Week 28: After Death & Holies
In which God kinda loses it
Remember stories?
There’s sort of a story this week! And a whole lot of other stuff, since it’s another double portion!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
6: After Death
38: In which Yehovah establishes some rules waaaaay too late and invents the scapegoat
[Leviticus 16:1-16:28]
This happened right after Aharon’s sons got too close to Yehovah and died.
“Tell your brother Aharon,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “he can’t come to the holy place beyond the veil, where the cover on the box is, whenever he wants. I don't want him to die! I'll be appearing in a cloud on the cover.1
“Aharon has to come to the holy place with a young bull for a sin offering and a ram for an ola. He must wear his holy linen shirt, his linen pants on his meat, be girded with his linen girdle, and have his little linen hat on his head. These are holy clothes so he has to clean himself before he wears them.2
“He has to take two goats for the sin offering and one ram for the ola from the congregation of the sons of Yisrael. Aharon will bring his sin offering bull and atone with it for himself and his house. He’ll take the two goats and put them in front of Yehovah at the entrance to the Tent of Witnessing. He’ll draw a lottery for the two goats—one will be drawn for Yehovah and one for Azazel. Aharon will bring the goat that wins to Yehovah as a sin offering.3
“The goat who won a free trip to Azazel will stand alive before Yehovah to atone for everyone. Then, it'll be sent to Azazel, to the desert.4
“Aharon will bring his sin offering bull to atone for himself and his house. He’ll slaughter his sin offering bull. He’ll take a censer full of fire coals off the altar, before Yehovah, and fill his palms with very small sweet incense and bring it all beyond the veil.
“He’ll put the incense on the fire before Yehovah so the cloud of incense5 covers the cover on the Witnessing and he doesn’t die.
“He’ll take some bull blood, sprinkle a little on the front cover with his finger. Then, he'll sprinkle some more in front of the cover seven times. He'll slaughter the nation's sin offering goat and bring its blood beyond the veil. He'll mess around with its blood like he did with the bull's blood, sprinkling it on the cover and in front of the cover.
"He'll atone for the holy place, getting rid of the yuckiness, transgressions, and sins of the sons of Yirael. This is what he'll do to the Tent of Witnessing, the tent which chills amongst them, within all their yuckiness.
"From the moment Aharon enters the holy to atone until he leaves, no one can go into the Tent of Witnessing. He'll atone for himself, his household, and all of Yisrael.”
"He'll go out to the altar that's before Yehovah and atone on it. He'll put bull blood and goat blood all around the horns of the altar. He'll sprinkle the blood seven times. It'll be clean6 and purified from the yuckiness of the sons of Yisrael.
"When he finishes atoning the holy, the Tent of Witnessing, and the altar, he'll bring the living goat. Aharon will put his hands on its head and put all the iniquities of the sons of Yisrael, all their transgressions, and all their sins into the head of the goat.7 Then, he'll send it, along with some dude, into the desert.
"The goat will carry all the iniquities into a cut off land. The goat will be sent into the desert.8
"Aharon will come to the Tent of Witnessing, take off his linen clothes, and leave. He'll clean himself with the water that's in the holy place, put on his clothes, and go out. He'll make the nation's ola to atone for himself and for the people. He'll smoke the fat of the sin offering on the altar.
"The person who sent the goat to Azazel will wash his clothes, bathe, and come back to the camp.
"He'll bring the sin offering bull and goat whose blood he used to atone in the holy outside the camp. They'll be burned in fire—their skin, meat, and doodie. The person who burns them must wash his clothes and bath. Only after can he come back to the camp.
39: In which Yom Kippur a-happens
[Leviticus 16:29-16:34]
"This is seriously such an eternal decree: on the tenth day of the seventh month, you, the native and the stranger living with you, must afflict your souls and not do any work. Yehovah will offer you atonement on this day, wiping your sins away!9 You'll become clean. It's a crazy fucking Shabbos to you. You'll afflict your souls. An eternal decree!
