Week 21: When You Take
In which there's, guess what? A lot of rules
Here we go!
If you’re looking for any sort of thematic consistency this week, good luck!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
9: When You Take
83: In which there’s a census!
[Exodus 30:11-30:16]
“When you take a headcount of the sons of Yisrael,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “everyone must give an atonement for his soul while you count. That way there’s no plague during the census.1 As they pass by for the census, each will bring half a shekel (of the holy shekel). A shekel is twenty geirah. The half-shekel will be a tribute to Yehovah.
“Everyone 20 years and older who comes for the counting will give a tribute to Yehovah.2 The wealthy can’t give more than a half-shekel and the poor cannot give less as the tribute they bring to Yehovah to atone for their souls.3
“Take the atoning silver from the sons of Yisrael4 and put it toward the work of the Tent of Witnessing. It will be a memorial to Yehovah. That way, the sons of Yisrael can atone for their souls.”
84: In which cleanliness is requested by godliness
[Exodus 30:17-30:21]
“Make a copper sink,” Yehovah said to Moshe,5 “with a copper pedestal. For washing!6 Put it between the Tent of Witnessing and the altar. Put water in it.7 Wash Aharon and his sons with it. Wash their hands and their feet.8 When they come to the Tent of Witnessing, wash them with water so they don’t die.9 Also, when they go to the altar to smoke up a fire-offering to Yehovah, wash their hands and feet so they don’t die. This will be an eternal decree for him and his seed for generations.”10
85: In which things get awesome
[Exodus 30:22-30:34]
“Take some head spices for yourself,” Yehovah said to Moshe,11 “500 of pure myrrh, 250 of smelly cinnamon, 250 of cannabis,12 500 of kiddah based on the holy shekel, and a hin of olive oil.13 Make it into a holy anointing oil, mix it up, and blend it. It’ll be a holy anointing oil.14
“Anoint the Tent of Witnessing with it.15 And the Ark of Testimony.16 And the table, all its tools, the candelabra and all its tools, the incense altar, the offering altar and all its tool, the sink, and its pedestal. Sanctify them. They will be so damn holy. Whatever touches them will become holy.17 Also, anoint Aharon and his boys so they’ll become holy and kohein to me.
“Say this to the sons of Yisrael: ‘This will be a holy anointing oil to me for generations. Do not smear it on manmeat18 and don’t make any recipe like it.19 It is holy and will be holy to you. Anyone who makes anything like it and puts it on a stranger will be cut off from his nation.’”
86: In which there is more holy oil
[Exodus 30:34-30:38]
“Grab yourself some spices,” Yehovah said to Moshe. “Take stacte, onycha, galbanum, spices and pure frankincense in equal amounts. Have a spice mixer make a mixture of incense, totally mixed, pure and holy. Grind some of it finely and put it before the testimony in the Tent of Witnessing where I will testify to you. It’ll be a holy of holies to you.20 Don’t make any other incense like this. It’ll be holy to you for Yehovah. Anyone who tries to recreate the smell will be cut off from his nation.”21
87: In which there’s still more
[Exodus 31:1-31:11]
“Now see here,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “I’ve called Betzalel son of Oori son of Choor from the tribe of Yehudah by name and filled him with the spirit of Elohim in wisdom, understanding, knowledge, and every single kind of work.22 I’ve made him able to design gold, silver, and copper, to carve stone for filling, and every other kind of work in the world.23
“Koopa Troopa! I’ve given Ahalee’ah son of Acheesamach from the tribe of Dan to him.24 This guy’s got all the wisdom of the heart in his heart.25 I’ve given him wisdom. He’ll make everything I’ve commanded: the Tent of Witnessing, the Ark of Testimony, the cover on it, all the tools of the tent, the table and all its tools, the Candelabra of Purity and all its tools,26 the incense altar, the olah altar and all its tools, the sink and its pedestal, the service clothes, the holy clothes for Aharon the kohein, the clothes for all his sons to kohein in, the anointing oil, and the incense of spices for sanctifying. Just like I commanded you.”27
88: In which God talks about the fucking Shabbos again
[Exodus 31:12-31:18]
“Now,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “say this to the sons of Yisrael:28 ‘You must observe my fucking Shabbos because it is a sign between the both of us for generations so you know I am Yehovah, who sanctified you.29 Guard over the fucking Shabbos because it is holy to you. Its profaners must die right away.30 The soul of anyone who does work during the fucking Shabbos must be cut off from within the heart of his nation.31
“You’ll do work for six days.32 The seventh day is a holy Shabbaty fucking Shabbos to Yehovah. Anyone who does work on the fucking Shabbos day must die right away. The sons of Yisrael must guard the fucking Shabbos to make the fucking Shabbos for generations—an eternal covenant. It is sign between me and the sons of Yisrael forever because for six days Yehovah make the sky and the ground. On the seventh day, he rested and resouled.”
