Laws, laws, laws!
That’s all we got! And some people get dresssed!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
2: Command
13: In which Aharon has to take out the trash
[Leviticus 6:1-6:6]
“Command all of this to Aharon and his sons,” Yehovah said to Moshe. “First, the law of the ola! The ola sits on the firewood on the altar all night so it can fuel the fire. The kohein should put his linen clothes on, including the pants he wears over his man meat, and dump the ashes. Then he’ll take off those clothes and put on different ones to take the ashes out of the camp to the clean place.1
"The fire on the altar should be lit constantly. Every single morning, the kohein should set fire to the wood to smoke up the peace offering fat. There should always be a fire burning on the altar. It must not go out.”2
14: In which we go over some more rules
[Leviticus 6:7-6:11]
“These are the meal offering rules.3 Aharon's sons will bring it to Yehovah in front of the altar. He’ll take a handful of the meal-offering wheat, some of the oil, and all the frankincense. Then, he'll smoke it on the altar to make a nice smell as a remembrance to Yehovah. Aharon and his sons will eat the leftover matzo in the holy place in the courtyard of the Tent of Witnessing. They cannot bake leavened bread.
“I’ve given them a portion of the fire offering, like I did with the sin-offering and the guilt-offering. It’s the holiest of holies. All of Aharon's sons will eat it. This is a decree for generations forever from Yehovah's fire offerings.. Anything that touches it will become holy.”
15: In which there is another recipe
[Leviticus 6:12-6:16]
“Aharon and his sons will bring the offering I'm about to describe to Yehovah on the day you anoint him,” Yehovah said to Moshe. “Take one tenth an epha of meal-offering wheat, half of it in the morning and half in the evening, forever. Fry it in an oiled pan until crispy.4 Break it into pieces as a meal-offering. It'll make a nice smell for Yehovah. The kohein anointed to succeed Aharon will make it in the future. This is an eternal decree to Yehovah. It all must be burned. Most of every meal-offering from a kohein must be burnt and not eaten.”
16: In which there's another offering
[Leviticus 6:17-6:23]
“Tell Aharon and his sons about the law of the sin-offering,” Yehovah said to Moshe.5 “Slaughter the sin-offering before Yehovah in the same place you slaughter the ola. I call it 'The Holy of Holies.' The kohein who slaughtered it can eat it in the holy place in the courtyard of the Tent of Witnessing. Anything that touches its flesh becomes holy. If its blood stains any clothing, clean it in a holy place.6 You must break any earthenware vessel it was soaked in. If it was in a copper vessel, it must be boiled and rinsed with water.7 Any male kohein can eat it. It’s a holy of holies.
“Any sin offering whose blood is brought into the Tent of Witnessing the holy cannot be eaten. It must be burned in fire.”8
17: In which we learn about shame
[Leviticus 7:1-7:10]
“This is the rule of the shame offering: it is holy as fuck. Slaughter the shame offering in the same place you slaughter the ola. Throw its blood all over the altar.9 Offer all its fat, the fat tail, and the fat that covers its innards, the two kidneys (they're near the loins), the fat on them, and the lobe that’s on the liver, on the kidneys. They all must be taken out. The kohein will smoke it up on the altar to Yehvoah. It’s a guilt offering.
“Every boy kohein will eat it in the holy place. It’s so holy. The guilt offering has the same rules as the sin offering. It’ll belong to the kohein who atones with it. The kohein who brings someone’s ola also gets to keep its skin.10 The kohein who brings any meal offering baked in an oven, made in a pan, or cooked on a griddle, gets to keep the leftovers.11 Aharon’s sons can keep any meal offering, whether dry or muddled with oil.”
18: In which Yehovah teaches us about peace
[Leviticus 7:11-7:21]
“These are the rules of the peace offerings you’ll bring to Yehovah. If you bring one for thanks, it should be brought with loaves of matzo mixed with oil, flat matzos soaked with oil, and loaves of mixed oil with boiled flour. Bring the thank you peace offering on loaves of unleavened bread. Also, bring one of each kind of sacrifice as a tribute to Yehovah. The kohein who throws the peace offering blood gets to keep it.12 He’ll eat the meat of the thank you peace offering on the day it’s given. He won’t leave anything for morning.
“If he’s offering his sacrifice as a vow or pledge, it must be eaten the same day it's brought. Whatever’s left the day after can be eaten. On the third day, all the leftovers must be burnt.13 If he eats any of the meat on the third day, it is not accepted. It is gross and the soul that ate it will carry his shame.14
“Any meat that touches something yucky cannot be eaten. It must be burnt in fire. Anyone pure can eat the meat. If someone yucky eats the peace offering meat reserved for Yehovah, his soul is cut off from his nation. If a soul touches any kind of yuckiness, a yucky person, animal, or gross yucky thing and then ate meat from the peace offering to Yehovah, his soul is cut off from his nation.”
19: In which God tries to keep folks skinny
[Leviticus 7:22-7:25]
“Go tell the sons of Yisrael,” Yehovah said to Moshe,15 “don’t eat the fat of the ox, sheep, or goat. You can use the fat from something that got torn apart or died on its own, but you can’t eat it. Anyone who eats the fat of an animal that’s been offered by fire to Yehovah will have his soul cut off from his nation.”
20: In which Yehovah freaks out about blood
[Leviticus 7:26-7:27]
“Wherever you live, don't eat any animal or bird blood. The soul of anyone who eats blood is cut off from his nation.”
21: In which we finish up these offerings
[Leviticus 7:28-7:38]
“Tell the sons of Yisrael,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “Anyone who brings a peace offering to Yehovah must bring Yehovah’s fire offering and the fat on the breast with his own hands so the breast can be waved as a waving before Yehovah. The kohein will smoke up the fat on the altar. Aharon and his sons will keep the breast. The right thigh will be given as a tribute to the kohein.16 The son of Aharon who brings the blood and the fat of the peace offerings gets to keep the right thigh.
