Week 29: Tell 'Em
In which there's a whole lotta rules and a little bit of plot
It seems even God might be tiring of all these rules!
Could you make a book of rules so cumbersome even God couldn’t write it?
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
8: Tell ‘Em
51: In which there are more kohein rules
[Leviticus 21:1-21:15]
"Tell the koheins," Yehovah said to Moshe, "they should not get yucky by touching dead bodies unless there’s close family of the dead person: a father, mother, son, daughter, and brother. If his sister is a maiden who has not been taken by a man, she is considered a close relative and he can get yucky by being near her dead body. He shouldn't get yucky. He's a master in his nation.1
"He shouldn't shave his head, cut the corners of his beard, or make any cuts in his skin.2 They must be holy to their Elohim and cannot profane their Elohim's name. They bring Yehovah's fire-offerings and Elohim's bread offerings, ok? So they should be holy.
"He cannot take a slut, a profane woman,3 or a woman whose man has chased her away.4 He is holy to his Elohim. You must make him holy because you bring Elohim's bread. You must be holy because I, Yehovah, the one who made you holy, am holy.5
"If a kohein's daughter profanes herself by slutting it up, she's also profaned her father and must be burned in fire.6
"The kohein who's bigger than his brothers and had the anointing oil poured on his head and his hands filled to wear the clothing can't leave his hair uncut or his clothing torn up. He can't get yucky by being near dead bodies. Not even his father or mother.
"He had the anointing oil poured on him so he can't leave the sanctuary or profane Elohim's sanctuary.7 I am Yehovah.
"He must take a pure unmarried woman, not one who’s been chased woman, or a dirty slut whore. Just a fair, wonderful maiden. He cannot profane his semen because I am Yehovah, who made him holy.”
52: In which God is not so friendly to the differently-abled
[Leviticus 21:16-21:24]
“Tell Aharon," Yehovah said to Moshe, "that if any of his kids have any kinda disability, they can't bring bread to Elohim.8 This includes: a blind man, a lame, a maimed person, or someone whose arms or legs are too long.9 Or if he's got a broken leg or hand.10 A hunchback, a dwarf, a unibrow-haver, a scabbed person, someone with scurvy, or someone with crushed testicles.11 If any of Aharon's kids are messed up, they can't bring Yehovah's fire offerings or Elohim's bread.
"He can eat Elohim's bread from the super holy and the regular holy. He just can't go through the screen or come to the altar because he's a freak. I don't want him to make my sanctuary gross because I am Yehovah who made them holy."
Moshe spoke to Aharon, his sons, and all the sons of Yisrael.
53: In which God says stuff
[Leviticus 22:1-22:16]
"Tell Aharon and his sons," Yehovah said to Moshe, "to be careful with the holy donations the sons of Yisrael give so they don't profane my holy name that they make holy.
"I am Yehovah.
"Tell them that if any of their kids screws up and gets the holy donations yucky, that soul is cut off from in front of me!
"I am Yehovah.
"Any of your seed who's a leper or a leakyman can't eat the holy stuff until he gets clean. Or if he touches a dead guy, anyone who's recently jizzed, anyone who touches a squirmy thing that's yucky to him, or anyone who's just generally yucky, he will become yucky until the night. He can't eat the holy stuff unless he bathes in water.12
"When the sun comes, he's clean. After, he can eat the holy stuff because it's his bread.
"He can't eat something that's torn up or died on its own. That's yucky.
"I am Yehovah.
"They should keep my charge, not sin against it, and, if they profane it, they die.
"I am Yehovah, who made them holy.
"A regular dude, someone living with the kohein, or a servant, can't eat the holy stuff. But if a kohein buys a slave, that guy can eat it. And anyone born in his house can eat his bread.
"If a kohein's daughter ends up with a regular guy, she can't eat the holy tribute.
"If a kohein's daughter is widowed or chased from her home and doesn't have a kid, she can go back to her father's house like when she was a kid and eat her father's bread. But no normal guy can eat it.
"If a man eats the holy food by accident, he should add a fifth to it and give it to the kohein.
"Don't profane the holy stuff the sons of Yisrael made for Yehovah!
"If they eat the holy things, they must carry their iniquity, because I am Yehovah who made them holy."13
54: In which we are seriously discussing the sacrifices again
[Leviticus 22:17-22:25]
"Tell Aharon, his sons, and all the sons of Yisrael," Yehovah said to Moshe, "that I said that any man from the sons of Yisrael or from the strangers in Yisrael who brings a sacrifice for any of their vows or their just-because offerings to Yehovah as an ola, they have to bring a pure male from the cattle, sheep, or goat. Don't bring me anything that has a blemish. I won't accept that from you.14
"If a man brings a peace-offering to Yehovah to fulfill a vow or just for fun, if it's cattle or sheep, it has to be pure without any blemishes.
"If it's blind, broken, maimed, has a cut, warts, or a rash, don't bring it as a fire offering to Yehovah on the altar. You can make a free-will offering with a bull or lamb that has anything too long or short, but it won't be accepted as a vow.
