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How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
1: He Called
1: In which Yehovah dives into some supergross stuff right off the bat
[Leviticus 1:1-1:17]
Yehovah called out to Moshe from the Tent of Witnessing. And this is what he said-o.
“Go tell the sons of Yisrael,” Yehovah said. “that when a dude1 brings an offering to Yehovah from the animals, cattle, or sheep, this is what he's gotta do.
"If it's an ola offering, he has to bring a pure male animal to the opening of the Tent of Witnessing before Yehovah. Then, he puts his hand on the ola’s head and transfer his sins to it.2 The young animal must be slaughtered in front of Yehovah.3 The kohein will bring the blood to Aharon's sons—the koheins—and throw it all around the altar that’s by the entrance to the Tent of Witnessing.4 They’ll skin the ola and cut it into pieces.5
"At this point, the Koheins will get a fire going on the altar and pile some wood on it. They'll arrange the animal pieces, the head, and the fat on the wood.6 They'll wash the innards and legs in water then offer it all up as an ola. That way, Yehovah will get to smell something nice.7
“If the guy brings a sheep, lamb, or goat as an ola, it's gotta be male. He’ll slaughter it on the south side of the altar before Yehovah. The koheins8 will throw its blood all over the altar and put all its pieces, except the innards and legs, on the fire. They'll wash the innards and legs in water. The kohein will smoke it all up as an ola to make a nice smell for Yehovah.
“A turtledove or young dove can also be used as an ola. The kohein will bring it to the altar, pop its head off, smoke the head on the altar, and squeeze the body so its blood sprays all over the walls. He’ll pull out its crop and innards9 and throw them in the garbage pile near the altar. Then, gently, he'll tear it apart by its wings, making sure it doesn't get torn to pieces, and smoke it on the fire. It'll make a nice smell for Yehovah.”
2: In which God has some slightly less disgusting baking directions
[Leviticus 2:1-2:16]
"Yehovah's meal offering is made of oil, frankincense, and fine flour. Bring it to the koheins. They’ll scoop out a handful of the stuff and smoke it on the altar so it makes a nice smell for Yehovah. This is a remembering portion. The leftovers will go to Aharon and his sons. A holy of holies from the fires of Yehovah.10
“If a guy wants to bake his meal-offering, he should make matzos of fine flour muddled with oil or matzo wafers with an oil schmear. If he cooks it in a pan, he's gotta mix the oil and flour real well. Like, you should crumble little pieces into it and pour oil over that.11 It’s a meal-offering.12
"If you cook the meal offering in a stew pot, use fine flour and oil. Whatever you do, bring it to Yehovah. The kohein will take it to the altar, where he'll smoke up the remembering piece so Yehovah can smell something nice. Aharon and his sons can keep the leftovers. It’s a holy of holies from Yehovah's fire-offerings.
"Don’t let any of the meal-offerings you bring to Yehovah rise. You don’t want the leaven or honey to smoke up to Yehovah.13 You can give them as first fruit offerings or whatever to Yehovah but don’t use them for the smells. Put salt on all the meal offerings. Never stop putting the salt of your covenant with Yehovah on these offerings. Put salt on all the offerings!14
“If you bring meal-offerings from your first fruit to Yehovah, use ripe ears that are burnt in fire and fresh grits as the first fruit meal offering.15 Put oil and frankincense on it. Poof! It’s a meal offering. The kohein will smoke its remembering part up—the oil and the flour and all the frankincense—and it’s a fire-offering to Yehovah.”
3: In which we learn how to butcher
[Leviticus 3:1-3:17]
"If a fella brings cattle as a peace offering, it can be male or female. Whatever it is, it can't have any blemishes! For Yehovah.
“Standing by the opening to the Tent of Witnessing, he'll put his hand on its head and slaughter it. Aharon’s sons will throw its blood all around the altar.16 Then, he’ll bring his peace offering to Yehovah, including the fat that covers the innards, all the other fats that's just kinda hanging out in there, the kidneys (those are near the loins) and the fat on them, and the lobe above the liver, which he should take out with the kidneys.17 Aharon’s sons will smoke it up on the altar over the ola that’s already there. The fire makes a nice smell for Yehovah.
“If he brings a sheep as his peace offering, whether it’s a boy or a girl, it’s gotta be pure.18 If he brings a lamb, he’ll bring it before Yehovah. Then he’ll put his hand on its head and slaughter it in front of Tent of Witnessing. Aharon’s sons will throw its blood all over the altar. He’ll bring this peace offering sacrifice as a fire offering to Yehovah.19 He’ll take its fat, its fat tail (ripped out near the rump), the fat covering the innards, all the other innards fat, the two kidneys (near the loins), the fat on them, and the lobe on the liver, torn out by the kidneys.
