Tell them to give me a tribute. You’ll take a tribute from every man whose heart is motivated.1 This is what I want2:
Gold
Silver
Copper3
Thread dyed techelet,4 purple, and crimson
White linen
Goat hair
Ram skins dyed red
Dolphin skins5
Shittim wood6
Oil for lighting
Spices for the anointing oil and for the sweet, spicy incense
Shoham stones and other stones for the ephod and the breastpiece
“They’ll make a sanctuary for me to chill in.7 I’ll hang out there. Follow the directions I’m about to give you when you make the sanctuary and its tools.”8
69: In which God asks Moshe to make him a Godbox
[Exodus 25:10-25:22]
“Make a box of shittim wood. It should be 2.5 amahs long by 1.5 amahs wide by 1.5 amahs high.
“Cover it with pure gold inside and out. Make a gold molding around it.9 Pour four gold rings for it and put them on its corners, two rings on each side.10 Slide the staffs through the rings to carry the box. Keep them there. Don’t take them out. Put the testimony I’ve given you in the box.
“Make a lid of pure gold, 2.5 amahs long by 1.5 amahs wide. Make two golden cherubs by beating them out of the cover.11 Make one on each side of the cover. Make these cherubs on both sides. They’ll have their wings spread upward, sheltering the cover. The two men will face their brother, their faces will face the cover.12 Put the cover on the box from above13 and put the testimony I’m going to give you into the box. That’s where I’ll meet you.14 I’ll speak to you from the cover. From between the two cherubs on the box of testimony, I’ll say all that I command you to the Sons of Yisrael.”15
70: In which God describes his ideal table
[Exodus 25:23-25:30]
“Make a table of shittim wood. Length: 2 amahs. Height: 1.5 amahs.16 Cover it with pure gold and make a gold molding around it. Make a frame one tephach around it. Make a gold molding for that too.17 Make four gold rings and put them on the corners that are also the legs. The rings should be placed against the frame so they can house staffs used for carrying the table. Make the staffs from shittim wood and cover them with gold and use them to carry the table. Make its bowls, ladles, jugs, and basins covered with pure gold.18 Always have the FaceBread on it for me.”19
71: In which God describes a very confusing candelabra
[Exodus 25:31-25:40]
“Make a candelabra from pure gold.20 It must all be beaten out: its base, shaft,21 cups, knobs,22 and flowers will be from a single piece. It must have three branches emerging on each side. Each branch will be decorated with: three cups, then a knob and a flower. Do this for all six branches. There are four cups on the candelabra, decorated with knobs and flowers. A knob under the two branches that come from it, another knob under the two branches that come from it, and a third knob under its two branches—for the six branches emerging from the candelabra. The knobs and their branches will be pounded out of a single piece of pure gold.23
“Make seven lamps for it. Mount them so they light the front side.24 Make the candelabra’s tong and firepans out of pure gold too. Make the candelabra and its tools out of a single kikar of pure gold. Watch and make the patterns you’ve seen on the mountain.”25
72: In which God describes the drapes of his tent in minute detail
[Exodus 26:1-26:30]
“Make the sanctuary out of ten cloth panels, each made of twisted linen yarn of turquoise, purple, and crimson. Work an illustration of the two cherubs into them. Each panel should be 28 amahs long and four amahs wide, all measuring the same. Join the panels together in groups of five.26 Make loops of techelet on the edges of the panels on opposite ends of each set. Make 50 gold hooks on the edges of the other end panels and attach them to the loops so it becomes a single sanctuary.27
“Make panels from goats as a tent on top of the sanctuary. Make 11 of them. The first panel should be 30 amahs long and 4 amahs wide. All 11 panels should have the same measurements. Join together a group of five panels and a group of six. Fold the sixth panel over the face of the tent.28 Make 50 loops on the end of the panels on the edge of each set. Make 50 copper hooks and join them to the loops to connect the tent and make it one.29
“Whatever extra the panels have,30 drape half over the back of the sanctuary. An extra amah on each side, the length of the tent’s panels, will be draped over the sides of the sanctuary on this side and this side to cover it.31 You’ll make a cover for the tent out of ram skins dyed red and dolphin skin.
“Make the beams of the sanctuary out of shittim wood.32 Height: 10 amahs. Width: 1.5 amahs. The one beam.33 Make two tenons34 in one beam, lined up with each other. Do this for all the beams of the sanctuary. Make the beams for the sanctuary.35 Make 20 for the south side.
“Make 40 silver sockets under the 20 beams, one socket for each tenon. For the second side of the sanctuary, facing north: 20 beams, 40 silver sockets; 2 under each beam For the western side of the sanctuary, make six beams.
“Make two beams for the corners of the sanctuary. They should fit together underneath and stop at the top in a single ring. There will be eight beams and 16 silver sockets—two sockets under each beam.
“Make staffs from shittim wood. Five for the beams of one side of the sanctuary, five for the second side, and five for the west side. The middle staff within the beams should stretch from end to end.