When he was finished talking with Moshe on Mount Sinai, Yehovah gave him the two stone tablets of Testimony inscribed by the finger of Elohim.33
89: In which the nation tries its best but still screws up big time
[Exodus 32:1-32:29]
The nation noticed Moshe was a little late coming down the mountain. They completely mobbed Aharon.
“Get up!” they said. “Make an Elohim that can travel ahead of us because we have no idea what happened to Moshe, the man who took us out of Mitzrayim.”34
“Take the gold earrings from your women, sons, and daughters and bring them to me,” Aharon said to them.35
The whole nation ripped their earrings off and brought them to Aharon. He took the stuff, put it in a mold, and made them into a molten calf.
“Yisrael!” he said, “these are your Elohim who brought you up from Miztrayim!”
Aharon saw all this and built an altar in front of the calf.
“Tomorrow is a festival to Yehovah!” he called out.36
The next day, they got up early and brought olahs and peace offerings. Things turned wild. Food and drink flowed and an orgy broke out.37
“Get down there!” Yehovah said to Moshe. “Your people, who you brought out of Mitzrayim, are going bananas.38 I commanded them on a path but they strayed so damn quickly!39 They made a molten calf for themselves and bowed to it and sacrificed to it and said ‘These are your Elohim, Yisrael, who raised you out of Mitzrayim.’”40
“I know these guys,” Yehovah told Moshe, “and yeesh! They are some stiff-necked people!41 Get away from me! I’ll burn them with my anger and destroy them. Then, I’ll make you into a great nation.”42
Moshe pled with Yehovah to his face.
“Yehovah,” he said, “why burn your anger at your nation?43 You took them out of Mitzrayim with great strength and a strong hand! Don’t let Mitzrayim say ‘He took them out in evil to kill them in the mountains; to wipe them off the face of the earth!’ Chill out with your burning anger! Calm your evil down! Remember what you yourself swore to your slaves Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov! ‘I’ll make your seed increase like the stars of the skies,’ you said.44 ‘I’ll give the entire land I talked about to your seed as their share forever.’”
Yehovah calmed down and let go of the evil he talked about doing to his nation.
Moshe turned and went down from the mountain with the two tablets of testimony in his hands. There was writing on both sides of the tablets.45 Elohim made the tablets by boring the writing into them.
Yehoshua heard the nation clamoring.
“The sound of war is coming from the camp!” he said to Moshe.46
“I don’t hear a sound of distress from the mighty,” Moshe said, “nor from the weak. But I do hear distress!”47
When he got near the camp and saw the calf and the dancing, Moshe’s brow burned.48 He threw the tablets and broke them under the mountain. He took the calf they made and burned it in a fire, ground it until it was very fine, sprinkled it on some water, and made the sons of Yisrael drink it.49
“What did they do?” Moshe said to Aharon. “You’ve done a real bad thing!”
“Don’t get your head all hot, master!” Aharon said to Moshe. “You know the nation is in a bad place. ‘Make us an Elohim,’ they said to me, ‘so it’ll travel before us because we don’t know what happened to that Moshe guy who brought us up out of Mitzrayim—.’ So I said to them, ‘Who has gold?’ They broke it off, tossed it in the fire, and this calf came out!”
Moshe saw that Aharon had exposed the natio in shame to their enemies. Moshe stood at the gate of the camp.
“Whomever is for Yehovah,” he said, “to me!”
All the sons of Levi went to him.50
“This is what Yehovah, Elohim of Yisrael, said,” he said to them, “’Everyone must grab his sword and go back and forth through the camp, killing their brother, their neighbor, and their kin.’”51
The sons of Levi did what Moshe said. About 3000 men fell that day.52
“Fill your hands to Yehovah today,” Moshe said. “Because today you’ve gone against your sons and brothers so I can give you a blessing.”53
89: In which Moshe kisses the rings
[Exodus 32:30-32:35]
The next day, Moshe spoke to the nation.54
“You messed up big time!” he said. “I’m going up to Yehovah now and maybe I can atone for what you did.”