"If its testicles are bruised, crushed, torn, or cut, don't bring it to Yehovah.15 Don't do this in your land.
"Don't bring any kind of animal to Yehovah that was given to you by a foreigner. There's corruption in them. It has a blemish. It won't be accepted."
55: In which God just won't stop talking
[Leviticus 22:26-22:33]
"A bull, a sheep, or a goat is born," Yehovah said to Moshe, "and it spends 7 days under its mother. From the eighth day and on, it can be accepted as a fire offering to Yehovah, whether it's a cow or an ewe. Don't offer it and its son on the same day.16
"If you make a thank-you offering to Yehovah, offer it on the same day that you eat it so it'll be accepted. Don't leave anything until the morning.
"I am Yehovah.17
"Guard my commandments and do them.
"I am Yehovah.
"Don't profane my holy name. Make me holy within the sons of Yisrael.
"I am Yehovah. I made you holy and took you out of Mitzrayim to be your Elohim.
"I am Yehovah.”
56: In which we lay out the Jewish holidays
[Leviticus 23:1-23:4]
“Tell the sons of Yisrael," Yehovah said to Moshe, "about the times of Yehovah. These are my times. Call them 'The Holy Callings.'
"Work for six days and make a shabbaty fucking Shabbos on the seventh day. That's a holy calling. Don't do any work. It's a fucking Shabbos to Yehovah anywhere you live.”
57: In which Pesach gets a date
[Leviticus 23:4-23:8]
"These are Yehovah's seasons, when the holy happenings go down.
"Yehovah's Pesach is in the evening on the 14th day of the first month."
"Yehovah's Matzo Festival is on the 15th day of that month. Eat matzos for seven days. The first day will be a holy happening to you. Don't do any work. Bring fire offerings to Yehovah for seven days. The seventh day will be a holy happening. Don't do any work."
58: In which the people start having trouble keeping track of all these sacrifices
[Leviticus 23:9-23:14]
"Tell the sons of Yisrael," Yehovah said to Moshe, "when they get to the land I'm giving them and they gather their harvest, they have to bring their first sheaf to the kohein. He'll wave it before Yehovah so it'll be accepted. The kohein will wave it on the day after the fucking Shabbos.18
"On the day you wave the sheaf, bring a pure one year old lamb as an ola to Yehovah. And a meal offering of two tenths of fine flour mixed up with oil, a fire offering to Yehovah for a nice smell. Also, a quarter-hin of wine.
"Don't eat bread, parched corn, or fresh ears until the middle of this day when the offering is brought to your Elohim. This is an eternal decree for generations, wherever you live.”19
59: In which we establish Shavuot, the Jewish holiday your boss thinks you made up
[Leviticus 23:15-23:22]
"Count seven weeks from the day after the fucking Shabbos when you bring the waving sheaf. Count 50 days and then bring a new meal offering to Yehovah.20 Also, bring a waving bread from where you live, two loaves made of two tenths. Use fine flour to bake them with leaven, the firsts for Yehovah.
"Bring seven pure one year old lambs, one young bull, and two rams on the bread. They'll be an ola to Yehovah. Also, meal and drink offerings, to make a nice smell for Yehovah.
"You'll make one goat for a sin offering and two year-old lambs for peace offerings. It'll be a holy happening in the middle of this day. Don't do any work. This is an eternal decree for generations wherever you live.
"When you harvest your land, don't finish harvesting the corner of your field and don't collect whatever falls. Leave that for the poor man and the stranger.21
"I am Yehovah, your Elohim."
60: In which God destroys any chance of Jewish productivity in September
[Leviticus 23:23-23:32]
“Tell the sons of Yisrael," Yehovah said to Moshe, "on the first day of the seventh month, it'll be a shabbaty day, a memorial blast, a holy happening. Don't do any work. Bring fire offerings to Yehovah.
"Also, on the tenth of the seventh month," Yehovah said to Moshe, "it's a Day of Atoning. Make it a holy happening to you. Afflict your souls and bring fire offerings to Yehovah.22
“Don't do any work during this day because it's a day for you to atone before Yehovah, your Elohim. Any soul that does not afflict itself on this day will be cut off from his nation. I will destroy any soul that does any work during this day from within his nation. Don't do any work. This is an eternal decree for generations, anywhere you live.
"It's a shabbaty fucking Shabbos for you. Afflict your souls on the tenth of the month at night. From night to night, make your fucking Shabbos."
61: In which Sukkot is invented
[Leviticus 23:33-23:44]
"Tell the sons of Yisrael," Yehovah said to Moshe, "on the 15th day of the seventh month, you've got a seven-day tent holiday for Yehovah.
"Make the first day a holy happening. Don't do any work. Bring fire offerings to Yehovah for seven days. On the eighth day, it's a holy happening and you've gotta bring fire offerings to Yehovah. It's a special party day. Don't do any work.