“Cover the beams and their rings with gold. The rings will house the staffs, which should also be covered with gold.36 Raise the sanctuary in accordance with the law I’ll reveal to you on the mountain.”37
73: In which God describes what the inside of his tent should look like
[Exodus 26:31-26:37]
“Make a curtain of turquoise, crimson, and purple thread and twisted linen. Have an artist make an image of cherubs in it.38 Put it on four pillars of shittim wood covered with gold, with golden hooks, in four silver sockets.39 Place the curtain under the hooks and bring the Box of Testimony into the house of the curtain. The curtain will separate between the holy and the Holy of Holies.40
“Put the cover on the Box of Testimony in the Holy of Holies. Put the table outside the curtain and the candelabra near the table on the southern side. The table will be on the northern side. Make a screen for the entrance to the tent out of turquoise, crimson, and purple thread and twisted linen. Have an embroiderer take care of it. Make five pillars of shittim wood for the screen and cover them with gold and make their hooks from gold. Make five silver sockets for them.”41
74: In which God tells Moshe how to make an altar
[Exodus 27:1-27:8]
“Make the altar of shittim wood. Length: 5 amahs. Width: 5 amahs. It will be an altar. Height: 5 amahs.42 Make horns on its four corners and cover it with copper. Make shovels, sprinklers, flesh hooks, a pan for its fatty ashes, and fire pans. Cover all the tools in copper. Make a netted grate from copper and put copper rings on the four ends of the grate.43 Put it under the rim of the altar so the grate will be to the middle of the altar.44 Make staffs for the altar out of shittim wood and cover them in copper. Slide the staffs through the rings on both sides of the altar for when its carried. Make it of hollow panels like I’ll show you on the mountain.45 That’s how you should make it.”
75: In which God describes the courtyard of his very complicated tent
[Exodus 27:9-27:19]
“Make the sanctuary courtyard. On the south side, make panels of twisted linen that are 100 amahs long. Also make 20 pillars with 20 copper sockets. The bands and hooks of the pillars must be silver. On the north side, also make panels 100 amahs long and 20 pillars with 20 copper sockets. Also silver bands and hooks.
“On the sea-facing side, the courtyard will be panels 50 amahs wide and 10 pillars with 10 sockets. On the east side, the front, the courtyard is 50 amahs. Make 15 amahs of panels with 3 pillars and 3 sockets. The courtyard gate is 20 amahs, with turquoise, crimson, and purple yarn and twisted linen embroidery. It requires four pillars with four sockets.46
“All the pillars of the courtyard will be encircled with silver bands and have silver hooks and copper sockets. The courtyard will be 100 amahs long, 50 amahs wide, and 5 amahs tall.47 Twisted linen.48 Its sockets are copper. All the tools of the sanctuary, all its service, its pegs, and the pegs of the courtyard will be copper.”49
THIS is the law received in the 40 days 40 nights. THIS! Nothing else!
Awww, it’s God’s list to Santa.
In the desert? OK!
This techelet thing is believed to be blue dye that comes from the blood of the chilazon mussel.
The Hebrew here is “tekhashim”-תחשים. No one knows what “tekhashim” are. According to Shabbat 28 in the Talmud, this is an animal that no longer exists. The JPS Bible thinks the tachash is a dolphin, which seems really difficult to get in the desert and also a really messed up thing for God to make the Israelites kill and skin.
Rav Tanchuma wonders how they could find shittim wood in the desert. It’s unclear why he thinks finding gold, silver, copper, random dyes, linen, and dolphins is so logical, but we only have a record of him asking about the wood. Anyway, he claims that Yaakov, through a divine vision, knew the Israelites would eventually need this wood, so he planted some shittim trees in Mitzrayim and commanded they be cut down and taken when the Israelites left.
A “Godcave,” if you will.
I think this is the biblical source for IKEA. But with worse customer service.
“In a few thousand years, an archeologist from Marshall College will steal the box and use it to kill a bunch of Nazis.”
We know how corners work, God.
Stupid question: what’s a cherub?
Very confusing directions, God.
How else would you put a cover on?
In a box?
Sure, whatever you say, buddy.
Width? Who cares!
What is the frame made of? Shitty wood?
For centuries, Rabbis have argued about what these utensils were because this was pre-Netflix and they were very bored.
In Hebrew, this is called the Lechem HaPanim. “Lechem” means “bread.” And “Panim” means faces. Some say it’s called that because it has many surfaces. But I call it FaceBread!
What else?
Just beat that shaft out, Moses.
Some translate this as “calyxes.” I translated it as “knobs” because I have no idea what a “calyx” is.
Rabbis have argued for centuries over what these directions mean and exactly what this candelabra looked like. My personal take: who cares?
Is that…how light works?
If they’d felt like drawing the patterns out, it would’ve really helped.
I’ve taken a lot of liberty here to ensure this stuff makes sense. It’s very messy and confusing and for some reason the panels are talked about as “sisters” in groups of “women.” I took that out because this is so boring.
And that’s how Velcro was invented.
What.
Very spiritual.
There shouldn’t be extra! God did it!
What.
Of course!
Ok.
A tenon is a very specific wood-working term that’s essentially the B-slot for a very old joint called the “mortise and tenon.” Didn’t think the Bible would go this deep on woodworking, did you?It is very boring but if you’re interested, go read the Wikipedia article, because there’s no way I’m explaining it.
Ok, ok!
They must have a lot of gold.
Um, isn’t that right now?
You’ve gotta have an artist somewhere.
SO MANY boring instructions. Can’t God just give us a diagram? Has he heard of blueprints?
Jeez of course.
God is spending way more time on this very pointless stuff than rape, slavery, homosexuality, etc. Just a thought
Editing! It wasn’t invented yet!
This is supposedly an eternal document that is endlessly relevant to our modern society. Supposedly.
They are so getting this wrong and God is gonna be furious.
A lot is riding on this mountain thing. When is this supposed to happen?
Are you skimming through this stuff at this point? I wouldn’t blame you if you’re just skimming.
Pop quiz! What is its area?
“Twisted Linen” would be a great name for a “Twisted Sister” cover band that only plays between Memorial Day and Labor Day.
Inventory, please? Worst IKEA ever.