Are you ready for some building?
Well, get ready!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
10: Gathered
97: In which Moshe repeats all that Sabbath stuff yet again
[Exodus 35:1-35:3]
Moshe gathered all the freaking sons of Yisrael.
“These are the things Yehovah has commanded you to do.” Moshe said. “Do work for seven days. The seventh day will be a holy one for you. A super fucking Shabbos to Yehovah. Anyone who works that day will die. Don’t carry a fire anywhere you live on the fucking Shabbos”
98: In which Moshe gives his crew a shopping list
[Exodus 35:4-35:29]
“So! Here’s what Yehovah commanded you,” Moshe said to the entire congregation of the sons of Yisrael. “Bring a tribute to Yehovah! Everyone who has a generous heart will bring the following to Yehovah:1
gold
silver
copper
turquoise, crimson, and purple yarn
twisted linen
red ram’s skin
dolphin skin
shittim wood
oil to light
spices for the oil of anointing and for the incense smoke2
shoham stones and filling stones for the vest and the breastplate
“Everyone with a smart heart3 in them should come and make everything Yehovah commanded:4
the sanctuary
its tents
its cover
its hooks
its beams
its bars
its pillars
its sockets
the box and its beams
the cover
the screen door thing
the table and its beams and all its tools
the FaceBread
the shiny candelabra and its tools
its candles
the oil for shining
the incense altar and its beams
the anointing oil
the smokey incense
the screen covering the sanctuary entrance
the altar for sacrifices and its copper grill5 and its beams
the sink and its pedestals
the curtains of the courtyard, its beams and its sockets
the covering for the courtyard gate
the pegs of the sanctuary and their cords
the mesh clothing for the service in the holy
the holy clothing for Aharon the Kohein
the clothing his sons will use for their koheining”
All the sons of Yisrael left Moshe.6
Every man set his heart.7 All whose spirit moved him brought a tribute to Yehovah to be used in the work and the holy clothing of the Tent of Witnessing.8 All the men who had generous hearts came on the women.9 They took lip rings, nose rings, rings, beads, and lots of gold things. Every man brought a gold offering to Yehovah.10 Anyone who found turquoise, crimson, or purple yarn, goat’s hair, red ram’s skin, or dolphin’s skin brought it.11
Anyone who set aside a tribute of silver and copper brought it to Yehovah.12 Anyone who found shittim wood for the sanctuary’s work brought it.13 Every woman with a smart heart spun the turquoise, the crimson, and the purple wool and linen with her hands.14 All women whose hearts were moved with wisdom spun the goats.15 The presidents brought the shoham stones and the filling stones for the vest and the breastplate. The spice, the oil for lighting, the anointing oil, and the smokey incense.16 Every man and woman whose hearts moved them brought stuff for the work Yehovah commanded them: the volunteers brought it to Yehovah.
99: In which Moshe announces the team leaders
[Exodus 35:30-36:1]
“Check it out!” Moshe said to the sons of Yisrael, “Betzalel son of Uri, son of Chur from the tribe of Yehudah! Yehovah has called your name!17 Yehovah has filled Betzalel with Elohim-based spirit juice in wisdom, understanding, knowledge, and all work. Also, Betzalel now knows how to design gold, silver, and copper, to etch with stone for filling, to carve wood, and to do all kinds of arts and crafts. Yehovah put teaching into Betzalel’s heart.18
“And also Ahaliav son of Achisamach from the tribe of Dan! Yehovah filled them with heart wisdom to make the work of every craftsman, artist, and embroiderer in turquoise, crimsons, and purple wool and linen. Also, the weaver.19 Pretty much everyone who makes things and all artists who make art.20 Betzalel, Ahaliav, and every man with a smart heart who had the knowledge and understanding to do all the work for the holy service will make everything Yehovah put into them.”21
100: In which there’s even more about this Betzalel fellow
[Exodus 36:2-36:38]
Moshe called to Betzalel, Ahaliav, and all the men who had smart hearts with Yehovah’s wisdom inside of them.22 Pretty much everyone whose heart inspired him to do that work.23 They took all the tributes the sons of Yisrael brought from in front of Moshe. More donations came in every morning.
All the smart guys who were making the holy stuff stepped away from their work.
“The nation is bringing way more than we need for what Yehovah wants!” Moshe said to them.