“The kohein will smoke it up on the altar. It’s a fire offering of food for Yehovah.
“If he's offering a goat, he’ll bring it in front of Yehovah, put his hands on its head, and slaughter it in front of the Tent of Witnessing. Aharon’s sons will throw all its blood all over the altar.20 He’ll make it a fire offering to Yehovah—the fat covering the innards, the other innards fat, the two kidneys (near the loins), the fat that’s on them, and the lobe on the liver, which he'll take out near the kidneys. The kohein will smoke it all up on the altar. It’ll be a firey bread making a nice smell for Yehovah.
“All the fat is for Yehovah.21
"This is an eternal decree for generations, anywhere you settle! You cannot eat fat or blood.”22
4: In which we find out that God's punishment for misbehavior involves smoked meat
[Leviticus 4:1-4:12]
“Tell the sons of Yisrael,” Yehovah said to Moshe. “that if anyone does one of the things Yehovah says is forbidden, or if the anointed kohein shames the nation by sinning, he must bring a pure young bull to Yehovah, to the opening of the Tent of Witnessing, as his sin offering. He'll put his hands on its head and slaughter it. Then, he'll bring its blood into the Tent of Witnessing. He’ll dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle it on the screen to the Holy seven times. Then, he’ll wipe some blood on the horns of the sweet incense altar and pour the blood on the base of the normal altar.23
“‘He should pull out all the fat from the sin bull—all the fat covering the innards, the other innards fat, the two kidneys (they're near the loins, by the way), the fat that’s on them, and the lobe over the liver by ripping it out near the kidneys. The kohein should take it out the same way it’s taken out of the ox used for the peace offering and smoke it up on the ola altar.
“‘Take the bull’s skin, its meat, its head, its feet, its innards, its poop—pretty much the whole bull—out of the camp and burn it on the trash pile.’”24
5: In which we learn how to repent for secret sins (hint: it involves burning a dead animal)
[Leviticus 4:13-4:21]
“‘If anyone from the phalanx of Yisrael makes a secret mistake, or they did one of the things Yehovah commanded them not to do, the congregation must bring a young bull to the Tent of Witnessing when they find out.25
“‘The elders of the phalanx will put their hands on the bull’s head and slaughter it before Yehovah. The anointed kohein will bring its blood into the Tent of Witnessing, dip his finger in it, and sprinkle it seven times on the screen. He’ll put the blood on the horns of the altar and pour it all on the base of the ola altar. He’ll pull all its fat out of it and smoke it up on the altar. Just like he did with the bull for the sin offering.26
"The kohein will atone for the people and forgive them. Then, he’ll take the bull out of the camp and burn it like he burned the first bull. It is the congregation’s transgression.’”27
6: In which we learn about presidential pardons and their relationship to animal blood
[Leviticus 4:22-4:26]
“‘If the president accidentally does one of the things Yehovah, his Elohim, specifically forbade, he’s guilty.28 When he realizes what he’s done, he has to bring a pure male goat offering. He’ll put his hands on its head and slaughter it in the place where the ola is slaughtered. It’s a sin offering. The kohein will take some of the blood with his finger and put it on the horns of the ola altar. He'll spill the blood on the base of the altar. He’ll smoke up all its fat on the altar like the fat of the peace offerings. The kohein will atone for him, for his sins, and will be forgiven for him.’”29
7: In which, surprisingly, another kind of sinning also requires killing animals
[Leviticus 4:27-4:31]
“‘If there's a soul from the nation who accidentally does one of the things Yehovah specifically commanded them not to and he’s guilty, he must bring a pure female goat as his offering when he realizes he's sinned.30 He’ll put his hand on its head and slaughter it in the ola place. The kohein will take its blood with his finger and put it on the horns of the ola altar. Then, he'll spill the rest of the blood on the base of the altar. He’ll take out all her fat like he took out the fat from the peace offering and smoke it up on the altar to make a nice smell for Yehovah. The kohein will atone and be forgiven for him.’”
8: In which we discuss alternate animals one can kill
[Leviticus 4:32-4:35]
“‘If he brings a sheep for the sin offering, it must be a pure female. He’ll put his hand on its head and slaughter her as the sin offering in the place where the ola is slaughtered.31 The kohein will take the sin offering blood with his finger and put it on the horns of the ola altar. He’ll spill the rest on the base of the altar. He'll take all its fat out like he took out the fat for the sheep used for the peace offering. The kohein will smoke them on the altar on the fires of Yehovah. He’ll make atonement on the sin offering that sinned and he’ll be forgiven for him.’”
