Food, glorious food!
Ever wonder what you’re allowed to eat? You’re about to find out!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
3: Eighth
23: In which Aharon gets cookin'
[Leviticus 9:1-9:24]
On the eighth day, Moshe called to Aharon, his sons, and the elders of Yisrael.
“Take a pure young bull! For a sin offering!” Moshe said. “Take a pure ram! For an ola! Offer them to Yehovah. Tell the sons of Yisrael to bring a male goat for a sin offering, a pure calf and lamb for the ola, an ox and ram for the peace offering, and a meal offering mixed up with oil. Sacrifice it all to Yehovah. Yehovah's making an appearance today!”1
They brought all that stuff to the front of the Witnessing Tent. Everyone huddled together, standing in front of Yehovah.
“OK! Yehovah has some things for you to do before he shows up,” Moshe said.
“Come up to the altar,” Moshe said to Aharon.2 "Make the sin and ola offerings, repent for yourself and for the nation, make the sacrifice for the nation, yadda yadda yadda, and atone for them. Just like Yehovah commanded.”
Aharon stepped up and slaughtered the sin offering. His sons brought him the blood and he dipped his finger in it and put it on the altar's horns. He poured the blood on the base of the alter. Aharon smoked the sin offering's fat, kidneys, and the lobe above the liver on the altar. Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
He burned the meat and the skin in a fire outside the camp.3
He slaughtered the ola. Aharon’s sons brought the blood to him and he threw it all around the altar. They delivered the ola to him in pieces and he smoked it up on the altar. He cleaned the innards and the legs and smoked them on top of the ola.
They brought the nation's sin offering goat. He slaughtered it and offered it the way he did the first one.
They brought the ola and prepared it according to the rules.
Next, the meal offering. Aharon filled his hands with it and burnt it up on the altar next to the morning’s ola.
For the nation's peace offering, he slaughtered the ox and the ram. Aharon’s sons brought him the blood and he threw it all around the altar. He put all the different kinds of fats—the fat from the ox and the ram, the tail, the covering, the kidneys, and the lobe on the liver—on the breasts and smoked them up on the altar.
Aharon waved the breasts and the right thigh before Yehovah. Just like Moshe commanded. Aharon raised his hands over the nation and blessed them.4 He came down5 from making the sin offering, the ola, and the peace offering.
Moshe and Aharon came to the Tent of Witnessing and went out and blessed the nation. The entire nation could see the glory of Yehovah.6 Fire blasted out from Yehovah and consumed the ola and the fats on the altar. Everyone saw. They shouted and fell on their faces.7
24: In which Aharon's sons make a silly mistake
[Leviticus 10:1-10:7]
Nadav and Avihu, Aharon’s sons, each lit their censers and burned incense. They brought Yehovah weird fire, a kind Yehovah hadn’t asked for.
A burst of flame erupted and burnt them to a crisp.
They died.8
“This is what Yehovah meant,” Moshe said to Aharon, “when he said ‘I’ll be made holy by those close to me and my glory will be on the face of the whole nation.’”9
Aharon didn't say anything.10
Moshe called Mishael and Eltzaphan, sons of Uziel, Aharon’s uncle.
“Get over here," he said to them, "and carry your brothers out of camp."
From in front of the holy, they dragged their brothers to outside the camp. Just like Moshe said.
“Don’t lose your minds or rip your clothes,” Moshe said to Aharon, Elazar, Itamar, and sons. "We don't want you to die too. And we definitely don't want Yehovah freaking out on the people.11 Let all of Yisrael cry over Yehovah burning your brothers. Don’t leave the entrance to the Tent of Witnessing. Or you’ll die. Yehovah’s anointing oil is on you.”
They did what Moshe said.
25: In which God goes full madman
[Leviticus 10:8-10:11]
“When you," Yehovah said to Aharon, "or any of the sons you have left go into the Tent of Witnessing, don’t drink wine or booze. That way, I won't kill you.12 This is an eternal decree for generations and so you can tell the difference between what's holy and what's normal, what's yucky and what's clean, and so you can teach the sons of Yisrael all the rules Yehovah, their Elohim, told to them through Moshe."
26: In which Moshe gets back to the all-important eating rules
[Leviticus 10:12-10:20]
“Take the leftover meal offering from Yehovah’s fire offerings,” Moshe said to Aharon and Elazar and Itamar, the sons Aharon had left,13 “and eat matzos next to the altar. It’s extra holy. Eat them in a holy place because it’s the portion from Yehovah's fire offerings for you and your sons. This is what I’ve been commanded.
“You, your sons, and your daughters: eat the waving breast and the tribute leg in a clean place.14 These are your portions of the sons of Yisrael’s peace offerings.
“Put the tribute leg and the wavy breast on top of the fire offering of fats to do a waving before Yehovah.15 According to an eternal decree, they will belong to you and your sons.16 Just like Yehovah commanded.”
Moshe asked about the sin offering goat. It was burnt! He got pissed at Elazar and Itamar, Aharon’s remaining sons.17
“Why didn’t you eat the sin offering in the holy place?” he asked. “It’s very holy! And it was given to you to carry the people's guilt and atone for them before Yehovah! You haven’t brought its blood inside the holy! Eat it in the holy like I commanded!”
“We brought the sin offering and the ola before Yehovah today,” Aharon said to Moshe, “and look what happened to me. Would Yehovah have wanted me to eat the sin-offering today?”
Moshe heard.
He was ok with it.