Moshe went back to Yehovah.
“Please!” he said. “The nation has sinned real bad! They made a themselves a golden Elohim. But could you please just let it go? If you don’t, you’d better take me out of that book you’re writing.”55
“I will erase anyone who sins against me from my book,” Yehovah said to Moshe.56 “Go and lead the nation like I told you. Powerball! I’ll send a messenger ahead of you. On the day I make an accounting, I’ll make the nation account for its sins.”57
Yehovah sent a plague to the nation for what they did with the calf Aharon made.58
90: In which Moshe establishes his office hours
[Exodus 33:1-33:11]
“Get out of here!” Yehovah said to Moshe, “ You and the nation! I brought you up from Mitzrayim to take you to the land I swore to Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov, saying, ‘I will give it to your seeds.’ I’ll send a messenger before you to get rid of the C’naani, the Emori, the Chiti, the Prizi, the Chivi, and the Yevusi. To a land flowing with milk and honey! I won’t rise up within you because you are a stiff-necked people. I might destroy you on the way.”59
The nation heard this bad stuff and freaked out.60 Men didn’t put their ornaments on.61
“Tell the sons of Yisrael,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “’You are a stiff-necked nation.62 In a moment I could rise up within you and wipe you out. Take your ornaments off. I know what to do with you.’”63
The sons of Yisrael lost the ornaments they got on Mount Chorev.64 Moshe took the tent65 and planted it outside the camp, far away, and called it the Tent of Witnessing. Anyone who wanted Yehovah went to the Tent of Witnessing outside the camp. The whole nation got up when Moshe left to the tent. Everyone stood by the opening of the tent, watching Moshe until he went in.66 When he did, the pillar of cloud descended and stood near the opening of the tent and spoke with Moshe. The whole nation saw the pillar of cloud standing by the entrance to the tent.67 They all got up and went near the tent’s opening. Yehovah spoke to Moshe face to face like he was talking to his neighbor.68 Moshe would return to the camp.69 His prince, Yehoshua, son of Nun, a young lad, never left the tent.70
91: In which God and Moshe get very close
[Exodus 33:12-34:17]
“Look!” Moshe said to Yehovah. “You tell me to lead the nation but you don’t tell me who you’re gonna send with me. You said, ‘I’ll make your name known. You have found favor in my eyes.’71 If I’ve found favor in your eyes, show me your ways! Then, I’ll really know you and I can find favor in your eyes. These people are your nation!”
“My face will go so you can rest,” he said.72
“If your face isn’t coming,” he said,73 “don't take us out of here. How will people know you like me? Me and your nation. Aren’t you setting us apart from every other nation in the land by traveling with us?”74
“I’ll also do this thing,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “that I talked to you about. Because you’ve found favor in my eyes and I’ll make your name known.”
“Show me your glory, please,” Moshe said.75
“I’m going to pass all my goodness in front of your face,” he said,76 “while calling out the name ‘Yehovah’.77 I will favor those I favor and be merciful to those I have mercy for. You can’t see my face, though, because no one can look at it and live.”78
“Yowza!” Yehovah said. “Have I got a place for you! You’ll stand on the rock. When my honor comes, I’ll stick you in a crack in the rock cover you with my palm until it passes.79 I’ll take my palm off so you can see my butt. But you won’t see my face.”80
“Carve two stone tablets like the first ones,” Yehovah said to Moshe. “I’ll write the words that were on the first tablets on those. The ones you broke.81 Get yourself correct for the morning. In the morning, go up Mount Sinai and stand with me on the top of the mountain.82 Go up alone. No man should be seen on the whole mountain. Also, no sheep or cattle can be anywhere near the mountain.”83
Moshe carved two tablets like the first ones. He awoke early and went up the mountain like Yehovah commanded him, with the two stone tablets in his hands.
Yehovah came down in a cloud and stood with Moshe. He called the name “Yehovah.”
Yehovah passed over Moshe’s face.84
“Yehovah!” he cried out. “Yehovah! Merciful and gracious El! Slow to anger!85 Full of kindness and truth! Preserver of kindness for thousands, forgiving iniquity, transgression, and sin! Cleans and doesn’t clean!86 Redeems iniquity of the fathers on their sons and on the sons of sons, for three generations, and for four.”
