Week 33: When He Lights
In which God starts designing things again
Gosh, what a book!
Who knew the Bible had so many instructions about things that are now irrelevant? I guess a lot of people.
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
3: When He Lights
18: In which God gives some lighting instructions
[Numbers 8:1-8:4]
"Tell Aharon," Yehovah said to Moshe, "when he lights the lamps, they should shine on the front of the candelabra."1
Aharon lit the candles on the front of the candelabra.
Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
The candelabra, its base, and its flowers were made of beaten gold. It looked the way Yehovah told them it should look.2
They made the candelabra.
19: In which God describes how to bathe people
[Numbers 8:5-8:22]
"Clean the Levis!” Yehovah said to Moshe. “This is how:3 sprinkle the sin water on them, shave their whole bodies, and make them wash their clothes. Then they'll be clean!4
"They will take a young bull along with its meal offering (fine flour mixed up with oil) and a second young bull, for the sin-offering. Have the Levis bring all that stuff to the Tent of Witnessing. Get everyone! Bring the Levis right in front of Yehovah.5 The sons of Yisrael will put their hands on the Levis.6 Aharon will do a waving of the Levis in front of Yehovah and they’ll be ready to do Yehovah’s work.
"The Levis will put their hands on the bulls' heads and make one bull the sin-offering and the other the ola to Yehovah to atone for themselves. You'll stand the Levis before Aharon and his sons. You'll make a waving of them to Yehovah. You'll separate the Levis from within the sons of Yisrael. They'll be my Levis.7
"After that, the Levis will work in the Tent of Witnessing. You'll clean them and do a waving on them. Because they are given completely to me from within the sons of Yisrael in place of the firstborn wombbreakers from the sons of Yisrael. I've taken them for me.
"I will take the Levis instead of every firstborn son of Yisrael.8
"You'll give the Levis to Aharon and his sons to work in the Tent of Witnessing and to atone on the sons of Yisrael. There won't be a plague on the sons of Yisrael when they go to the holy."9
Moshe, Aharon, and the whole Yisrael crew did it to the Levis.10 Everything Yehovah commanded to Moshe. The sons of Yisrael did it to the Levis.11
The Levis sinned and/or purified themselves, cleaned their clothes, and Aharon did a waving for them before Yehovah. Aharon atoned on them to clean them.
After that, the Levis came to do the work of the Tent of Witnessing. Aharon and his sons watched them.
Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe about the Levis.
20: In which God sets age limits
[Numbers 8:23-8:26]
"OK, about the Levis," Yehovah said to Moshe, "when they turn 25, they'll join the crew that works in the Tent of Witnessing.12 They’ll retire when they hit 50.13 When they retire, they won’t work anymore. But they will oversee their brothers in the Tent of Witnessing.
"That's what the Levis will do and stuff."
21: In which God talks about his friggin’ holidays
[Numbers 9:1-9:14]
"The sons of Yisrael have to do the Pasach at the right time," Yehovah said to Moshe in the Seenai Desert in first month of the second year after they left Mitzrayim, "On the 14th day of this month, between the evenings, it’s Pesach time! Time for all its rules and decrees!"
"Do a Pasach!" Moshe said to the sons of Yisrael.14
On the 14th day of the month, between the evenings, in the Seenai Desert, the first Pesach happened. The sons of Yisrael did everything Yehovah commanded Moshe.
There were a bunch of guys who were yucky from dead people who couldn't do the Pesach on that day. So, they came to Moshe and Aharon.15
"We're yucky from dead people,” they said. “Why do we have to be separated and miss out on doing this awesome sacrifice at its special time? "
"Chill here for a minute," Moshe said to them. "I'm gonna go find out what Yehovah wants."
"Tell the sons of Yisrael," Yehovah said to Moshe, "that if a man is yucky from a dead body or he's really far away from camp, he should do his Pesach to Yehovah between the evenings on the 14th day of the second month. He should eat it on matzos and bitters. He can't leave anything until the morning and not break any bones, yadda yadda yadda, all the other rules of the Pesach.
