Week 31: In the Desert
In which there is so much counting
Get ready for some adventures!
Strap on tight because we got some stories coming. Not this week, but eventually!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
1: In the Desert
1: In which God decides to count everybody, something he could totally do himself
[Numbers 1:1-1:19]
On the first day of the second month of the second year after leaving Mitzrayim, Yehovah spoke to Moshe in the Seenai desert.
"Together with Aharon,” he said, ”count the number of men in Yisrael 20 and up, by their families and their father’s houses. These guys will join Yisrael’s army.1 The heads of the tribes will help you count. I will list their names right now.
“Your 2nd year census leaders are:2
From Reuven, Elitzur, the son of Shdaioo3
From Shimon, Shloomiel, the son of Tzoreeshadai
From Yehudah, Nachshon, the son of Ameenadav
From Yisaschar, Netanel, the son of Tzooar
From Zevulun, Eliav, the son of Chelon
From Ephrayim, son of Yoseph, Elishama, the son of Ameehood
From Menashe son of Yoseph, Gamliel, the son of Pdatzur
From Binyamin, Aveedan, the son of Geedoni
From Dan, Acheeayzer, the son of Ameeshadai
From Asher, Pagee'el, the son of Achran
Fom God, Elyasaf, the son of Deoo'el
And from Naphtali, Acheera, the son of Eynan
“These men have been picked by their tribes as presidents. They lead thousands.”
That same day, Moshe and Aharon gathered the presidents and also literally everyone else and counted, by family and by tribe, all the men over 20.4 Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
This went down in the Seenai desert.
2: In which the Count from Sesame Street blows his load
[Numbers 1:20-1:54]
Reuven, Yisrael's firstborn, had 46,500 men over 20 who could go out and fight.
Shimon had 59,300 men.
God had 45,650 men.
Yehudah had 74,600 men.
Yisaschar had 54,400 men.
Zevulun had 57,400 men.
Yoseph's son Ephraim had 40,500 men.
Yoseph's son Menashe had 32,200 men.
Dan had 62,700 men.
Ahser had 41,500 men.
Naphtali had 53,400 men.
That's how many men Moshe and Aharon counted.5 Also, there were 12 presidents of Yisrael, one for each Father House.
The grand total of the sons of Yisrael from 20 years and up who could fight in the army was 603,550.6
The Levis were not counted.7
"Why didn't you count the Levis?" Yehovah said to Moshe.8 "It’s because you’ll put the Levis in charge of Altar of Witnessing, its tools, and all the other stuff it's got. They can carry the Sanctuary and its tools, and take care of it while they camp around it.9
"When the Sanctuary travels, the Levis will take it down. When the sanctuary is ready to go up, they'll put it together. Any normal person who gets near them dies.10
"The rest of the sons of Yisrael will camp according to their flags and their phalanxes. The Levis will camp around the Tent of Witnessing so I won’t get pissed off at everybody.11 The Levis will take care of the Sanctuary of Witnessing.”12
The sons of Yisrael did everything Yehovah commanded Moshe.
3: In which God arranges the caravan
[Numbers 2:1-2:34]
“All the sons of Yisrael should camp near their flags and their fathers’ family," Yehovah said to Moshe and Aharon. "They should be around the Tent of Witnessing, but not too close. Yehudah’s camp should pitch its tents to the east. Nachson, the son of Ameenadav, is their president. According to the poll, they have 74,600 men.13
"Yisaschar will camp next to Yehudah. Their president is Netanel, the son of Tzuar. They have 54,400, according to their polling. Zevulun will also be next to Yehudah. Their president is Eliav, the son of Cheilon. They number 57,400.
"There are 186,400 in the Yehudah camp.14 They go first when you travel.
"Reuven's camp flew its flag to the south. Their president was Elitzur, the son of Shdeur. There were 46,500 of them.
"Shimon camped with them. Their president was Shloomiel, the son of Tzurishadai. There were 59,300 Shimonites. God was also with Reuven and had appointed Elyasaph, the son of Reuel, as president. All 45,650 of them!
