Week 27: Birth & Skin Dude
In which a very confusing disease is introduced
It’s a double portion!
Pesach made the calendar all screwy so this week’s email is twice as long. Enjoy!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
4: Birth
28: In which the Bible mandates maternity leave
[Leviticus 12:1-12:8]
“Tell the sons of Yisrael,” Yehovah said, “that if a woman gives birth to a man-child,1 she’s yucky for seven days,2 the same length as her menstruation. On the eighth day, cut his damn foreskin off. She must stay in the purifying blood3 and not touch anything holy or go into the sanctuary for 30 days, until her purification ends.
“If she spits a woman-child out of her cooch, she’ll be yucky for 2 weeks, like her menses, and she’ll sit in her purifying blood for 66 days.4 When her purification days end, she must bring a one-year-old lamb as an ola, and a young dove or turtle-dove as a sin offering5 to the priest at the opening of the Tent of Witnessing.
“The priest will offer it to Yehovah to atone for her6 so she can be clean of her blood fountain.7
"These are the baby rules.
“If she can’t find a lamb, she can take two turtledoves8 or young doves, one for the ola and one for the sin-offering.9 The kohein will atone for her and make her clean.”
29: In which we discuss a mysterious skin malady for way too long
[Leviticus 13:1-13:46]
“If a man has a swelling, a scab, or a bright spot from the tzara’at plague somewhere on his body,” Yehovah said to Moshe,10 “he should have Aharon the kohein or one of his sons take a look at it.11 If the hair in the plague has turned white and it looks deeper than the rest of his skin, it’s totally tzara’at. The kohein will declare him yucky.12
“If there’s a bright white spot that isn't deeper than the skin and the hair hasn’t turned white, the kohein will quarantine him for seven days. On the seventh day, the kohein will examine him again. If the plague looks the same but hasn’t spread on the skin, he’ll quarantine him for another seven days.
“The kohein will examine him a second time on the seventh day. If the plague is dimmer and hasn’t spread on the skin, the kohein will declare him clean. It’s just a scab. He’ll wash his clothes and be clean.13
“But if, after the kohein declares him clean, the scab spread all over his skin, he has to show it to the kohein again. When the kohein confirms scab really did spread on the skin, he will be declared yucky. It’s tzara’at!
“When a man has the tzara’at plague, he’ll be brought to the kohein.14 The kohein will examine it. If there’s a white rising on the skin that's turned hair white and also some flesh raw, it’s an old tzara’at. The kohein will declare him yucky but won’t quarantine him. He’s yucky.
“If the tzara’at flowers all over his skin, making it the only thing visible, the kohein will check to see if it's really covered all the skin. Since his entire body has turned white, the kohein will declare him clean.15
“But as soon as normal skin shows up, he’s yucky. The kohein will examine the living flesh and declare him yucky. The normal skin is yucky. It is tzara’at. But if the normal skin goes back to being white, he’ll come to the kohein, who’ll examine him and see the skin turned white. The kohein will declare his plague clean. He is clean!16
“When he has a boil on his skin and it heals, but there’s a white rising where the boil was, or a bright, reddish-white spot, he should show it to a kohein.17 Upon further examination, if it looks lower than the skin and the hair has turned white, the kohein will declare him yucky with a breakout of tzara'at boils.
“But if there’s no white hair when the kohein looks at it and it’s not lower than the skin and is dim, the kohein will quarantine him for seven days. If it spread all over the skin, the kohein will declare him yucky. It’s a plague.
“If it stays in place and doesn’t spread, it’s the boil’s scar. The kohein will declare him clean.
“If someone gets burnt and afterwards, the raw skin becomes a bright spot that’s reddish-white or white, and the kohein sees the hair has turned white in the bright spot, and it looks deeper than the skin, it’s tzara’at that has erupted after a burn.18 The kohein shall declare him yucky. It’s tzara’at.19
“But if there’s no white hair in the bright spot when the kohein examines it and it’s not lower than the skin, but dim, the kohein will quarantine him for seven days. On the seventh day, he’ll examine him. If it’s spread on the skin, the kohein will declare him yucky. It is the plague of tzara’at.
