Start your sewing!
And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for: a long description of some clothing.
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
8: Command
76: In which God tells Yisrael to leave a light on for him
[Exodus 27:20-27:21]
“Command the sons of Yisrael to use pure pressed olive oil1 when lighting the eternal flame.” Yehovah said to Moshe.2 “Aharon and his sons should set the fire in the Tent of Witnessing, just outside the curtain that covers the testimony, from evening to morning before Yehovah.3 This is an eternal decree for the sons of Yisrael for generations.”4
77: In which we learn about men’s desert fashion
[Exodus 28:1-28:5]
“You!” Yehovah said to Moshe. “Get all up in your brother Aharon’s grill! And also the respective grills of his various sons! They’re going to kohein to me. Aharon, Nadav, Avihu, Elazar, and Itamar—the sons of Aharon. Make holy clothes for your brother Aharon. For honor and for magnificence.5
“And you, talk to all the wise-hearts I’ve filled with the spirit of wisdom.6 They’ll make Aharon’s clothes to holy him up so he can kohein to me. These are the clothes they’ll make:
“They’ll use turquoise, crimson, and purple yarn, linen, and gold to make holy clothes for your brother Aharon and his sons so they can kohein to me.”10
78: In which God describes his ideal vest
[Exodus 28:6-28:30]
“They’ll make the vest out of gold, turquoise, crimson, and purple thread and twisted linen.11 It must be made by a smart person.12 It’ll have two shoulder pieces, one on each side,13 so it can be connected. Make the vest’s strap14 with gold, yarn of turquoise, crimson, and purple, and twisted linen.
“Take two shoham stones15 and engrave the names of Yisrael’s sons on them. Six names on each stone, in age order.16 Make it like a smart engraver.17 Engrave the names of Yisrael’s sons inlaid with gold, like on a signet ring. Put the two stones on the shoulder pieces of the vest as memorial stones for Yisrael’s sons. Aharon will carry the names before Yehovah on his two shoulders as a memorial.18
“Make gold inlays and two chains of braided pure gold thread. Make them thick.19 Put the thick chains on the inlays.
“Make a breastplate of judgment.20 Have smart people make it, like you did with the vest.21 Make it of gold, yarn of turquoise, crimson, and purple, and twisted linen. Make it.22 It’ll be four, doubled.23 Its length is a zeret and its width a zeret. Set four rows of stone in it.
“One row: carnelian, topaz, and smaragd. That’s the first row.
“The second row: carbuncle, sapphire, and emerald.24
“The third row: jacinth, agate, and amethyst.
“The fourth row: beryl onyx, and jasper.
“Inlay them in their settings, placed over the names of the 12 sons of Yisrael. Make all 12 of them like a signet’s engraving, a stone placed over each name. Make thick pleated chains of pure gold on the breastplate.
“Make two gold rings and put them on the two edges of the breastplate. Slide the two thick chains into them.25 Put the other ends of the two thick chains in two settings on the shoulders of the vest, on the front.26
“Make two gold rings and put them on the two inside edges.27 Put two other gold rings on the vest’s shoulders under the front part near where they’re joined, above the vest’s strap.28 Connect the breastplate from its rings to the vest’s rings with a turquoise string so it is secured to the vest.
“Aharon will carry the names of Yisrael’s sons over his heart in the breastplate of judgment when he goes to the Holy as a constant memorial before Yehovah. Put the Urim and the Tumim in the breastplate of judgment so they’ll be over Aharon’s heart when he goes before Yehovah. Aharon will carry the judgment of the sons of Yisrael over his heart before Yehovah forever.”29
79: In which God describes the rest of his Spring 1446 BCE collection
[Exodus 28:31-28:43]
“Make the vest’s robe completely turquoise.30 It’ll have a hole for the head in the middle.31 Make the edge of the hole woven like a coat of mail so it won’t rip. Make pomegranates of turquoise, crimson, and purple yarn32 all around the edges of its skirts. Put gold bells inside them. Golden bell and pomegranate, golden bell and pomegranate, on the skirts of the robe, all around.33
“When Aharon serves he’ll wear this vest so you can hear the noise it makes when he goes in and out of the Holy before Yehovah.34 So he doesn’t die.
“Make a glistening plate of pure gold. Carve ‘Holy To Yehovah’ in it like on a signet.35 Put it on a turquoise string on the front of the turban so it rests on Aharon’s brow. When the sons of Yisrael bring all sorts of holy gifts and sanctify them, Aharon will the carry their iniquity. Aharon will keep the plate on his head at all times so the nation’s iniquities will be accepted by Yehovah.36
“You’ll weave the shirt in a lattice. Have a color-weaver make a girdle. Make shirts, girdles, and hats for Aharon’s sons.37 For honor and for magnificence.38
“Dress your brother Aharon and his sons with all these clothes.39 Anoint them. Sanctify their hands and make them holy. They’ll kohein to me. Make linen shorts for them to cover their penises and stuff. They should go from the hips to their thighs.40 Aharon and his sons will wear them when they go into the Tent of Witnessing or when they go to the altar to serve in the Holy so they do not carry iniquity and die.41 It‘ll be an eternal decree on him and his seed after him.”