Quickly, Moshe bowed his head to the ground and prostrated himself.
“My lord, if you like me,” he said, “please travel with us. We are a stiff-necked people. You have forgiven our iniquity and our mistakes! Also, you divided us.”
“Kapow!” Yehovah said. “I’m gonna set up a covenant. I’ll do wonders for this nation that have never been seen in any land or country. They’ll see what Yehovah can do. What I am about to do with you is pretty awesome.87
“Could you please listen to what I command you today? I’m going to chase the Emori, the C’naani, the Chiti, the Prizi, the Chivi, and the Yevusi from your path. But beware! When you get into the land, don’t make a treaty with anyone living there. They might trap you. Smash their altars! Break their pillars! Cut down their groves!88 You must not worship any other El because Yehovah’s name is jealous! Yehovah is a jealous El! If you make a treaty with the people living there, you might whore after and sacrifice to their Elohims He’ll call you and you’ll eat from his sacrifice.89 You’ll take their daughters for your sons. Their daughters will whore after their Elohims and get your sons to join them!
“Don’t make molten Elohims for yourself.”
92: In which God reminds Moshe of a holiday
[Exodus 34:18]
“Guard the festival of Matzahs. Eat matzah for seven days at the time I commanded you in the month of spring because I took you out of Mitzrayim in the month of spring.”
93: In which God gets freaky
[Exodus 34:19-34:20]
“Every thing that opens a womb is mine. Every male from cattle, the first of an ox or sheep. All mine. Redeem the donkey opener with a sheep.90 If you don’t redeem it, break its neck.91
“Redeem every first born from your sons. Do not come before me empty.”
94: In which again with the fucking Shabbos!
[Exodus 34:21]
“Work for six days and rest on the seventh. Take a rest from plowing and harvesting.”
95: In which there are some other holidays
[Exodus 34:22-34:26]
“Make yourselves a festival of weeks. The first of the wheat harvest and the festival of the gathering at the end of the year. Three times a year, all your men should appear before the master Yehovah, Elohim of Yisrael. I will chase the nations away from in front of you and expand your borders. No man will desire your land when you go up to appear before Yehovah, your Elohim, three times a year.
“Don’t slaughter the blood of my offering over leavened bread and don’t leave the sacrifice of the Pesach festival until morning. Bring the first fruit of your land to the house of Yehovah, your Elohim. Don’t cook a kid goat in his mother’s milk.”92
96: In which Moshe has some weird stuff going on the face department
[Exodus 34:27-34:35]
“Write these words,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “Because I have formed a covenant with you and Yisrael with these words.”93
Moshe spent 40 days and 40 nights with Yehovah. He didn’t eat bread or drink water. He wrote on the tablet the words of the covenant, the ten things.94 When Moshe went down from the mountain with the two tablets of witnessing in his hands. He didn’t know that the skin of his face shone when he spoke with Yehovah.95
Aharon and all the sons of Yisrael saw Moshe and by Jove! His face skin was shining!96 They were scared to come near him. Moshe called to them and Aharon and all the presidents in the assembly returned to him. Moshe spoke with them. After, all the sons of Yisrael approached and Moshe commanded them everything Yehovah has said on Mount Sinai.
Moshe finished speaking and put on a mask.97 Moshe would take the mask off when he went to talk to Yehovah and kept it on until he went outside again. Then, he’d tell the sons of Yisrael what Yehovah commanded. The sons of Yisrael would see Moshe’s glowing skin and Moshe would keep the mask on until he spoke with Yehovah again.
A reasonable concern during a census.
If there’s one thing God needs, it’s money.
Clearly God is a supporter of the flat tax.
It calls out that this is from the males over twenty so clearly “sons” is accurate.
Dear God, there’s more?
This just happened.
Well, duh.
Glad he specified. Otherwise this could’ve got dicey.
God is a lot like your mom. If you walk into the house with dirty feet, they’re both totally going to kill you.
This kind of still happens! On holidays, when the koheins bless the congregation in shul, they go out and do stuff with the levis that I’ve never seen because I’m just a lowly Yisrael but I assumed they’re getting their feet washed!
Hell yeah.
know, I know. I’m getting very alternative here. But a Polish anthropologist named Sara Benetowa who later changed her name to Sulah Benet believed the Hebrew קנה–בשם refers to cannabis. So of course I’m translating it that way.