"All together, the camp of Reuven contained 151,450 men.15 They traveled second. The Tent of Witnessing will travel with the camp of Levites, in the middle of the camps.
"Ephraim will fly his camp's flag on the west. Their president is Elishamar, the son of Amihood. They've got 40,500 people.
"Menashe will camp next to them. Their president is Gamli'el, son of Pdatzur. They've got 32,200. Binyamin will be there too, with president Aveedan, the son, of Geedoni, and 35,400 people.
"All of Ephraim's camp was 108,100.16 They traveled third.
"Dan's camp flew its flag on the north side. Their president was Achee'ezer, the son of Ameeshadai. There were 62,700 of them.
“Asher camped with them. President: Pagee'el, the son of Achran. Count: 41,500. Naphtali was also with them, along with President Acheera, the son of Eynan, and 53,400 men. All of Dan's camp was 157,600.17 They traveled last."
That’s it! All together, there were 603,550 dudes just waiting to bro out.18
The Levis were not counted with the rest, just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
The sons of Yisrael did everything Yehovah commanded Moshe. They camped by their flags and traveled according to their families and their fathers' houses.
4: In which we are reminded who Aharon’s family is
[Leviticus 3:1-3:4]
These are the descendants of Aharon and Moshe on the day Yehovah talked to Moshe on Mount Seenai.
Aharon’s sons were:
Those were Aharon's sons, the Koehins, who were anointed and had their hands filled to Kohein. Nadav and Aveehu died in front of Yehovah when they brought Him weird fire in the Seenai desert.21 They didn't have any sons. Elazar and Eetamar koheined just right up in their father’s face.
5: In which God does something that is not at all nice, but he makes it sound nice anyway
[Leviticus 3:5-3:39]
"Bring the Levis to Aharon the Kohein," Yehovah said to Moshe. "And have them stand in front of him so they can serve him. They’ll work in the Sanctuary and take care of the service for everyone. They’ll also be in charge of the Tent of Witnessing’s tools. You’ll give the Levis to Aharon and his sons. They belong to him.”
"Also, I will appoint Aharon and his sons to keep the Koheinship. Any normal man who comes near them must die.
"You see, instead of taking every firstborn wombopener, I’ve made the Levis mine. All the firstborns belong to me.22 From the day I smacked down every firstborn in the land of Mitzrayim, I sanctified every firstborn in Yisrael, from man to beast, to me.
"I am Yehovah.
"Count every male Levi one month old and up by their father's houses and their families.”
Moshe counted them, just like Yehovah's lips commanded.
These were there names:
Gershon
Livni
Shimi
Kehat
Amram
Yitzhar
Chevron
Ooziel
Merari
Machli
Mushy23
There were 7,500 boys over a month old in the Gershon family. They camped west of the Sanctuary. Their president was Elyasaf, the son of La'el. They were in charge of the Tent of Witnessing, the Sanctuary, the tent, the cover, the screen door to the Tent of Witnessing,24 the hangings of the courtyard, the screendoor to the courtyard (that's around the Sancutary and the altar), and everything that had to do with their work.
The Kehat family had 8,600 boys over a month old doing their holy work. They camped by the south side of the Sanctuary. Their president was Elitzaphan, the son of Ooziel. They were in charge of the ark, the table, the candelabra, the altars, all their holy tools, the cover, and everything that had to do with that stuff.
Since Elazar, the son of Aharon, was the top Kohein president, he oversaw all their work.
The Merari family had 6,200 little boys. Their president was Tzooriel, the son of Aveechayeel. They camped on the north of the sanctuary. They were in charge of the walls of the Sanctuary, its bars, its pillars, its sockets, and all their tools and work, all the pillars around the courtyard, their sockets, their pins, and their cords.25
Moshe, Aharon, and their sons camped just to the east of the Tent of Witnessing, guarding the Sanctuary and all the sons of Yisrael.
Any weirdo that came had to die.26
There were 22,00 Levis who were over a month old.
6: In which God is weird
[Number 3:40-3:51]
"Count all the firstborn sons in the Sons of Yisrael who are one month or older," Yehovah said to Moshe,27 "and make the Levis and their animals mine instead of all the firstborn boys and animals in Yisrael.