9: In which a whole slew of vague sins also require one wantonly kill an animal
[Leviticus 5:1-5:13]
“If someone screws up, like, he heard a voice, saw something, or knows but doesn’t say something, he carries his guilt.32 Or, if he touches something yucky, like a dead wild or domestic yucky animal or a yucky dead bug, or he got yucky from a person who was yucky in one of the ways you get yucky, and then he forgot he was yucky, but then he realizes he's guilty, or if someone forgot about something he swore to, whether it's bad or good, and then he remembers, he's guilty.33
“If he does any of these things, he must confess and bring his guilt to Yehovah as a female sheep or goat sin offering The kohein will atone for what he did.
“‘If he can't get a sheep, he can use two turtledoves or normal doves. One is the sin offering and the other is the ola. First, he’ll bring the sin offering one to the kohein and pinch its head off without splitting it. Then, he’ll squeeze its blood out onto the wall of the altar. Whatever blood’s left goes on the base of the altar. This is a sin offering. The second will be made following the ola rules. The kohein will atone over the dead birds and forgive for him.
“‘If he can’t get two turtledoves or even two regular doves, he can bring one-tenth an epha of flour for his transgression. Since it's a sin offering, don’t put oil or frankincense on it.34 He’ll bring it to the kohein, who will scoop out a handful as a remembrance and smoke it up on the altar on the fires of Yehovah. It’s a sin offering. The kohein will atone for his transgression and he’ll be forgiven. It’ll be an offering for the kohein.’”
10: In which the punishment for taking God's stuff involves, you guessed it, killing animals
[Leviticus 5:14-5:16]
“If a person screws up by accidently taking something that's holy to Yehovah,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “he must take a pure ram worth at least two holy shekels from the flock to Yehovah as his guilt. If he sinned, he must reimburse one-fifth more than it's worth and give it to the kohein. The kohein will atone for it with the ram and forgive him.”35
11: In which there's another way to sin that sounds a lot like the other ways to sin
[Leviticus 5:17-5:19]
“If a soul sins and does one of the things Yehovah commanded you not to do and doesn’t realize, he bears his guilt and carries his iniquity.36 He must bring a pure ram or something of equal value to the kohein. The kohein will atone on the ram for the accidental sin. He’ll forgive for him. It’s a guilt. A guilt to Yehovah.”
12: In which people do some mean things
[Leviticus 5:20-5:26]
“If a soul transgresses,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “and does some bad stuff against Yehovah, like deceiving his neighbor with a deposit, hand stuff,37 theft, swindling, finding something lost and lying about it, or swearing falsely, on any of these, from all the things people do, he must return the theft he thieved, the swindle he swindled, the deposit he deposited, the lost thing he found, or anything he swore falsely on. He has to reimburse it with a fifth extra to the person he didn’t give it to on the day he was found guilty.”38
“He’ll bring his guilt to Yehovah as a pure ram from the sheep or the equal value as a guilt offering to the kohein. The kohein will atone on him before Yehovah and forgive him for his guilt.
The word used here is “adam,” for male, not “ish,” can sometimes be a stand-in for any person, so specifically male for some reason.
Very spooky.
So...anywhere.
You might have some idea that Leviticus is laws of purity and yelling about gay stuff, but it’s mostly blood stuff for a really long time, so strap yourself in.
This is literally a slaughterhouse.
And then, open a deli!
Yes, folks, this is all just about smells. Nice smells for God.
We know by now.
The “crop” of a bird is a small pouch in its digestive system near its esophagus that serves as a temporary storage location for food. Yum!
Sure.
That doesn't sound mixed at all!
So, um, now the Bible has turned into a kinda lame cookbook. And will continue to be that for a while.
It ruins the smell.
God likes salt.
I guess not corn but ok!
So peaceful.
Got all that? I hope you’re not taking notes, because it’s NOT ALLOWED!
Well, of course.
Ok, I’m losing the plot a bit here.
Didn’t expect things to get so grisly, did ya?
This whole book has been leading up to God choosing which parts he gets to eat at a BBQ.
Well, that came out of nowhere. But I'm pretty sure Jews eat fat.
Fun times.
What a BBQ tease!
And they will. You think your mother's rumor mill is bad? Imagine if she lived within earshot of literally all her relatives.
Thank God we didn't list all those organs again. Literally, thank God, the character who's currently speaking.
So much wasted meat!
No presidential immunity! It’s in the Bible!
I’m just…I don’t even know what to add at this point. It’s just the same gross stuff again and again.
Obviously the trick is to never realize you’ve sinned.
Hey, at least this section is slightly different.
See something, say something.
Got all that?
Well, of course.
Oh my god can we just have a blanket statement at this point?
On a card!
This means a business deal somehow? I dunno. Feels like the meaning of “hand stuff” has shifted over time.
And that concludes our chapter on civil disputes. That’s all the law we need. But it’s not all the law we get.