27: In which the Jews find out they can't eat bacon egg and cheese sandwiches
[Leviticus 11:1-11:47]
“Tells the sons of Yisrael,” Yehovah said to Aharon and Moshe,18 “they can eat any animal that really has a hoof and the hoof is split and also it chews its cud.19
“They can’t eat anything that only does one or the other, like the following animals:
the camel – it chews its cud but has no split hooves
the hyrax – it chews its cud but has no split hooves20
the rabbit – it chews its cud but has no split hooves21
the pig – its hooves are split, but it doesn’t chew its cud
Don’t eat their meat or touch their bodies, they’re yucky.
“You can eat anything that has fins and scales in the waters, seas, and rivers.22 You can eat those.
“Anything that doesn’t have fins or scales in the seas or the rivers, like the gross things or all the living things in the water, is considered disgusting. You can’t eat their meat and you should be grossed out by their bodies.23 Anything that doesn't have fins and scales in the water is gross.
“This is what should be gross to you from the birds. They are gross.
Eagle
Bearded vulture24
Osprey
Kite
All kind of vultures
All kinds of ravens25
Ostrich
Owl26
Gull
All kinds of hawks
Falcon
Cormorant27
Ibis
Swan
Pelican
Magpie
Stork
Any kind of heron
Hoopoe28
Bat
Any bird that swarms and walks on all fours is gross. But you can eat a flying thing that swarms and goes on all fours if it has knees above its legs so it can jump on the ground. That means you can eat all kinds of locusts, yellow locusts, spotted grey locusts, and white locusts.29 All other flying things that swarm and walk on four legs are gross.30
“They’ll also get you yucky. If you touch their bodies, you’re yucky until night. And if you carry their body, you have to clean your clothes and be yucky until night.31 An animal that splits its hooves but doesn’t have cloven feet or chew its cud is yucky to you and if you touch it you get yucky. Animals that have four legs and walk on their paws are yucky. If you touch them you’re yucky until night. If you carry their body, you have to wash your clothes and you’re yucky until night.
“These are the yucky creepy crawly things on the ground:
Those are swarming creatures you can't have. Anyone who touches them is yucky until the night. Anything that touches them while they’re dead is yucky. Put a wood tool, clothing, leather, sack, or any tool that you do work with in water and it’s yucky until night, when it’ll become clean. If it falls into something earthenware, anything inside of it is yucky and you should break the vessel.38 Any edible food in it that water gets on is yucky. Any drink in any vessel is yucky. Anything that touches its body, including an oven or range, is yucky and must be broken into pieces. It will be yucky to you.
"But a mikvah made from a spring or a pit stays clean. Anyone who touched the body is yucky. If the body falls on planted seeds, they stay clean. But if the seeds were wet when the body fell on them, they’re yucky.
“If an animal you can eat dies, anyone that touches it is yucky until night. Anyone who eats it or carries it must wash their clothes and is yucky until the night.
“Any swarming thing that crawls on the ground is disgusting. Don’t eat it. Anything that goes on its belly, or on all fours, or on a whole bunch of feet, and all the things that crawl on the ground, don’t eat them. They’re gross.
“Don’t make your souls gross with squirming things. Don’t make yourself yucky with them.
“Because I am Yehovah, you Elohim. Make yourselves holy and be holy, because I’m holy.39 Don’t make your souls yucky with swarming things that crawl on the ground because I am Yehovah, who raised you out of Mitzrayim so I could be your Elohim.40 You’ll be holy because I’m holy.41
“This is the torah of animals, birds, all living things in water, and all living things that swarm on the ground, to separate between the yucky and the clean, between the animals you can eat and the animals you shouldn’t eat.”
Finally!
“I’d tell you to wear some clothing you don’t care about, but you’re already dressed in that fancy God garb.”
It’s a shame the people don’t get to smell that delicious tasty smell!
Talk about live long and prosper.
Coming down from trip.
SEEING GOD!
Because it was terrifying.
In case you were wondering.
Um.
Because he realized his brother had gone fucking bananas.
Abusive parent.
Good to know.
This narrator is a dick.
It’s usually a good idea to eat in a clean place.
Get it nice and oily.
Not that eternal.
I really hope they don’t also die
Oh, NOW he talks to both of them.
OK, chill out, God.
This is translated as…daman? Rock badger? Early English translations didn't really know what this animal was. The hyrax is a weird choice, even though it seems correct, because it doesn't actually chew its cud.
Rabbits don't chew their cud either. If you bring this up to a Biblical apologists, they'll go on a long diatribe about how this is true but they do something that's kinda like chewing cud so the Bible really was written by God after all!
Anything that has fins on land, don't eat it. That's just a hilarious mistake of biology.
Not that hard to do. Lobsters are pretty freaky.
Or an ossrifage, apparently.
That includes the ones in Baltimore and the poem. Don’t eat Lamar Jackson. Whatever he might tell you, he's not kosher or elite.
Why yes, these verses are just lists of birds. How could you tell?
I think that’s actually a real estate company.
You can't tell if I'm making these animals up or not, can you?
Can also be translated as! Locusts, bald locusts, crickets, and grasshopper. Traditional Jewish food ain't just lox and pastrami.
Personally, I think locusts are pretty gross too.
Good advice for handling livestock in general. Stay clean!
Also mole.
Also "all kinds of lizards."
Also: gecko.
Also: land crocodile.
Also: sand lizard.
Also: chameleon.
I don’t really need God to tell me that if I dead rat falls into my cereal bowl, I’m going to throw away the cereal, break the bowl into pieces, and burn it in fire.
Solid logic.
He's basically saying "I didn’t take you out of Egypt so you could friggin’ eat worms."
I like God’s self-help book: You’re Holy, I’m Holy.