Week 23: Accounting
In which some folks get dressed
Another finale!
Can you believe it came so soon?
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
11: Accounting
107: In which we calculate some motherfuckin’ sums!
[Exodus 38:21-38:31]
This is the accounting of the sanctuary.1 The sanctuary of witnessing, that is! Moshe tallied all the work made by the Levites,2 Itamar son of Aharon the Kohein, Betzalel son of Uri son of Chur of the Yehudah tribe, and Ahaliav son of Achisamach of the Dan tribe. Ahaliav joined in as a carver, an artist, and an embroiderer with turquoise, crimson, and purple—the yarn and the linen.3
In total, there were 29 kikars and 730 holy shekels of gold, and 100 kikars and 1775 holy shekels of silver. A beka for every head. There was half a holy shekel for everyone age 20 and up who passed the census-takers. 603,550 in all. The 100 kikars of silver were used for the holy place and the screen's sockets. One kikar per socket. 100 sockets made from 100 kikars. He made hooks for the pillars with the 1,775 shekels and covered their heads and belted them.
There were 70 kikars and 2400 shekels of copper offered. This is what he made with them:
the sockets of the entrance to the tent of Witnessing
the copper altar and its the copper grate
all the tools of the altar
the sockets all around the yard
the sockets of the gate to the yard
all the pegs of the sanctuary
the pegs all around the yard
108: In which the breastplate is made
[Exodus 39:1-39:21]
He made mesh clothing for the service in the holy place from the turquoise, crimson, and purple thread. They made Aharon some holy clothes that were just like what Yehovah commanded Moshe.4
He made the vest of gold, turquoise, crimson, and purple wool and twisted linen. They spread the gold sheets thin and cut it into strands so it could be woven into the turquoise, crimson, and purple wool and into the linen. An artist did it.5 They attached the shoulders to both sides. Attached.6 The girdle of the vest was made of gold, turquoise, crimson, and purple wool and twisted linen. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.7
They encircled the shoham stones with gold settings and engraved the names of all the sons of Yisrael on them like on a signet ring. They put them on the shoulder straps of the vest as a memorial for the sons of Yisrael. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.8
He made the breastplate.9 An artist made it. Like the vest, it was gold, turquoise, crimson, and purple wool and twisted linen.10 The breastplate was square and folded. It was a zeret long and a zeret wide, folded. They filled it with 4 rows.
The first row of stones: carnelian, topaz, and smaragd.11
The second row: carbuncle, sapphire, and emerald.
The third row: jacinth, agate, and amethyst.12
The fourth row: beryl,13 onyx, and jasper.14
The stones were set in gold and placed over the names of the sons of Yisrael. The 12 names were engraved like on a signet ring. Each had a stone over it.
They made cable-work chains out of pure gold on the edges of the breastplate. They made two gold settings and two rings on the corners of the breastplate. The two gold cables were attached to the two rings on the corners of the breastplate and to the shoulder straps on the front of the vest. They made two gold rings and put them on the two corners on the bottom inside of the breastplate. They made two other gold rings and put them on the two shoulder straps of the vest on the outside bottom, above the girdle of the vest. They used turquoise thread to tie the breastplate to the vest using its rings and the rings on the vest so it was secured over the girdle of the vest. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.15
109: In which they make a supercool robe
[Exodus 39:22-39:26]
They made the robe for the vest completely turquoise, like it was made by a weaver. The inside of the robe’s mouth was like the opening of a coat of mail. Its edges could not be torn.16 They made pomegranates of turquoise, crimson, and purple twisted wool on the hem of the robe. They made pure gold bells and put the bells inside the pomegranates all around the hem of the robe. Inside the pomegranates!17 A bell and a pomegranate, a bell and a pomegranate, all around the hems of the robe, so they could use it for the service. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
110: In which we do an outfit recap
[Exodus 39:27-39:29]
They made the shirt for Aharon and his sons from linen, the work of a weaver. An embroiderer made the linen turban, the beautiful linen bonnets,18 the twisted linen pants, and the twisted linen and turquoise, crimson, and purple wool girdle.19 Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
111: In which the holy tiara is prepared
[Exodus 39:30-39:31]
They made the holy tiara ornament out of pure gold and wrote “holy to Yehovah” on it like the engraving on a signet ring. They attached a turquoise woolen string to it so it could be put on the turban from above. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
112: In which they finish making all this crap
[Exodus 39:32-39:43]
They finished all the work of the sanctuary—the Tent of Witnessing.20 The sons of Yisrael made everything Yehovah commanded Moshe. They made it.
They brought the sanctuary to Moshe. It included21:
the tent and all its component parts:
the hooks
the beams
the rods
the pillars
the sockets
the red ram-skin cover
the dolphin-skin cover
the screen door22
the table, all its tools, and the FaceBread
the candelabra of purity and its lamps, including the lamps that require arranging, all its tools, and the oil of illumination
the gold altar
the oil of anointing
the smokey spices
the screen for the tent’s entrance
the copper altar, its copper grill, its rods, and all its tools
the sink and its pedestal23
the curtains of the yard, their beams, and their sockets
the screen to the gate to the yard, its ropes, and its pegs
the tools for the service of the Tent of Witnessing’s sanctuary
the mesh clothing for serving in the holy
Aharon the kohein’s holy clothing
the clothing for Aharon’s sons’ koheining
The sons of Yisrael followed all of Yehovah's directions when they worked. Zoop! Moshe saw all the work had been done as Yehovah commanded. That’s how it was done. Moshe blessed them.