“If the bright spot stays in one place, doesn’t spread on the skin, and is dim, it's just a swelling from the burn. The kohein shall declare him clean. It’s the scar of the burning.
“If a man or a woman has the plague on their head or beard,20 the kohein will examine the plague. Shasta! If the plague is deeper than the skin, and there’s thin yellow hair in it, the kohein will declare him yucky. It is a scall. It is tzara’at of the head or beard.
“If the kohein examines the scall and it’s not deeper than the skin, and there’s no black hair in it,21 the kohein will quarantine him for seven days. Then, on the seventh day, the kohein will examine him. If the scall hasn’t spread, there’s no yellow hair, and the scall doesn’t look deeper than the skin, he must be shaved, all but the scall. The kohein will quarantine the scall-haver for another seven days.
“The kohein will examine the scall on the seventh day. Kerplunk! The scall hasn’t spread and doesn’t look deeper than the skin. The kohein will declare him clean. He’ll wash his clothes and be clean.
“But if the scall spread on his skin after he’s been purified, the kohein will examine him and if he sees the scall has spread on the skin, he won’t look for the yellow hair. He is yucky.
"But if he thinks the scall has stayed in place and there is black hair growing there, the scall has been healed. He’s clean! The kohein will declare him clean.
“If a man or a woman has bright spots on their skin, even white ones! The kohein will examine it, and SHAKA-KAHN! There really are bright spots on their skin! Dull white ones! It’s just a tetter flowering on their skin. They are clean.
“If a man’s hair has been plucked out—he’s bald—he’s still clean. If the hair from just the front is plucked, he’s front bald, and is still clean.22
“But if there’s a reddish-white plague on the bald or the front-bald head, that’s tzara’at bursting outta his head.23 The kohein will examine it and if the swelling of the plague is reddish white on his bald or front-bald head, it looks like tzara’at on the skin of his meat. He is a tzaru’a. He is yucky. The kohein will declare him yucky. He’s got a plague in his head.24
“The tzaru’a who has the plague: rip up his clothes, loosen his hair,25 and cover his upper lip.26 He must cry out: ‘YUCKY! YUCKY!’
“He’s yucky as long as he has the plague. He has to live alone, outside the camp.
30: In which the skin disease attacks clothing somehow
[Leviticus 13:47-13:59]
“When wool or linen clothing has the tzara’at plague in it, in the warp or woof, whether it’s wool, linen, leather, or anything made of leather, if the plague is green or red, it’s the tzara’at plague. A kohein must examine it.27
“The kohein will examine and quarantine its owner for seven days. On the seventh day, he’ll look again. If the plague has spread in the clothing, warp, woof, leather, or anything made of leather, it’s a malignant tzara’at plague. It’s yucky.
“He must burn the thing that has the plague in it. It’s a malignant tzara’at and has to be burnt in fire.
“But if the kohein examines it and the plague hasn’t spread in the clothing, the warp, the woof, or leather thing, the kohein will command it to be washed and quarantined for another seven days.
“The kohein will look after the plague’s been washed. If the plague hasn’t changed in color and hasn’t spread,28 it’s YUCKY! It must be burnt in fire.29 It is a fret, whether it’s inside or out.
“But if the kohein looks and the plague has dimmed after it’s been washed, he’ll rip it out of the clothing, the leather, the warp, or the woof. If it’s still in the clothing, the warp, the woof, or any leather thing, it’s flowering, and the plague-ridden thing must be burnt in fire.
“If the plague has left the clothing, the warp, the woof, or the leather thing after it’s been washed, he’s gotta wash it again, and it’s clean.