"The kohein who's been anointed and had his hands filled to kohein under his father will atone and wear the holy linen clothing. He'll atone from the super holy place, the Tent of Witnessing, and the altar, for the koheins, the nation, and the congregation. This will be an eternal decree for you, to atone for the sons of Yisrael for all their sins once a year."
Moshe did what Yehovah commanded him.
40: In which there are still more sacrificial rules
[Leviticus 17:1-17:16]
"Tell Aharon, his sons, and all the sons of Yisrael," Yehovah said to Moshe, "all the stuff I'm about to talk about.10
"If a man slaughters an ox, lamb, or goat, inside or outside of the camp, and he didn't bring it to the entrance of the Tent of Witnessing as an offering to Yehovah before Yehovah's sanctuary, blood is on that man because he spilled blood. That man is cut off from within the nation.11
"The sons of Yisrael can bring the offerings they make in the open field to Yehovah at the entrance to the Tent of Witnessing, to the kohein, and sacrifice them as peace offerings to Yehovah. The kohein will throw the blood on Yehovah's altar and smoke up the fat to make a nice smell for Yehovah.
"They can't offer sacrifices to any of the goat-demons they whore after.12 This is an eternal decree for generations.13
"Tell them that if there's anyone among them, even a convert that lives with them, who brings an ola or a sacrifice, but doesn't bring it to the entrance to the Tent of Witnessing to make it for Yehovah, that man is cut off from his nation.14
"If a man from the house of Yisrael, or a convert who lives with you, eats any kinda blood, I'll put my face on the blood-eater's soul and I will cut him off from his nation.
"Because blood is the lifeforce of meat! I gave it to you so you can atone on the altar! You use blood to atone for your souls!15
"That's why I say to the sons of Yisrael that none of your souls can eat blood! And the converts can't eat blood either! If a man from the sons of Yisrael or a convert who lives with you hunts an animal or a bird to eat it, he's gotta pour out the blood and cover it with dirt.16
"Because blood is the soul of every meat! BLOOD IS IN YOUR SOUL!17 Tell the sons of Yisrael not to eat the blood of any meat! BLOOD IS THE SOUL OF ALL MEAT! ANYONE WHO EATS BLOOD WILL BE CUT OFF!
"Anyone who eats an animal that dies on its own or is torn up, whether a native or a stranger, he has to wash his clothes, take a bath, and he's dirty until the night.18 If he doesn't wash his clothes or himself, he must carry his iniquity."
41: In which God delivers some very normal rules and one really bad one
[Leviticus 18:1-18:30]
"Tell the sons of Yisrael that I am Yehovah, their Elohim," Yehovah said to Moshe.19 "Don't do the things that were done in Mitzrayim, where you lived. Or C'naan, where I'm taking you. Don't follow their rules. Only follow my rules. Keep those. Walk in them. I am Yehovah, your Elohim. Follow my rules and my decrees. Man should do them. And live by them.20 I am Yehovah.
"No man should see any of his family naked. I am Yehovah.
"Don't look at your Mom or your Dad naked. That's your Mom. Don't see her nude.21
"Don't look at your dad's woman naked. That nudity belongs to your dad.22
"Don't look at your sister—the daughter of your father or your mother—whether she's born at home or away, naked.23
"Don't look at the daughter of your son or your daughter naked. That's your nudity.
"Don't look at your father's woman's daughter naked. That's your sister.24
"Don't look at your dad's sister naked. Or your mom's sister.
"Don't look at your uncle naked. And don't go near his woman. That's your aunt!
"Don't look your daughter-in-law naked.25 She belongs to your son.
"Don't look at your brother's woman naked. That's your brother's nudity.
"Don't look at a woman and her daughter naked or any of her granddaughters. They're her relatives. That's weird.
"Don't take sisters as your women to rival each other while they're alive.26
"Don't go to a woman to get her naked while she's got her period going.
"Don't fuck your neighbor's woman and make her yucky.
"Don't give your children to Molech. Don't profane the name of your Elohim27 I am Yehovah.