A hin is 12 loogs!
Heck yes it’ll be holy.
Ew.
So messy.
Like the King Midas of holy-making.
What.
It’s the secret formula for Coke!
Sure are a lot of holy of holies.
Kinda like how if you try to recreate the secret Coca-Cola recipe, they will FIND YOU.
מלאכה! So important to the Rabbis! We’ll come back to this!
The only thing he doesn’t have is free will.
The tribe of Dan was so bummed by its patriarch’s boring name that they all took on the craziest names possible.
Also, a lot of cholesterol.
I don’t know when it became the “Candelabra of Purity” but OK.
Moshe must’ve breathed a huge sigh of relief when he found out he didn’t have to build all that crap himself.
I gotta say, Moshe must’ve had an amazing memory to get all this verbatim.
This again?
Woah, that’s new.
מלאכה! There’s that word again! “Malacha!” Since this show up right after the previous section, the rabbis decided that everything done for the Tent is considered “work” and is prohibited on Shabbos.
Um, five. THANKS UNIONS, FOR DESECRATING GOD’S WORD.
Finally! The tablets! The famous tablets! Though, um, it doesn’t say that the ten things God said all those chapters ago were on them. It kinda seems more like everything we just read, going all the way back to chapter 47 of this translation, the bulk of which has been directions for building and making clothes. But what do I know? I’m just some guy!
He fell in the volcano, obviously. This panic is totally reasonable!
“Not you. I know you would never wear earrings.”
He’s still calling it Yehovah! They’re really trying!
The word here is “le’tzacheck” - לצחק, which has meant sexual stuff before, like when Avimelech saw Yitzchak diddling Rivka back in Genesis. If the whole nation is “playing,” that sounds like an orgy to me.
They start misbehaving and all of a sudden they’re “your people”? Come on, God!
They don’t know yet!
He didn’t even mention the orgy!
That’s how you made them, buddy.
I don’t think God “gets” people.
Smart, throwing the “your” right back at him.
I love it when Moshe talks dirty.
So, some people think this just means there was writing on both sides of the tablets, which seems normal. Other people think it means that the words were etched all the way through the stone, but someone was identical on the other side. Miracles!
Poor kid has no idea what an orgy sounds like.
That’s, uh, not distress you’re hearing, man.
Oh no, he’s running a fever!
Ok that went from angry to superweird. “You like this golden calf so much? WELL WHY DON’T YOU DRINK IT!”
Maybe one else could hear him.
This never happened. Yehovah never said this.
Give or take. The Bible doesn’t owe you exact numbers. Also, holy shit!
What.
After having 3000 of them murdered. Gotta do another census!
How did you know I was writing a book?
Guess it’s not this one.
Very ominous way to declare tax day
So...he wasn’t ok with it?
What.
Of course.
Stopped wearing jewelry?
Jeez, God. Learn a new insult.
Woah.
What.
Which tent? Wasn’t he talking to God?
They made the women stay inside.
Cool.
Since Moshe supposedly never saw Yehovah’s face, I guess the specific neighbor we’re talking about here is Wilson from Home Improvement.
Bible totally screws up the pronouns here and it seems like Yehovah returns.
Sucks to be Yehoshua.
Promises, promises, God.
God’s face is exhausting.
Moshe, I guess.
WHAT IS HAPPENING. BY GOD WALKING WITH THEM LITERALLY. HOW ELSE WILL PEOPLE KNOW? Explicitly asks God to make his presence known on earth because how else will people know of God’s glory?
Glory or GTFO.
Otherwise known as teabagging.
Kinky.
Wait but aren’t they talking face to face?
What the fuck is going on.
Oh! So God is just really self-conscious.
Way to rub it in, God.
I guess he’s down now?
Well, obviously.
And that’s why they call it Passover (Not really. That was a joke).
Yeah, right.
Cleans and also doesn’t clean? That could be anyone.
This was kind of like Babe Ruth calling his homers but a little less cool.
Their groves? What did the bushes do to anyone?
He might text you, too!
The Donkey Opener was a very late career Steven Seagal movie.
What.
GODDAMIT THIS AGAIN!
Which ones? The stuff he just said?
Woah.
This is crazy. Some people say it’s horns. Some say he was disfigured. I like glowface.
This was before moisturizer so it really blew everyone’s minds.
Because Moshe was sssssmokin’!