“Here's an eternal decree for you suckers: I’ve taken the waving breast and the tribute thigh from the sons of Yisrael as peace offerings and given them to Aharon the kohein and his sons.
"And that is the anointment of Aharon and his sons from the fire-offerings of Yehovah on the day they’re brought to the Yehovah's kohein. It is an eternal decree for generations.17
“Those were the rules of the ola, the meal offering, the shame offering, the consecration offering, and the peace offering that Yehovah commanded Moshe at Mount Sinai on the day he commanded the sons of Yisrael to bring their offerings to Yehovah in the desert of Sinai.”
22: In which it's Coronation Day!
[Leviticus 8:1-8:36]
“Take Aharon, his sons, the clothes, the anointing oil, the sin offering bull, the two rams, the basket of matzos, and the whole phalanx of the nation to entrance to the Tent of Witnessing," Yehovah said to Moshe.
Moshe gathered everyone at the entrance to the Tent of Witnessing.
“This is what Yehovah has commanded me to do!” Moshe told them all.18
Moshe brought Aharon and his sons forward and cleaned them with water.19 Moshe put the shirt on his brother, girded him with the girdle, dressed him with the robe, put the vest on him, and tightened it with the strap. He put the breastplate on him and put the urim and tumim on the breastplate. He put the turban on his head and put the golden plate on the front of turban. Finally, Moshe put the holy tiara on top. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
Moshe took the anointing oil and anointed the sanctuary and everything in it, making it all holy.20 He sprinkled some of it on the altar seven times and anointed the altar, all its tools, the sink, and its base, making them holy. He poured the anointing oil on Aharon’s head and anointed him to holiness.
Moshe brought Aharon’s sons close and dressed them in shirts, girded them with girdles, and tied hats to their heads. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
He approached the bull for the sin offering. Aharon and his sons put their hands on its head. It was slaughtered. Moshe took its blood and, with his finger, put it on the horns of the altar, all around, cleaning the altar.21 He poured the blood on the base of the altar, making it holy and atonement-ready. He took all the fat on its innards, the lobe on the liver, the two kidneys and their fat and Moshe smoked it up on the altar. The bull, its skin, its meat, and its shit were burnt in fire outside the camp. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
Aharon brought the ram for the ola.22 Aharon and his sons put their hands on its head. It was slaughtered. Moshe threw its blood all around the altar. The ram was cut into pieces. Moshe smoked up its head, its pieces, and the fats. He cleaned the innards and the legs in water. Moshe smoked up the entire ram on the altar. It was an ola and made a nice smell for Yehovah. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
The brought the second ram, the consecration ram. Aharon and his sons put their hands on it. He slaughtered it. Moshe took the blood and put it on Aharon’s right ear, his right thumb, and the big toe of his right foot. Moshe threw the blood all around the altar. He took the ram’s fat, its fat tail, all the fat on its innards, the lobe of the liver, the two kidneys, the fat on them, and the right thigh. He took a loaf of matzo, a loaf of oil bread, and a wafer from the basket of matzos that was in front of Yehovah and put them on the fat on the right thigh. He put it all on Aharon and his son's hands. He waved them as a waving before Yehovah.23 Moshe took it all from their hands and smoked them up on the ola altar. They made a nice smelling consecration fire-offering to Yehovah.
Moshe took the breast from the consecration ram and waved a waving before Yehovah. That was his piece of the ram. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
Moshe sprinkled some of the anointing oil and the blood on Aharon, his sons, and their clothing, making them and their clothes holy.24
“Cook the meat near the opening of the Tent of Witnessing,” Moshe said to Aharon and his sons, “and eat it there with the bread in the consecration basket like I commanded when I said, ‘Aharon and his sons will eat it.’25 Burn the leftovers. Don’t leave the opening of the Tent of Witnessing until the days of consecration are finished. That's seven days. You will fill your hands for even days.
“Yehovah commanded everything that’s happened today so that you can atone. Stay by the opening to the Tent of Witnessing day and night for seven days. Guard over Yehovah's watch. Don’t die.26 That’s what I’ve been commanded.”
Aharon and his sons did all the things Yehovah commanded by Moshe’s hand.
God invented changing your clothes to do dirty work.
God help you if it goes out.
Oh you thought we were done with rules about offerings? Buddy, we’re just getting started.
So many ways to interpret this! There’s “fried” (Targum Yonatan), “prepared quickly” (Ibn Ezra), “soft” (Rashbam), “well mixed” or “broken up” (Ibn Janach) “well kneaded” (Septuagint) “soaked.” Isn’t that fun?
Oh, go tell them yourself. You’re omniscient, aren’t you? Go to them in a dream or something.
Like the laundromat with the good machines.
We're getting a little off track here. Though, to be fair, I have no idea what the track is.
For the smell, I’m assuming.
Extremely holy!
Weird.
Check the utensils.
Yay! Blood!
That's what they do with my office fridge once a month.
And start ANOTHER cycle of sacrifices.
After you finish the rest of Leviticus.
Lucky.
Make sure whenever you get an animal to bring the breast and thigh to your local kohein.
“So please don't blame me for what's about to happen!"
That’s what happens when you don’t take a bath!
I guess “oily” was a synonym for “greasy” back in the day.
That’s the opposite of cleaning.
Maybe. In the original Hebrew, the pronoun here is mysterious, because that's the way God works.
Didn't anyone ever tell them not to pray with their food?
Can’t wash that!
"Eat something! I command you!"
Good advice for anyone, really.