"Don't lie with a dude like you would with a woman. That's gross.28
"Don't have sex with animals to get yucky with them. And ladies—don't get in front of an animal so it can fuck you. That's weird.
"Don't make yourself yucky with any of these things. This is how the nations I'm going to chase away made themselves yucky. The land become yucky and I brought iniquity on it and it spewed out the people in it.
"Keep my rules and my decrees. Don't do any of these disgusting things.29 The native and the convert with you. These are disgusting thingss the people of the land in front of you did and they made the land yucky. The land won't throw you all out when you make it yucky like it did the nation before you.
"The soul of anyone who does these disgusting things is cut off from their nation. Keep my guardianship and don't do any of the disgusting things that were done before you so you don't get yucky with them. I am Yehovah, your Elohim."
7: Holies
42: In which God spits out some more random rules
[Leviticus 19:1-19:8]
"Tell everyone to be holy," Yehovah said. "Because I, Yehovah, their Elohim, am holy. They must all be afraid of their fathers and mothers and guard over my fucking Shabbos.30 I am Yehovah, your Elohim.
"Don't turn to other Els or to metal Elohim.31 Or make them. I am Yehovah, your Elohim.
“When you offer me a peace offering, do it of your own free will. Eat it on the day of your sacrifice and the next one. Burn the leftovers. In fire. If you eat it on the third day, it's gross and bad and I don't want it.32 If you do that, you'll carry your iniquity because you've desecrated Yehovah's holiness! Your soul is cut off from the nation.
43: In which the rules are much nicer than that homophobic stuff before and maybe we should focus on these instead
[Leviticus 19:9-19:18]
"When you gather your harvest, don't collect the corner of the field or the leftover after your harvest. Don't glean33 your vineyard or collect the fallen grapes. Leave them for the poor person and the stranger. I am Yehovah, your Elohim.34
"Don't steal. Don't swindle. Don't lie to each other. Don't swear falsely by my name and profane it. I am Yehovah.
"Don't persecute your neighbor. Don't rob. Don't hold onto wages until the morning.35 Don't curse the deaf.36 Don't put a stumbling block in a blind person's path. Fear your Elohim. I am Yehovah.
"If you're a judge, don't be an asshole. Don't be biased to the poor or favor the great. Judge your neighbor with righteousness. Don't be a gossip. And don't stand over your neighbor's blood. I am Yehovah.
"Don't foster hatred to your brother in your heart.37 You should definitely get up in his grill so you don't carry his sin. Don't take revenge or bear a grudge against your countrymen.38 Love your neighbor like yourself.39 I am Yehovah.”
44: In which we have some more random rules
[Leviticus 19:19-19:22]
"Keep my rules.40 Don't mix breeds of animals.41 Don't grow two things in your field. Don't use clothing with two kinds of fabric mixed together.
"If you have naughty adventures with a lady and it's a creampie situation, but she's a ladyslave who belongs to another man and hasn't been redeemed or given her freedom, there'll be an investigation, but since she wasn't free, nobody has to die.42 He'll bring a ram as a guilt offering to Yehovah by the entrance to the Tent of Witnessing. They kohein will use it to atone for him before Yehovah and he'll be forgiven for the sin he sinned.43
45: In which God commands Israel not to eat for an unreasonable length of time
[Leviticus 19:23-19:25]
"When you get to the land and have planted all kinds of trees for eating, you can't have the fruit for three years. It's forbidden! Don't eat it!44 In the fourth year, all the fruit will be holy for giving praise to Yehovah. You can eat the fruit in the fifth year so it can add to your bounty.45 I am Yehovah, your Elohim.”
46: In which God freaks out about all sorts of weird stuff
[Leviticus 19:26-19:37]
"DON'T EAT BLOOD! Also, don't look at signs or think there are lucky times of the day.46 Don't cut the corners of your head or mess with the corners of your beard. Don't make any cuts on your skin or write anything on yourselves.47 I am Yehovah.
"Don't make your daughter gross by letting her be a slut so the land doesn't descend into immoral sluttiness.48 Keep my fucking Shabbos and fear my temple. I am Yehovah.