“This is the torah of the tzara’at plague in wool or linen clothing, in a warp, in a woof, in anything of linen, to declare it clean or yucky.”
5: Skin Dude
31: In which we are somehow still discussing this ridiculous plague
[Leviticus 14:1-14:20]
“These are the rules of the skin dude on the day he gets cleaned,” Yehovah said to Moshe. “Bring him to the kohein. The kohein will go out of the camp. If the kohein looks and—HOLY MOLY! His tzara’at plague is healed!—the kohein will command him to take two live clean birds,30 cedar wood, scarlet, and hyssop for his purification. The kohein will command him to slaughter the first bird into an earthen bowl over running water.31
“He’ll take the alive bird and dip it, along with the scarlet, hyssop, and cedar in the blood of the slaughtered bird over running water. Then, he’ll fling it on the yucky person seven times. Now he’s clean!32 He’ll send the living bird to the open fields.
“The guy who’s getting cleaned will wash his clothes and shave off all his hair. Then, he’ll clean himself in water and be clean.33 After, he’ll come to the camp and sit outside his tent for seven days.
“On the seventh day, he’ll shave off all his hair, even his eyebrows.34 He’ll wash his clothes, clean himself in water, and now he’s clean!
“On the eighth day, he’ll take two pure lambs, one pure, one-year old ewe, 3/10 an ephah of fine flour mixed with oil for a meal offering, and a loog of oil.35 He’ll stand, along with the kohein cleaning him, before Yehovah at the entrance to the Tent of Witnessing.36
“The kohein will take one of the lambs and bring it as a guilt offering with a lug of oil and do a wavy waving of it before Yehovah. He’ll slaughter the lamb in the holy place where he slaughters the sin offering and the ola. The guilt offering is a holy of holies to the kohein, just like the sin offering.
“The kohein will take the blood of the guilt offering and put it on the tip of the ear of the skin dude, on his right thumb, and on his right foot thumb. The kohein will take a lug of oil and pour it on his left palm. Then, he’ll dip his right finger in the oil and sprinkle it seven times in front of Yehovah.
“The kohein will put the rest of the oil in his left hand on the skin dude's right ear, right thumb, and right foot thumb, on top of the blood of the guilt offering.37 Then, he'll dump the rest of the oil on the cleaning guy's head. The kohein will atone for him before Yehovah.
“The kohein will offer the sin offering and atone for the guy waiting to be cleaned because he’s yucky. After, he’ll slaughter the ola. The kohein will raise up the ola and the meal offering on the altar, atone for him, and he’ll be clean.”
32: In which we discuss discount offerings the skin disease guy can bring
[Leviticus 14:21-14:32]
“If the guy is too poor to get anything,38 he can take one lamb for the guilt offering and the waving,39 one tenth an eipha of flour mingled with oil for the meal offering, a loog of oil, and two turtledoves or young pigeons, whatever he can get. One bird will be a sin offering and the other an ola.
“On the eighth day, for his cleansing, he'll bring them to the kohein at the entrance of the Tent of Witnessing, before Yehovah.
“The kohein will take the lamb for the guilt offering and the loog of oil. He’ll wave a waving before Yehovah. He’ll slaughter the lamb, take the blood, and put it on the skin dudes' right ear, right thumb, and right foot thumb. He’ll pour the oil into his left palm and sprinkle it seven times in front of Yehovah.
“The kohein will put some of the oil in his left hand on top of the skin dude's right ear, his right thumb, and his right foot thumb, on top of the guilt offering blood. He'll dump the rest of the blood on the cleaning man's head, to atone for him before Yehovah.40
“He’ll offer one of the turtledoves or young doves, whatever he can get, for the sin offering and one for the ola, over the meal offering. The kohein will atone for the clean boy before Yehovah.
“These are the rules for the person who has the plague of tzara’at but can't afford to clean himself.”