Moshe commanded and they shouted throughout the camp.
“Everyone! Stop bringing your holy tributes!” they shouted.
They all stopped bringing stuff. The had enough to make everything Yehovah wanted AND MORE!
Every wise-hearted man working for the sanctuary made 10 panels from twisted linen and turqiouse, crimson, and purple wool. They made the cherubs. Artistically.24
One panel was 28 amahs long and 4 amahs wide. They made the others identical to the first. He attached the ten panels to each other. He made five turquoise loops on the edges of the end panels, arranged next to each other. He made fifty golden hooks and used them to attach the panels to each other. The sanctuary was one.25
He made 11 panels of goat hair into a tent covering the sanctuary, 30 amahs long and 4 amahs wide.26 He connected five panels in one group and six in another. He made 50 loops on the sides of the outermost panels in each group. He made fifty copper hooks to join the tent so it’d be one. He made a cover for the tent from the dyed-red ramskins with a dolphin-skin cover on top.27
He made the beams for the sanctuary of shittim wood. The beams were 10 amahs tall and 1.5 amahs wide. Each beam of the sanctuary has two tenons, above each other like rungs. He made the beams for the sanctuary.28 They made 20 beams for the southern side with 40 silver sockets underneath—two sockets under each beam for its two tenons.
They made 20 beams and 40 silver sockets for the second face of the sanctuary—the north side—two sockets under each beam. He made 6 beams for the side facing the sea, the back. He made two beams at the back corners. They fit together on the bottom and were held together at the top by a ring. He did that at the corners, too. There were eight beams with 16 silver sockets. Two sockets under one beam.
He made 5 bars of shittim wood for the beams of one side of the sanctuary, five bars for the second side, and five bars for the back side of the sanctuary, to the west. He made the middle bar to cross the beams from end to end.29
He covered the beams with gold and made gold rings as housings for the bars. He covered the bars with silver. He made the screen of turquoise, crimson, and purple wool and twisted linen. He made cherubs on it, as nice as an artist. He made 4 pillars of shittim and covered them in gold. Their hooks were gold, too. He poured four silver sockets for them. He made a screen of turquoise, crimson, and purple wool and twisted linen with embroidery for the entrance to the tent. And five pillars and their hooks. He covered the tops of the hooks and their belts with gold and their five sockets with copper.30
101: In which Betzalel makes a box
[Exodus 37:1-37:9]
Betzalel made the box out of shittim wood. It was 2.5 amahs wide, 1.5 amahs long, and 1.5 amahs tall. He covered it, inside and out, with pure gold and made a gold molding crown all around it. He forged four gold rings for its feet, two on each side. He made rods from shittim wood and plated them with gold.31 They slid the rods into the rings on the sides of box to carry it.
He made the cover of pure gold. It was 2.5 amahs wide and 1.5 amahs long. He beat two gold cherubs from the two sides of the cover, one cherub on each side. The cherubs were spreading their wings upwards, sheltering the cover, facing each other.
102: In which Betzalel builds what is apparently the most important table ever
[Exodus 37:10-37:16]
Betzalel made the table from shittim wood. It was 2 amahs long, 1 amah wide, and 1.5 amahs tall. He covered it with pure gold and made a gold crown all around it. He made a rim a tephach32 around it and made a gold crown for the rim. He forged four gold rings for it and embedded them on the corners of the table’s four legs. The rings were near the rim as housings for the rods used to carry the table. He made the rods of shittim wood and covered them in gold. He made the utensils on the table—the bowls, ladles, jugs, and basins that you dip in—of pure gold.
103: In which the word “shaft” is used a lot in close proximity to the word “beaten”
[Exodus 37:17-37:24]
He made the candelabra of pure beaten gold. The candelabra, its base, shaft, cups, knobs, and flowers were all from that one piece. Six shafts emerged from it, three from each side.33 Three cups, then a knob and a flower, decorated each shaft.34 That’s how the six shafts coming from the candelabra should look.
On the candelabra itself, four cups decorate it between knobs and flowers. There were six shafts, three on each side, with a knobs in the middle where each pair of shafts met.35 The knobs and the shafts were all beaten from one piece of pure gold.36
He made seven candles, their tongs, and firepans from pure gold. He made all of it and its tools from a single kikar of pure gold.37
104: In which Betzalel builds the incense altar
[Exodus 37:25-37:29]
He made the incense altar from shittim wood. It was a square, 1 amah long, 1 amah wide, and 2 amahs tall. There were horns from it.