"Don't hang out with necromancers or people who talk to ghosts.49 That's yucky. I am Yehovah, your Elohim.
"Get up when the white-haired face shows up. Honor the old man's face.50 Fear your Elohim. I am Yehovah.
"If a stranger lives with you in your land, don't harass him. Treat the stranger who lives with you like he's a native.51 Love him like yourself. You were strangers in Mitzrayim. I am Yehovah, your Elohim.
"Don't cheat anyone in judgment, length, weight, or measurement. Have accurate balances, rocks, ephahs, and hins. I am Yehovah, your Elohim, who took you out of Mitzrayim. Guard all my rules and decrees. And do them. I am Yehovah.”
47: In which we talk about Molech again
[Leviticus 20:1-20:5]
“Tell the sons of Yisrael,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “that if any man from the sons of Yisrael or a stranger living with Yisrael gives his child to Molech, he's gotta die right away. The entire nation should kill him with stones. I'll put my face on that man and cut him off from within the nation because he gave his child to Molech to make my temple yucky and profane my holy name.
“If the people of the nation look away from the man who gave his child to Molech and don't kill him, I'll put my face on the man and his family to cut him all and all who whore after him to whore after Molech from the midst of the nation.”52
48: In which we get some more rules about ghosts, which were apparently a major concern at the time
[Leviticus 20:6-20:7]
“The soul that turns to necromancers and ghosttalkers to whore after them, I'll turn my face to that soul and cut him off from the nation. You gotta be holy and you will be holy because I am Yehovah, your Elohim.”
49: In which, once again, there are some sexx laws
[Leviticus 20:8-20:26]
"You'll guard over my rules and do them. I am Yehovah. I made you holy.
"A man who curses his father and mother must die immediately. If he curses his father and mother, his blood is on him.
"If a man bones down with the woman of another man or his neighbor's woman,53 the sex man and the sex woman have to die, hard.
"If a man gets his bone on with his father's woman, he's seen his father's nudity, so they both have to die. Their blood is on them.
"If a man sleeps with his bride, they both have to die right away, they've done a corrupt thing and their blood is on them.54
"If a man sleeps with a male like he would with a woman, it's super gross.55 Both have to die. Their blood is on them.56
"If a man takes a woman and her mother, that's terrible. You have to burn all three of them in fire. I won't have you doing terrible stuff like that.57
"If a man puts his lovestick in an animal, he's gotta die for sure. Also, kill the animal.58 If a woman approaches any animals and it ravages her, kill the woman. The animal must also die. Their blood is on them.
"If a man takes his sister, his father or his mother's daughter, and sees her nudity and she sees his nudity, that's real nice.59 They must be cut off from the sons of the nation. He's revealed the nudity of his sister and must carry his iniquity.
"If a man sleeps with a woman during her sick times and revealed her nakedness and sees her blood fountain, the two must be cut off from within the nation.60
"Don't look at the nakedness of your sister, your mother, or your father's sister, because it's your family's nudity and you'll carry your iniquity.
"If a man sleeps with his aunt, he's seen his uncle's nudity. They'll carry their sin and die without children.61 If a man takes his brother's woman and she's having blood times, that's his brother's nudity, they won't have kids.
"You must watch over my rules, my decrees, and do them so you can live in the land I'm taking you do and it doesn't throw you out. Don't follow the rules of the tribe I'm going to chase away because they did all these things and made themselves just horrible.
"I've told you that you will inherit the land since I'll give it, a land flowing with milk and honey, to you to take it. I am Yehovah, your Elohim, who's separated you from the nations. You will separate between the yucky and the clean animals and birds. Don't make your souls gross with the animal, the bird, and everything that scurries along the ground that I've told you is yucky. You'll be holy to me because I am holy Yehovah and I will separate you from the nations to be for me."
50: In which there is seriously another rule about ghosts
[Leviticus 20:27]
"A man or a woman who sees ghosts or spirit must die. Kill them with stones. Their blood is on them."62
And he'll be appearing in a thong on the liner notes.