"These are the times Yehovah made for you—holy happenings other than the fucking Shabbos to bring fire offerings, ola, meal offerings, sacrifice, and drink offerings to Yehovah. And also other than your presents, your vows, your free offerings that you give to Yehovah.23
"But on the 15th day of the seventh month, when you gather what the land produces, celebrate a festival to Yehovah for seven days. The first day is shabbaty and the eighth day is shabbaty. On the first day, take the fruit of the hadar tree, palm branches, branches from leafy trees, and willows from the river and get happy before Yehovah, your Elohim for seven days. Celebrate a festival to Yehovah for seven days out of the year. This is an eternal degree for generations, that you'll celebrate it in the seventh month.24
"You'll live in tents for seven days. Any native in Yisrael will live in tents. That way, for generations, you'll know that the sons of Yisrael lived in tents when I took them out of Mitzrayim.25
"I am Yehovah, your Elohim."
Moshe told the sons of Yisrael the times of Yehovah.
62: In which God gives us some baking directions
[Leviticus 24:1-24:9]
"Command the sons of Yisrael," Yehovah said to Moshe, "to bring you pure beaten olive oil to keep the lamp constantly lit. Aharon will light it from evening to morning outside the screen of witnessing in the Tent of Witnessing, before Yehovah. This is an eternal decree for generations. On this pure candelabra, always light the lamps before Yehovah.
"Take fine flour and bake twelve loaves with it—two tenths of an epha in each loaf.26 Put them in two rows, six in each row, on the pure table, before Yehovah. Put pure frankincense on the row so it's on the bread as a reminder of the fire offerings to Yehovah.
"Always set it before Yehovah on the fucking Shabbos. It'll be an eternal covenant for Aharon as his sons, who will eat them in the holy place because they're very holy offerings. An eternal decree."27
63: In which something happens!
[Leviticus 24:10-24:23]
The son of a Yisraeli woman and a Mitzri man went out into the sons of Yisrael.28 The Yisraeli woman's son did some stuff in the middle of camp with a Yisraeli man. The Yisraeli woman's son blasphemed the name and cursed it. He was brought to Moshe. His mother's name was Shlomit, daughter of Divri, from the tribe of Dan.29
They put him under watch so Yehovah could tell them what to do.
"Take the blasphemer out of the camp!" Yehovah said to Moshe. "Have everyone who heard put their hands on his head. The entire crew will stone him. Then say this to the sons of Yisrael: 'Any man who curses his Elohim will carry his sin! Anyone who blasphemes Yehovah must die right away, stoned by everyone. Whether they're a stranger or native, if they blaspheme, they must die. Anyone who strikes a man's soul must die. If you stike the soul of an animal, you must pay a soul for a soul.30 If a man gives his neighbor a blemish, whatever he did will be done to him. A break under a break. An eye under an eye. A tooth under a tooth. Whatever he did to another man, do to him.31 There's one law for all of them, the stranger and the native alike.'
"I am Yehovah, your Elohim."
Moshe spoke to the sons of Yisrael and took the curser outside camp. They stoned him with rocks. The sons of Yisrael did as Yehovah commanded Moshe.32
Yet another sentence that has baffled translators. Some think it means he can't get yucky for a relation by marriage.
Does that mean anyone else can?
A lady who curses.
A divorcee, but interesting turn of phrase, Bible.
That's some pretty circular logic.
Anyone else's daughter becomes a prostitute? Totally cool.
He can never leave it? That's scary.
Gonna need more definition than that. I hope it's coming! Because that's EVERYONE.
Even though, uh, he made this happen to them.
You can fix those, though, right? God is very ableist.
One of these things is not like the other. Also, there are totally divergent translations of this. In another version, it's "Someone with weird eyebrows, a cataract, some kinda crazy eye colors, boils, or crushed testicles." For some reason, that always stays.
Yes. Good. Accurate. Take a bath.
And then they have to give a sacrifice, which, if they eat, starts the cycle all over again!
Feels like God got a bunch of gross animals and had to go back and tell them to stop.
God loves beautiful, full balls.
That's just mean.
This is just what he says when he’s thinking of his next sentence.
FINALLY! Here, Rashi describes what a "waving" is. According to Menachot 62a, you wave the thing back and forth to hold back bad wings and up and down to stop bad dew.
OH IS IT.
It’s kinda funny how unaware so many Christians are of these holidays considering they supposedly read this book too.
Sure wish we actually did this one and not just all the fancy holiday stuff.
What does it mean? SEX, maybe!
That's a lot of friggin' sacrifices!
Shouldn't the previous paragraph come after this? Someone screwed up!
They did??
I kinda wish there was some information on how long these should prove.
Nope!
Here, Rashi claims the Mitzri man was the son of the man Moshe killed all the way back in Exodus.
Oh man, the rabbis go off on Shlomit. They say that she was a slut and that since her name means "Peace unto you," she'd constantly be blabbing to people, saying "Peace unto you." And that her mom, Divri, was just as bad.
Um, God, you're rambling.
Can this guy give one freaking law without going on a tangent?
Terrifying.