80: In which God tells Moshe how to transform Aharon from a normal brother into a priest
[Exodus 29:1-29:37]
“Collect this stuff for when you sanctify Aharon and his sons so they can kohein to me:
a young bull
two unblemished rams
matzo bread
matzo challah muddled with oil
matzo wafers anointed with oil made from fine wheat flour42
“Put them in one basket and bring them near. Also, the bull and the two rams.43
“Bring Aharon and his sons close to the Tent of Witnessing and clean them with water.44 Take the clothes and dress Aharon with the shirt, the robe of the vest, the vest, and the breastplate.45 You’ll make him beautiful with his important vest.46 Put the turban on his head and put the holy tiara on the turban.47 Then, take the anointing oil and put it on his head and anoint him.48
“Bring his sons close and dress them in the shirts. Gird Aharon and his sons with a girdle.49 Wrap the hats on them. They will have the priesthood by eternal decree. Fill Aharon and his sons’ hands.50
“Bring the bull near before the Tent of Witnessing.51 Aharon and his sons will put their hands on its head. At the entrance to the Tent of Witnessing, slaughter the bull before Yehovah! Use your fingers to put the bull’s blood on the edges of the altar. Pour all the blood on the base of the altar. Take the fat covering its insides, the diaphragm on the liver, the two kidneys, and the fat that’s on the kidneys. Make them smoke up on the altar. Burn the meat of the ram, its skin, and the waste in a fire outside the camp.52
“Now that’s a sin offering!53
“Take the first ram. Aharon and his sons will put their hands on its head. They’ll slaughter the ram and take its blood and throw it all around the altar. Slice the ram into pieces and wash its innards and its feet. Put them on its pieces and its head. Smoke the entire ram up on the altar. That’s an ola to Yehovah. It makes a sweet aroma for Yehovah.54 It’s a fire-offering.55
“Take the second ram. Aharon and his sons should press their hands on its head. They’ll slaughter the ram and take its blood and put it on the top of Aharon’s ear and the tops of his sons’ ears.56 The right one.57 And on the thumb of their right hands and the thumbs of their right feet.58 Then throw the blood all around the altar. Take some of the blood on the altar59 and from the anointing oil and sprinkle it on Aharon, his clothing, his sons, and their clothing.60 He, his sons, and their clothing will become holy.61
“Take the fat from the ram, the fat tail,62 the fat that covers the innards, the diaphragm over the liver, the two kidneys and the fat on them, and the right thigh, because it is the complete ram. Also, one loaf of bread, one challah of oil bread, and a wafer from the basket of matzahs that’s before Yehovah. Put it all on Aharon’s palms and his son’s palms and wave a waving at them before Yehovah. Take all the stuff out of their hands and smoke them up on the altar over the ola. It makes a nice smell for Yehovah.63 It’s a fire-offering for Yehovah.64
“Take the breast from the consecrated ram from Aharon. Do a waving of it before Yehovah. It’ll be your portion. You’ll sanctify the wavy breast—it has been waved!—and the thigh of the separating—it’s been raised! These are taken from the consecrated ram that belongs to Aharon and his sons. It’ll be an eternal decree for Aharon and his sons from the sons of Yisrael that it’s set aside for them. It’s set aside from the sons of Yisrael and from their full sacrifices—it’s set aside for Yehovah.65
“Aharon’s sons will get the holy clothing after him. They’ll be anointed in them and made full through their hands.66 The kohein who is better than the rest Aharon’s sons will wear the clothes for seven days when he comes to the Tent of Witnessing to serve in the Holy.
“Take the consecrated lamb and cook its meat in a holy place.67 Aharon and his sons will eat the ram meat and the bread in the basket at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting.68 They’ll eat the things the people used for atonement so their hands will be full and they can sanctify the people. A stranger can’t eat them because the food is holy.69 If any of the consecrated meat or bread is left until morning, it must be burnt in fire and not eaten because it’s holy.
“Do everything I’ve commanded you to Aharon and his sons. In seven days, fill their hands. Make a sin-offering from one ram every day, on the atonements. It’ll be your transgression on the altar, and you’ll be atoned on it. Anoint it to sanctify it.70 For seven days, repent on the altar and make it holy. The altar will be the holy of holies, anyone who touches it will be holy.”71
81: In which God requests a daily BBQ
[Exodus 29:38-29:46]
“Do two yearling sheep on the altar, every day, always.72 Slaughter the first sheep in the morning and the second in the afternoon.