"However, if a guy is clean and not on a journey and he doesn’t do the Pesach, cut him out of your nation. Because he didn’t bring a Yehovah offering on time. This man sinned.
"If a stranger who lives with you makes the Pesach to Yehovah, he should follow the rules and decrees of the Pesach. It's one rule for all of you, the stranger and the guest in the land."
22: In which we learn about how the crew traveled
[Numbers 9:15-9:23]
When the sanctuary was built, a cloud would cover it and the Tent of Witnessing during the day. In the evening, some kinda firey thing would descend on the Sanctuary until morning. This would happen every day: cloud in the daytime, and the pillar of fire at night. But if the cloud lifted from on the tent, the sons of Yisrael would travel. And wherever the cloud stopped, they’d camp. The sons of YIsrael camped and traveled by Yehovah’s mouth. As long as the cloud rested on the sanctuary, they kept camping. The cloud could sit on the Sanctuary for a pretty long time and the sons of Yisrael would stay put and watch Yehovah.
As long as the cloud sat on the Sanctuary, on Yehovah’s mouth, Yisrael camped.16 If the cloud rose in the morning, they traveled. It didn’t matter if it was day or night. If the cloud rose, they traveled. Whether two days, a month, or a year, when the cloud rested on the Sanctuary, the sons of Yisrael stayed put. And when it rose, they traveled. They camped by Yehovah's mouth and traveled by Yehovah mouth. They watched Yehovah, by Yehovah's mouth in Moshe's hand.17
23: In which God designs some musical instruments
[Numbers 10:1-10:10]
"Beat two trumpets out of silver," Yehovah said to Moshe, "and use them to call the phalanx and to announce travel time. When you blow on them, everyone will gather near the entrance of the Tent of Witnessing. If only one horn is blown, the presidents, the heads of the groups of Yisrael, will gather.18 When you blow a long blast, the east camps will travel forward. On the second blast, the south camps will move. You'll sound the horn to signal travel time. When you gather the congregation, you'll blow, but it won't be a blasting.19
"The sons of Aharon, the Koheins, will blow on the trumpets. This will be an eternal decree forever.20
"War! When it comes to your land! When the enemy attacks! Sound the trumpets! Yehovah your Elohim will remember you and you'll triumph over your enemies.
"On your happy days, your holidays, and on the firsts of the month, blow the trumpets over your ola and your peace-offering. They will be a remembrance before your Elohim. I am Yehovah, your Elohim."
24: In which it’s time to go!
[Numbers 10:11-10:28]
On the 20th day of the second month of the second year, the cloud rose from the Sanctuary of Witnessing. The sons of Yisrael traveled from the Seenai Desert. The cloud rest in the Paran Desert. This was their first journey by the mouth of Yehovah by the hand of Moshe.
Yehudah went first, led by Nachson, the son of Aminadav.21
Netanel, the son of Tzuar, led Yisaschar.
Eliav, the son of Cheylon, led the sons of Zevulun.
They took down the sanctuary and traveled with the sons of Gerhson and the sons of Merari, carriers of the Sanctuary.
Reuven traveled by their crews, led by Elitzur, the son of Shdeiur. Shloomiel, the son of Tzurishadai, led Shimon. Elyasaph, the son of D'ooel led God. The Kehat folks, carrying the sanctuary, traveled with them, and set up the sanctuary when they arrived.
Ephraim traveled, led by Elishama the son of Amihood. Gamliel, the son of P'datzur, led Menashe. Avidan, the son of Gidoni, led Binyamin.
Traveling under the flag of Dan! At the back of all the camps! Leader: Ache'ezer, the son of Ameeshadai. Leading the sons of Asher: Pagee'el, the son of Achran. Leading the sons of Naphtali: Acheera, the sons of Eynan.
These are the travels of the sons of Yisrael, by their groups.
They traveled.