Moshe counted like Yehovah commanded him. There were 22,273 first born boys over a month old.
"Take the Levis and their animals," Yehovah said to Moshe, "instead of the firstborn sons and animals of Yisrael. They will be my Levis. I am Yehovah.28
"Now, here's how you have to deal with redeeming the remainder of 273 you get when subtracting the Levis from the firstborns.29 Take 5 holy shekels for each extra one. A shekel is 20 gerahs. Given them to Aharon and their sons to redeem the leftover."
Moshe took 1,365 holy shekels in redemption money for the remainder of the firstborn. He gave it to Aharon and his sons, by Yehovah's lips.
Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
7: In which God assigns more work
[Leviticus 4:1-4:16]
"Count the number of men between 30-50 in the Kehat family who can join the crew working in the Tent of Witnessing," Yehovah said to Moshe and Aharon. “Now I’m going to tell you what the sons of Kehat will do. They are in charge of the Holy of Holies.
"When the camp travels, Aharon and his sons will take down the screen and cover the ark of Witness. They'll put a dolphin-skin cover over it, wrap a turquoise sheet around it, and put the staffs under it.
"They'll put a turquoise cloth over the Face Table, and put the plates, the pans, the bowls, the jars for pouring, and the eternal bread on top. Then, they'll cover it with a scarlet cloth, and then cover that with a cover of dolphin skin, and put the staffs under it.
"They'll cover the candelabra, its candles, its tongs, its snuffdishes, and all the oiltools used for it with a turquoise cloth, wrap it all in dolphin skins, and put it on a rod.
"They'll spread a turquoise cloth over the gold altar to cover it, then cover that with a dolphin skin cloth, then put the staffs on it. They'll take all the service tools used for the Holy, put a turquoise cloth over them, cover them with dolphin skin, and put them on a bar. They'll wrap the ashes of the altar in a scarlet cloth. They'll put all the tools used for its service on top, the firepans, the fleshooks, the shovels, the basins, all the tools of the altar, wrap them in dolphin skin, and put staffs on it.
"When Aharon and his sons have finished wrapping up the Holy and all the tools of the holy, the sons of Kehat will carry it all. They won't touch the holy or they'll die. That's what the sons of Kehat will do! Elazar, the son of Aharon, the Kohein will do the work of the oil of the light and the smokey incense, the meal offering, and the oil of anointing, the work of all the Sanctuary in the holy and its tools.”
8: In which I don’t even know
[Numbers 4:17-4:19]
"Don't cut off the Kehat crew off from the rest the Levis," Yehovah said to Moshe and Aharon, "this is what you should do to them so they will live and not die when they go into the Holy of Holies: Aharon and his sons will come and every one will put the man on their work and they will not see the covered stuff in the holy and die."30
Surprise! We have an army now!
Cue 1990s Chicago Bulls entrance music.
That’s an incredibly goofy name.
Do you think they made the women gather even though they definitely wouldn’t be counted? PROBABLY.
All in one day!
Oddly, when I counted up all the numbers previously mentioned, it only came to 568,150, which is 35,400 off. Obviously, when this was written, Jewish accountants had not yet exerted their dominance.
There were too many jeans to handle.
Asking the most obnoxious rhetorical question ever.
Not sure why that means they’re not counted...
Hmm kinda out of nowhere with the death penalty.
God has some serious rage issues triggered by his OCD.
Gotta make them feel special somehow.
Oh jeez, we’re doing this again, huh?
The math is right this time! Mazel tov!
Yes! It’s correct again!
Accurate!
Again, accurate! What was the problem last chapter?
And that works! WEIRD.
Dead.
Also, dead.
Sheesh. Thanks for bringing THAT up.
Wait, but you just said…
Look, I’ve tried to hold back that this is an extraordinarily silly name.
Hell yeah screen door crew.
Bo-ring!
I think Studio 54 had the same rule.
Jeez, this guy’s worse than The Count.
Literally just said that.
OMG SERIOUSLY.
Sure!