113: In which there’s actually still a lot more
[Exodus 40:1-40:15]
“On the first day of the first month,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “Set up the sanctuary, the Tent of Witnessing.24 Put the box of witnessing in it and cover the box with the veil. Bring in the table and arrange its arrangements.25 Bring in the candelabra and light its lamps. Put the gold altar for incense in front of the box of witnessing and set up the sanctuary’s entrance screen. Put the altar for the burnt offering in front of the entrance to the Tent of Witnessing in the sanctuary.26 The sink goes between the Tent of Witnessing and the altar. Fill it with water. Put the yard around and set up the screen on the gate to the courtyard.
“Take the anointing oil and anoint the sanctuary and everything inside it.27 Sanctify it and all its tools. It will be holy.28 Anoint the altar for the burnt offering and all its tools. Once you sanctify the altar, it will be a Holy of Holies altar.29 Also, anoint the sink and its pedestal and sanctify them.
“Bring Aharon and his sons near the opening of the Tent of Witnessing and wash them with water. Dress Aharon in the holy clothes and anoint him sanctify him. He will be a kohein to me.30 Bring his sons and dress them in their shirts. Anoint them like you anointed their father and they’ll be koheins to me. Their anointing for koheining will last forever and ever.”31
114: In which we repeat everything yet another time, just in case
[Exodus 40:16-40:33]
Moshe did everything Yehovah commanded him. That’s what he did. On the first day of the first month of the second year, he set up the sanctuary.32 He made its sockets, set up its boards, put in its beams, and set up its pillars.33 He spread the tent over the sanctuary and put the cover of the tent on top of it. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.34
He put the witnessing in the box, slid the rods in place, and put the cover on top. Moshe brought the box into the sanctuary and put the screen of the cover over the box of witnessing.35 Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
He put the table in the Tent of Witnessing on the north side of the sanctuary, outside the screen. He arranged the FaceBread on it before Yehovah. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
He put the candelabra in the Tent of Witnessing right up against the table on the south side of the sanctuary. He raised the lamps before Yehovah. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.36
He put the gold altar in the Tent of Witnessing in front of the screen. He smoked up the smokey incense on it. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.37
He set up the curtain as the entrance to the sanctuary. He put the burnt offering altar by the entrance to the sanctuary, the Tent of Witnessing, and offered the burnt offering and the grain offering on it. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
He put the sink between the Tent of Witnessing and the altar and filled it with water for washing. Moshe, Aharon, and Aharon's sons washed their hands and feet with it. When they came to the Tent of Witnessing and approached the altar, they’d wash. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
He raised the yard around the sanctuary and the altar and put the curtain by the gate of the yard. That’s how Moshe finished the work.38
115: In which God’s physical manifestation literally comes to Earth
[Exodus 40:34-40:38]
A cloud covered the Tent of Witnessing as the honor of Yehovah filled the sanctuary. Moshe couldn't go in Tent of Witnessing because the cloud was chilling in it and the sanctuary was filled with Yehovah’s honor. When the cloud rose from on the sanctuary, the sons of Yisrael traveled. If it didn’t rise, they didn’t travel.39 Not until the day it rose. Because Yehovah’s cloud sat on the sanctuary by day and fire covered it at night for all to see during their journey.
Yes, this portion is called “Accounting.” Get ready for the grand finale of this book!
Moses: the world’s first Jewish accountant.
A true pre-renaissance man.
I should hope so! We’ve seen what happens when you don’t listen to Yehovah.
If all you do is build things for God, can you truly call yourself an artist?
Great. Thanks. Amazing sentence.
Project Runway? More like Project Yahway! I’ll be here all week.
All the way back in chapter who cares.
Breastplate? More like best plate!
Just like every-fricking-thing else.
Smargd sounds like a dragon from The Lord of the Rings.
There are a lot of possible translations for these stones. I picked the ones that sounded funniest to me.
That’s just an old man, that’s not a precious stone.
Again, that’s an old man.
Sheesh.
They just couldn’t. Try it.
Got it. You’re proud of that idea.
So this is the only thing that's beautiful? Nothing else was beautiful?
You couldn’t wear ANY of this after labor day.
Took them long enough.
Here we go!
That’s how they kept the bugs out.
Didn't we just do this? I'm having some serious déjà vu.
Oh Jesus Christ.
I mean, one would assume. What else would you do with the arrangements?
God: creator, savior, interior designer.
Ewwwwww.
Or just messy.
Sure.
Didn’t this already happen?
Ok, this definitely already happened. You do you, Bible.
Worst New Year's ever.
This is like that Berenstain Bears book where the dad makes a bed.
I thought Betzalel made it.
What.
Wait, who’s doing this? I just Moses!
Hell yeah.
How many times did we hear this crap? Three? FINALLY. ARE WE DONE YET?
Like a very early version of a traffic light.