25: In which there is a confusing interlude
[Numbers 10:29-10:36]
"We're going to the place Yehovah told us he’d give us,” Moshe said to Chovav, the son of his groom Re'uel.22 "If you come with us and I'll be nice to you, because Yehovah promised he’d give us cool stuff."
"I'm not going," he said. "Because I'm going home."
"Please don't leave us," Moshe said. "You know how to camp in the desert.23 You can be our eyes. You'll go with us and whatever good Yehovah does to us will happen to you."
They went a three-day journey from Mount Yehovah, the box of the Yehovah Treaty carried in front of them, to find some rest. The cloud of Yehovah was on them during the day when they traveled from camp.
When the box traveled, Moshe said "Get up, Yehovah, and chase away your enemies, send your haters from your face."
When it rested, he said "Come back, Yehovah, to the tens of thousands of Yisrael."
26: In which God overreacts, yet again
[Numbers 11:1-11:35]
The people were a bunch of whiners. Yehovah’s ears did not like it. He heard and his anger burned. Yehovah's fire descended on the camp, devouring everything.
"Moshe," the people screamed to Moshe, "Pray to Yehovah and stop the fire!"
They called that place "Tavera" because Yehovah's fire burned there.
That weird group that traveled with them missed food so bad. Even the sons of Yisrael sat down and cried.
"Who will feed us meat?" they said. "We remember the fish we used to eat in Mitzrayim for free! And the cucumbers! The watermelons! The leeks! The onions! The garlic! Now our souls are dry because have nothing but the maan."
The maan was like coriander and looked like bdellium.
The nation went out and collected it and ground it in mills or smashed it in mortars, cooked it in pots, and made it into cakes. It tasted like an oil cake.
When the dew fell on the camp at night, the maan fell on it.
Moshe heard the nation crying to their families at the entrances to their tents. Yehovah got firey angry. This looked bad to Moshe.
"Why were you so bad to your slaves?" Moshe said to Yehovah. "Why do you hate me so much that you made me deal with it? Did I alone conceive and give birth to this whole nation? Did you tell me to carry them in my bosom like a nursing mother carrying a suckling child to the land you swore to their fathers?24 Do I have meat to give them? They cry to me, saying 'Give us meat so we can eat it!' I can't deal with these people alone! It's too much for me! If you're going to be like this with me, just kill me so I don't have to see how terrible I am."25
“Gather 70 men for me from the elders of Yisrael," Yehovah said to Moshe, "who you know are elders of the nations and officers. Take them to the Tent of Witnessing and they'll stand there with you. I'll come down and talk to you there. I'll take some of the spirit on you and put it on them. They'll carry the burden of the nation with you so you don't have to carry it alone. Say this to the people:
"'Sanctify yourselves for tomorrow, and eat meat! You have cried into the ears of Yehovah saying, "who will feed us meat? They were good to us in Mitzrayim!" Yehovah will give you meat! And you will eat it!
“'You won't eat it for one day! Or two! Or five days! Or ten! Or twenty! You'll eat meat for a month! Until it comes out of your nose! And you’ll think it's gross! Because you've turned against the Yehovah within you! And you cried in front of him, saying "Why were taken out of Mitzrayim?"'"26
"You’re talking about six hundred thousand men,” Moshe said to Yehovah. “And you're saying they'll eat meat for a month? If they slaughter all the flocks and herds, will it be enough for them? Or all the fish of the sea?"
"Did Yehovah's hand get shorter?" Yehovah said to Moshe. "You'll see what I said happen. Or you won't."
Moshe went out and told the nation what Yehovah said. He gathered 70 men from the elders of the nation and stood them around the tent.
Yehovah came down in a cloud and talked to him and took some of the spirit on him and gave it to the 70 old men. When the spirit rested on them, they prophesized, but just for one day.
Two men stayed in the camp. One was Eldad and the other was Meidad. The spirit rested on them. They were people who wrote stuff. They didn't go out to the tent. Instead, they prophesized in the camp.
The little boy ran to Moshe.