33: In which we learn how to get rid of mold
[Leviticus 14:33-14:57]
“When you get to the land of Cna’an, which I’m going to give to you,” Yehovah said,41 “and I put the plague of tzara’at in a house, its owner will go to the kohein and say, ‘It looks to me like there might be a plague in my house.’42
“The kohein will make him empty the house in order to prepare for a kohein inspection so nothing in it gets yucky. After that, the kohein will come by for inspection.
“He’ll see the plague and ROOMBA! It's in the walls! Hollow greenish or reddish streaks that look deeper than the walls. The kohein will get outta there and shut the house up for seven days.
“After seven days: inspection. If the plague has spread, the stones that have the plague on them must be taken out of the city and all the mortar scraped off the house and thrown in a yucky place.
“They'll replace the stones and replaster the house. The kohein will come for inpsection. If the plague has spread in the house, it’s malignant tzara’at in the house. It is yucky.
“They’ll destroy the house, its stones, its wood, and all its mortar, and take it out of the city to a yucky place. Anyone that goes into the house while it’s quarantined is yucky until the night.43
“Anyone that sleeps or eats in the house has to wash his clothes.
“But if the kohein comes to inspect and the plague hasn’t spread in the house after it’s been plastered, the kohein will declare it clean. The plague has healed.
“He’ll take two birds, cedar, scarlet, and hyssop for the house sin. He’ll slaughter one of the birds in an earthen bowl over running water. He’ll take the cedar, hyssop, scarlet, and the living bird, dip them in the blood of the slaughtered bird and the running water and sprinkle them on the house seven times.44
“He’ll sinify45 the house with the blood of the bird, the running water, the living bird, the cedar, the hyssop, and the scarlet. He’ll send the living bird outside to the open field. He'll atone for the house and it’ll be clean.
“Those were the rules for all kinds of tzara’at, the scall, in clothing, in a house, a rising, a scab, a bright spot, to show when it’s clean and when it’s yucky. Those are the rules of tzara’at.”
34: In which there are some pretty gross rules
[Leviticus 15:1-15:15]
“Speak to the sons of Yisrael,” Yehovah said to Moshe and Aharon,46 ”and tell them that when a man has something leaking out his dick, that's yucky.47 Whether his yucky leak is just like coming out of his dick or it's plugged things up, he’s yucky.48
“Any bed that he slept in while leaking is yucky. Anything he sat on is yucky.
"Anyone who touches his bed must wash his clothes and bathe himself. He’s yucky until the night.
"Anyone who sits on anything the yucky guy sat on must wash his clothes and take a bath. He’s yucky until the night.
"Anyone who touched his leaky dick must wash his clothes and take a bath.49 He’s yucky until the night.
“If the yucky man spits on a clean person, the clean person has to wash his clothes and take a bath.50 He’s yucky until the night.
"Anyone who rides on something ridden by the yucky man is yucky.
“Anyone who touches anything that was under him51 is yucky until the night. If he’s carried those things, he must wash his clothes and take a bath. He’s yucky until the night.
“Anyone touched by the yucky man before he’s rinsed his hands in water must wash his clothes, take a bath, and be yucky until the night. When the leaky man cleans off his leak, he must count seven days until he’s clean, wash his clothes, take a bath in running water, and be clean.
“On the eighth day, he must bring two turtledoves or young doves, come before Yehovah at the entrance to the Tent of Witnessing, and give them to the kohein. The kohein will take them, one for a sin offering and one for an ola, and atone for him before Yehovah for his yucky penis.”
35: In which we learn some jizz rules
[Leviticus 15:16-15:18]
“If a dude jizzes, he’s gotta clean his whole body. He’s yucky until the night. He has to clean any clothing or leather that has jizz on it with water.52 It’s yucky until the night.