His sons just died and he has CHORES?
Is it really winning?
What a “fun” time!
Hell yeah.
Sort of.
Not really.
What I would give to see the spirit journey of this goat…
One day only!
OK, but buddy? It’s a lot.
So, um, how are you supposed to eat meat?
The words in Hebrew just means regular goats but it is understood as meaning "goat-demons" so of course I'm using that.
And it's as applicable as ever here in 2024!
Pretty much BBQ blackmail.
God's a weird dude.
YOU CAN EAT ANIMALS YOU HUNT.
God sounds like Brigadier General Ripper in Dr. Strangelove.
And that's it! That's treif! That's what Glatt Kosher means! WHAT THE FUCK! IT'S NOT EVEN A SIN, it's just a little dirty. All you have to do after eating non-Glatt is take a shower.
I think they know by now.
Chai bahem-v'lo yamut bahem, which translates to “DON'T KILL YOURSELF.” Very important, especially here.
According to everyone, this is code for fucking.
Polygamy, remember. Note it doesn't say your mother's man. No polyandry.
Even if it's your long-lost sister. IT'S STILL GROSS.
You weirdo.
This can also mean bride? That’s weird!
Unless you're Yaakov, in which case it's totally cool.
Weird juxtaposition.
So, like, fuck this verse. But also, think about how women have been treated so far. Couldn’t this just be saying you can’t treat a man as property? Wouldn’t that alternative translation make for a lot less heartache? Can’t we just go with that one? Please?
ALL OF THEM. Even period sex, apparently.
Be TERRIFIED of your fathers and mothers.
Metal? No good. Glam rock Elohim? That's ok.
Because it’ll have gone bad.
"Glean" is a word outside of agriculture so I feel like it needs some explanation. It means the leftover—after farmers go through their fields with scythes, gathering their harvest, whatever fell to the ground during their collection is called the "gleaning." Going back through the field to collect what's left is "to glean." Back in the day, this was actually a substantial amount of food. Mechanized farming has the reduced the amount of gleaning left over. In Israel, there is a charitable organization called "Leket," the Hebrew word for "gleaning," that redistributes excess food. However, I don't believe this rule is practiced on a national level.
Gosh imagine if we actually followed this.
You capitalist fucker.
Even though it's hilarious because they can't hear you.
Do it to his face!
Everyone else, it's cool.
Just not in a sexual way, as indicated earlier.
Even though they're crazy.
Oops.
What the fuck.
Cool.
So, like, what do they eat?
And then you have one more year until shmittah, losers.
Some examples, from the Talmud: people who interpret things that weasels or birds do as omens, or people who see portents in bread falling from his mouth or a deer crossing his bath.
Not even as a to-do list on the inside of your wrist!
The word here is זונה, which is typically translated as prostitute. But! The tendency of prudish people to conflate sexual freedom with prostitution is ANCIENT! The Talmud and the Midrash both say this verse is talking about a man letting his daughter have extra-marital sex. COOL!
Instead, BUST GHOSTS. It'll make you feel good.
The rest of him? Eh.
"Hear that, pretty much everyone in 2025?!"
Harsh.
Either one!
I suppose this could refer to daughter-in-law, but eh.
Also, impossible. The Talmud here, very vividly, describes the action as a man inserting his cock as an applicator into a tube of eye shadow. So bristly!
Just like adultery!
Guess we gotta burn down YouPorn.
WHY.
This is a serious rabbit hole. The Hebrew word used here is "Chesed," which usually means something positive, a good thing! Rashi says that this time, however, it's coming from an Aramaic word that means shameful. However, that's just normal Biblical weirdness.
Since we're talking about sister-fucking, though, Rashi confirms that Cain did indeed have sex with his sister back in Genesis, at least according to the Talmud in Sanhdrin 58b. Cool!
Inconsistent.
Nope.
So if you see a ghost, tell NO ONE.
I used to get these by email but I don't seem to anymore