He covered it, its roof, its walls, all around, and its horns with pure gold. He made a gold crown all around. And two gold rings under its crown on its two corners as housings for the rods used to carry it. He made the rods from shittim wood and covered them with gold. He made the holy anointing oil and the pure smokey incense, as skillful as a blender.38
105: In which Betzalel makes the boring old regular altar
[Exodus 38:1-38:7]
He made the sacrificial altar out of shittim wood.39 It was five amahs long and five amahs wide—squared. It was three amahs tall. He made horns coming out of its four corners. He covered it in copper. He made all the tools of the altar:
It was all made from copper. He made a grill out of latticed copper for the altar under its band—under in the middle.42 He forged four rings43 on the four corners of the corner grate as housings for the rods. He made the rods of shittim wood and covered them in copper. He slid the rods into the rings44 on the sides of the altar to carry it with them. He made it hollow, with paneled sides.
106: In which Betzalel makes the rest of this furshlugginer “holy” crap
[Exodus 38:8-38:20]
He made the sink and its pedestal of copper that was taken from the mirrors given by the women who hung out near the Tent of Witnessing.45
He made the yard. On the south side, the curtains were made of 100 amahs of twisted linen. They had 20 pillars and 20 copper sockets. Their pillar’s hooks and belts were silver. On the north side, it was 100 amahs. 20 beams. 20 copper sockets. The pillars’ hooks and belts were silver. On the west: 50 amahs, 10 pillars, 10 sockets, with silver hooks and belts. On the east side, 50 amahs. Curtains of 15 amahs on the shoulder, 3 pillars, and 3 sockets.46 On the second shoulder, to the gate of the yard, curtains of 15 amahs, 3 pillars and 3 sockets. All the curtains of the yard were made with twisted linen.47 The sockets for the pillars were copper. The pillars’ hooks, belts, and the plating of their heads were silver. All the pillars of the yard were belted with silver.
An embroiderer made the gate’s screen with turquoise, crimson, and purple wool and twisted linen. It was 20 amahs long, 5 amahs high, and 5 amahs wide. There were four pillars and an equal number of copper sockets. Their hooks, the bands on their heads, and their belts were silver. All the pegs of the sanctuary and the yard around it were copper.
Anyone without a generous heart can go fuck themselves.
Which, as we learned last week, is mostly hallucinogenic drugs.
They didn’t know about brains yet.
Arts and crafts time!
It’s a BBQ!
Because they were bored as hell.
To stun!
Why didn't God just make them do it?
Wait…
How did they have everything left after the calf incident?
You know, it was just lying around in the desert.
Makes sense.
And they probably had, because every damn thing back then was made of shittim wood.
Y’know, women’s work.
This probably means the goats’ hair, but I prefer to believe that goat-spinning in an ancient vaudevillian performance that has long since fallen out of style.
Fragment.
Come on down! You’re the next contestant on God is Always Right!
In the form of mitral valve prolapse. Better get that checked, Betzalel.
Guess they can’t delegate, huh?
They can do everything. But not well.
It’s kinda like learning kung fu in The Matrix. But with God!
“Hey baby, would you like a little bit of Yehovah’s wisdom inside of you?”
It didn’t matter if you were good. If you were into art, you were on board.
Well, good for them.
They’re basically making a circus.
If you think this is boring, you should’ve seen this information the first time, when it was described in even more tedious detail!
Lovely.
We know.
I hate this book so much right now.
This rivals Hemingway in its concision.
Just like an Oscar!
Whatever that is.
Lucky guy.
Ok, no judgment, but that’s some weird genitalia.
I think the technical term for two shafts meeting is “frotting.”
Must’ve been a big piece of gold.
How nice for him.
God’s personal blunt roller!
Shittim wood! It’s the only wood there is!
I mean, you’re definitely gonna need one of those.
Yum.
Of course.
One ring to bind them. Another ring to bind them. A third ring to bind them. All the rings…were to bind them.
Oh yeah. Read it nice and slow.
According to Rashi, the women used to stand naked in front of these mirrors next to their men in order to get them horny for fucking. Why we need to know this, I have no idea.
I’m not even trying to make this not suck anymore. I hate this chapter.
Duh.