“For the first sheep, mix a tenth of fine flour73 with a quarter-hin of crushed oil and a quarter-hin of wine.74 Make the second one, in the afternoon, like the morning offering, with the same poured offering.75 Make this fire-offering to Yehovah, as a sweet smell, an eternal ola for generations at the entrance to the Tent of Witnessing before Yehovah. I will find you there to speak with you there. There, I will meet the sons of Yisrael and sanctify them with my glory.76 I’ll sanctify the Tent of Witnessing, Aharon and his sons will be sanctified to kohein to me. I’ll rest within the sons of Yisrael. I’ll be an Elohim to them. They'll know I am Yehovah, their Elohim, who took them from Mitzrayim to rest within them. I am Yehovah, their Elohim.”77
82: In which God describes how he prefers incense happen
[Exodus 30:1-30:10]
“Make an altar out of shittim wood for smoking incense. Make it 1 amah long, 1 amah wide, and 2 amahs high, square. Make horns from it. Cover it, its roof, its walls—all around, and its horns with pure gold. Make a golden crown all around it.78
“Make two gold rings under its crown on its two corners on both sides. They’ll house the staffs used to carry it. Make the staffs of shittim wood and cover them with gold. Put it in front of the curtain that’s near the ark of testimony in front of the cover on the testimony where I will witness to you there.79
“Aharon will smoke up the spice incense every morning.80 He’ll smoke it up when he cleans the lamp.81 When Aharon lights up the lamps between the evenings, he’ll smoke up the incense before Yehovah for generations. Don’t bring up strange incense on it or an ola or an offering and don’t pour the poured offering on it.82 Aharon will clean its horns of blood from the sin-offerings once a year.83 He’ll atone on it once a year for generations. It is the Holy of Holies to Yehovah.”
If extra-virgin olive oil is EVOO for short then I guess pure pressed olive oil is PPOO.
Ugh. God sounds like he’s awful to cook with.
That’s not really “eternal.” More like “Daily.” They don’t call it “The Eternal Show” just because it happens every day.
So like, it’s a decree that’s announced every day?
That’s the only reason to make clothes.
Y’know, the artsy kids.
Weird.
A flannel. Aharon’s a hipster!
And you’re about to hear detailed descriptions of how to make each one!
Fashion Week: Sinai has TERRIBLE parties. There’s no water, let alone booze. And all they have to eat is mon.
Well of course. As has been clearly established, that’s all they’ve got.
I mean, I would imagine.
Just like shoulders.
The Hebrew word for “strap” is חשב. While searching for the correct translation for this word, I discovered one possible translation is the phrase “curious girdle,” which I think sounds like some kind of sex swing.
Whatever those are.
OK GOD.
This is like your grandmother asking you to design a flyer for her. “Make it nice and smart.”
That’s a heavy memorial.
God likes it THICK.
A breastplate of judgement! Just whip one up!
Try using the same smart people so you can get a bulk discount.
Jeez, ok.
OK SURE.
Would you be shocked to learn that the names of these gemstones vary wildly across translations? I know! It’s almost as though it’s impossible to accurately recreate this thing!
Yeah, slide those thick chains through those holes.
Yeah, put those thick chains on their shoulders.
It was around here during my translating when I began to question my commitment to this project.
You think model airplanes are hard. Try making clothing based solely on written instructions. WHAT THE HELL.
Or, you know, until he dies.
Finally! Fuck crimson, gold, purple, and twisted linen! We’re going full turquoise!
One should hope so.
GODDAMNIT.
These instructions seem pretty confusing, partly because they contradict each other. Rabbis have argued over what exactly they were supposed to do. Some say bells inside pomegranates, some say alternating. THE HEBREW IS UNCERTAIN.
Like a cow.
Sell it on QVC.
Ok this is totally a prank.
No pants.
No pants.
Aww they couldn’t dress themselves.
Does this mean everyone else didn’t wear underwear?
And for, you know, support.
In the desert?
Hence the phrase, “don’t put all your unblemished rams in one basket.”
Yes, Moses. Bathe your brother and nephews.
Didn’t this just happen?
God really likes the vest.
The holy tiara is something Judaism sorely needs to bring back.
And get the tiara all oily?
What else would you use?
With what????
Remember? From before?
Burn it all!
Got it? A sin offering is where you just burn the guts of an animal on the altar after pouring its blood everywhere. Then you burn the rest somewhere else. Judaism!
Yehovah loves the smell of burning flesh.
Sure!
Jews are weird.
Well, of course!
Ok!
Don’t worry, there’ll be enough.
That stuff never comes out. Trust me.
Holy is apparently another word for “disgusting.”
Huh?
Weirdo. Kind of assumes he has the sense of smell, though, right?
This is the worst barbecue ever.
It’s set aside! Is it set aside? It’s set aside!
Those clothes are really gross. The hands again!
Y’know, like a kitchen. A kitchen COVERED IN BLOOD.
Why do they get meat but the people don’t?
And also because strangers are gross.
I mean, of course. You can’t sanctify something without anointing it. Duh.
What the fuck.
“Unless societal mores shift and animal sacrifice is no longer acceptable. If that happens, just mumble some words at me for an hour every day.”
A tenth of what?
What is a quarter-hin, you ask? Three loogs!
Why not just tell us they’re the same?
Sure, whenever I try to sanctify people with my glory, they call mall security. But when God does it...
What the fuck is he blabbering about!
Best bong ever.
Huh?
Wake and bake, baby.
Keep it pure, man.
Ew.