“If a man cums in a lady, they both have to take a bath and are yucky until the night.”53
36: In which we learn about periods
[Leviticus 15:19-15:24]
“If a lady has a bloody leak, she’s in her impurity for seven days and anyone who touches her is yucky until the night. Anything she lies on in her impurity is yucky. Anything she sits on is also yucky. Anyone who touches her bed must wash their clothes and take a bath and they’re yucky until the night. Anyone who touches anything she sits on must wash their clothes, take a bath, and be yucky until the night. If he’s on the bed or the chair she sat on, he’s yucky until the night. If a man bones her, he’s yucky for seven days and any bed he lies in becomes yucky.”
37: In which there are more rules about lady blood
[Leviticus 15:25-15:33]
“If a lady has blood coming out for a whole lotta days when it’s not her period, or it keeps going after her period ends, she remains yucky as long as it's coming out.
“Any bed she lies in during her leaky days, it’s her period bed. Anything she sits on is yucky, like the yuckiness of her period. Anyone who touches them becomes yucky. They have to clean their clothes and take a bath and are yucky until the night.
“Once her leak stops, she counts seven days, and becomes clean.
“On the eighth day, she takes two turtledoves or two young doves, and brings them to the kohein at the entrance to the Tent of Witnessing.
“The kohein will make them for a sin offering and an ola. He’ll atone for her before Yehovah for her yucky leak.
“You’ll separate the sons of Yisrael by their yuckiness so they don't die by making my sanctuary yucky.54 These are the rules of the leaks and the guy who jizzes and how they become yucky. Also, the lady who gets sick with her period, the leaky man or women, and the man who bones down with a lady who’s got yucky stuff going on.”
I saw this translation somewhere and it’s silly so I’m sticking to it.
I mean, I get it. They didn’t exactly have modern hygiene techniques back then.
Weird.
Yes this is terrible. On the other hand, maternity leave.
What sin did she commit?
Why?
“Blood fountain” is quite a visceral turn of phrase, Mr. Bible!
“And a partridge in a pear tree.”
It is not specified if she can take one of each. Scholars debate this for centuries.
We are now moving into the “Questionable Medical Advice” portion of the Torah. Is this leprosy? No one knows, really! I'm just transliterating here because sheesh. It’s usually translated as "leprosy" but this is not leprosy.
Not a doctor.
YUCKY!
Always a good idea.
You probably didn’t know this, but Yehovah moonlighted as a dermatologist.
SCABMAN. Why is scabman clean? This is a surprising turn of events!
This is insane.
No, he shouldn’t.
Or, you know, the body's normal response to a burn.
What the fuck is this.
Glad we've just gender equality in this verse, but beard? Your hair has plague?
If you were blond back then, you were fucked.
I would love it if “front bald” caught on as a phrase.
Think Gorbachev.
I’m getting tired of this. Who else is getting tired of this?
What does this mean? Also, isn’t he bald?
Sure! A sign of mourning back then.
This is just mold, right? Which is kind of funny because when I had mold all the removal companies I could find were Israeli.
I think at this point we can say with certainty the “plague” is just a very stubborn stain.
REALLY?
NO PIGEONS! SO DIRTY!
Very Santeria.
No, he’s not.
Clean is a state of mind, man.
WEIRD.
I’ve gotta imagine there’s a whole industry built around weighing this stuff out.
This feels very much like some pagan magic stuff.
In case you forgot.
Hey, healthcare was too expensive back then, too!
Lambs are free!
Is this atonement or Double Dare?
Great job "giving" the land, God, by the way.
If he says anything else, he’s DEAD.
Sure sounds like you got a mold problem.
Aww! They just replastered!
Clean has the same root as sin somehow! What a language!
We’re done with the weird skin disease! Yay!
Oh no! This is worse!
PLUGGED THINGS UP? WHAT????
The number of people who did that better be zero.
Also, if anyone spits on you, clean yourself.
Like his knickers?
Especially the leather.
It feels like cleaning yourself after should be common sense. Was this written in the bible because people weren’t doing it?
Folks, take baths. Please. God said so.