"Eldad and Meidad!" he said. "Are prophesizing in the camp!"
"Moshe, my lord," Yehosha, the son of Nun, lieutenant of Moshe's lads, said, "stop them."27
"Are you jealous for me?" Moshe said to him. "You’re worried Yehovah might give his spirit to everyone and make them prophets?"
Moshe gathered the elders to the camp. Yehovah passed a mighty wind and brought quail from the sea, making them fall on the camp, a day's journey on each side all around the camp, in piles two amahs high. The nation was up that whole day and night and the whole next day collecting the quail. The smallest collected gathered ten piles and they spread them out around the camp. At the moment the meat was between their teeth, just before they chewed, Yehovah got mad and angry at the nation so he struck them real hard with a plague.
They called that place "Kivrot Hata'avah," because that's where the nation buried the people who wanted things.28
They traveled from Kivrot Hata'avah to Chatzerot and stayed there.
27: In which Moshe’s siblings talk some shit
[Numbers 12:1-12:16]
Miriam and Aharon talked some shit about Moshe about the Kushi woman he took as his. Because he took a Kushi woman as his woman.29
"Did Yehovah only speak with Moshe?" they said. "Didn't he also speak with us?"
Yehovah heard.
That Moshe guy was more humble than anyone else on the face of the planet.
"The three of you!" Yehovah suddenly said to Moshe, Aharon, and Miriam. "Get to the Tent of Witnessing!"
They went.
Yehovah came down in a pillar of cloud and stood in the entrance to the tent.
"Aharon and Miriam!" Yehovah called.
They walked outside.
"Listen to what I'm saying," Yehovah said. "If you have a prophecy, Yehovah will come to you in a vision. I speak to you in a dream.30 But not my slave Moshe. He's the most trusted in my house. I speak to him mouth to mouth.31 I will appear to him. Not in visions or in a picture of Yehovah. Why weren't you afraid to talk shit about my slave Moshe?"
Yehovah's anger burned against them and he left. The cloud lifted the tent and Miriam was covered in plague in tzara'at like snow. Aharon turned to Miriam. HOLY FUCK! She was a metzora.
"Please, my lord," Aharon said to Moshe, "don't sin against us like we've stupidly done to you. Don't let her be like a dead one who, after he comes out of his mother's womb, half his skin is eaten."
"El!" Moshe cried out to Yehovah, "please, please heal her!"
"If her father had spit in her face," Yehovah said to Moshe, "wouldn't she hide in shame for seven days?32 Let her shut herself out outside the camp for seven days, and after, go get her."
Miriam was locked up outside the camp for seven days. The nation didn't move until Miriam came back.
After, the nation traveled from Chatzerot and camped in the Paran Desert.33
Where else would they shine?
He’d totally have killed them otherwise.
You never wash Levis! You put them in the feezer!
I feel like the clothes-washing is the most important part.
Huddle up!
That’s a lot of hands.
My sweet little Levis.
We already covered this!
But all other times, totally plague time.
What did they do?
They sure did!
It said 30 earlier but whatever.
That’s wayyyy under the Social Security age.
They were all very confused because they had no idea what that meant.
Who were extremely grossed out.
It ain’t the Bible if it doesn’t repeat itself for no reason.
This is the phrase “al pi Adonai beyad Moshe,” which is said during services when the Torah is raised, to create a sentence that says the Torah was written by Yehovah’s mouth in Moshe’s hand. But the phrase is actually about when they traveled, not about the writing of the Torah! Oops?
Literally whenever you want them.
Sure.
Or just until you get to C’naan.
Oh jeez. Here we go.
Aww, how cute. They totally thought they would get there in under 40 years.
I mean, they’ve been doing it for a year. They should have the hang of it by now.
Jeez.
JEWISH. MOM.
Oh my god.
Release the lads.
You see what happens when you want things?
The Bible repeats this to remind us that they’re fucking racist.
Literally the opposite of what's happening right now.
Ew.
Is that a thing that happens?
Why not Aharon?