Are you ready for a tragedy?
This just sucks!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
4: Send Out
28: In which the people do some scouting and it goes very poorly
[Numbers 13:1-14:45]
"Send one president from each tribe to scope out the land of C'na'an that I'm going to give to the sons of Yisrael," Yehovah said to Moshe.1
Moshe followed Yehovah’s directions and sent leaders of the sons of Yisrael from the Desert of Paran. They were:
Shamuah, the son of Zakur, from Reuven
Shaphat, the son of Chori, from Shimon
Yigal, the son of Yoseph, from Yisaschar
Hoshe'a, the son of Nun, from Ephraim
Palti, the son of Raphu'a, from Binyamin
Gadiel, the son of Sodi, from Zevulun
Gadi, the son of Suessi, from Menashe (and also Yoseph)2
Amiel, the son of G'mali, from Dan
S'tur, the son of Micha'el, from Asher
Vafso, the son of Nachbi, from Naphtali
G'u'el, the son of Machi, from God
Moshe called Hoshe’a, the son of Nun, "Yehoshua."3 He sent them all to reconnoiter the land of Cna'an.4
"Go to the south and get up on the mountain," he said, "and look at the land. What is it? Is it good? Is it bad?5 And the nation that lives there! Are they strong? Are they weak? Are there a lot of them? Or a few?6 What about the land they live in? Is it good? Is it bad? What are their cities like? Do they live in camps or in fortresses? Is the land fat? Or is it lean? Does it have trees? Or not? Also, be brave, and get some of their fruit."7
It was the days of the first grapes when the scouting crew went up and spied on the land from the Desert of Tzin. They traveled until Rchov, coming to Chamat. Then, they went up in the south and got to Chevron. Achiman, Sheishai, and Talmai, the children of the Anak, were there. Chevron was built seven years before Tzoan in Mitzrayim.8
They got to Nachal Eshkol and cut down a vine with a cluster of grapes on it that had to be carried on a rod by two people.9 Also, they took some pomegranates and figs.10 The place was called "Nachal Eshkol" because of the cluster of grapes the sons of Yisrael took from there.11
After 40 days, they came back. They returned to the Desert of Paran in Kadesh and reported to Moshe, Aharon, and all the sons of Yisrael. Also, they showed them the fruits they took.
"Oh, we went to the land," they said, "and it's definitely flowing with milk and honey. Check out this fruit! But the nation that lives there is pretty fucking strong and the cities have big fortifications. Also we saw the Anak people there. Amalek is living in the south in the land. The Chiti and the Yevusi and the Emori live in the mountain and the C'naani live on the sea next to the Yarden."
Kalev stood by Moshe and quieted the nation.
"Let us go and take it!" Kalev said. "We can do anything!"12
"We can't overcome this nation," the other spies said, "because they are stronger than we are." They defamed the land they spied on in front of all of Yisrael.13
"The land we went to spy," they said, "is a land that eats its inhabitants. Everyone we saw there is of a pretty darned big. We saw the Nephilim there.14 The sons of Anak are from the Nephilim. We look like grasshoppers compared to them."15
That night, everybody cried.16 They all complained to Moshe and Aharon.
"Why didn't we die in Mitzrayim?" the whole crew said. "So we don't die in this desert! Why did Yehovah take us to this land to fall to the sword and watch our women and children get taken as prisoners. It would be better to go back to Mitzrayim!"
"Let’s just fucking go back to Mitzrayim," they all said to each other.
Moshe and Aharon fell on their faces in front of everyone. Yehoshua, the son of Nun, and Kalev, the son of Yephuna, both spies, tore their clothes.17
“This land we spied on is a very very good land." they said to everyone. " If Yehovah likes us, he will take us there and give us this land flowing with milk and honey. Just don't piss him off! Don't be afraid of anybody there! We'll eat them like bread.18 They’ll have no protection! Yehovah will be with us. Don't be afraid!"
The nation said they'd throw stones at them. The glory of Yehovah appeared to all of the sons of Yisrael in the Tent of Witnessing.19
"Why do they keep throwing me away?" Yehovah said to Moshe. "They still don’t believe in me! I've given them so many signs! I'll hit them with a plague. I'll get rid of them and make you a great and massive nation."
“Ok, but if you do that,” Moshe said, "Mitzrayim, who you showed your strength to when you brought these people out, will tell everyone in this new land. They'll hear that you, Yehovah, are right in the middle of this nation, that your cloud stands over them, visible to everyone. Your cloud travels before us by day and a pillar of fire by night. If you kill every single man in this nation, everyone will hear.
"'Yehovah was too weak to bring this nation to the land he promised,' they'll say. 'so he just killed them all in the desert.'"
"Now! Increase your strength, my lord! Remember what you said to me!"
"'I am Yehovah,' you said, 'slow to anger, full of kindness, forgiving iniquity and errors, taking revenge and not taking revenge, visiting iniquity of fathers on sons in the third and fourth generations.'"20
"Please, use your great kindness and forgive the nation! Draw on the kindness you’ve been using from the time you took them from Mitzrayim until now!"
"I will do what you said," Yehovah said. "As long as I live and the glory of Yehovah fills the land, none of the people who have seen my honor and the signs I made in Mitzrayim and in the desert—those who have tested me these ten times and haven't heard my voice—will see the land I swore to their fathers.21 No one who turned on me will see it! My slave Kalev had a different spirit in him and followed me. I'll bring him to the land and his descendants will inherit it. The Amalekites and the C'naani live in the valleys. Tomorrow, turn and go to the desert by way of the Reed Sea."
"How much longer will these awful people keep complaining about me?" Yehovah said to Moshe and Aharon.22 "I've heard the complaints of the sons of Yisrael. This is what you should say to them:"
"'I live,' Yehovah said, 'I will do what you've said to my ears. Your corpses will fall in this desert. Everyone 20 and over who complained about me will die. None of you will come to the land I'm taking you to except Kalev the son of Yephunah and Yehoshua the son of Nun. The children who you said would be booty will be taken to the land you turned away from. And your corpses will be left in this desert. Your sons will wander in this desert for 40 years and carry your unfaithfulness until the last of your corpses is rotting here.23 A year for every one of the 40 days you spied on the land. You'll carry your iniquity for 40 years, and you'll know what happens when you oppose me. I am Yehovah and this is what I've said I'd do to this horrible people who go against me. They'll all die in this desert.’”
The men Moshe sent to spy on the land who spread bad news about the land through the nation all died by plague before Yehovah.24 Yehoshua, the son of Nun, and Kalev, the son of Yehphunah, lived.
Moshe said these words to the sons of Yisrael and they all mourned a lot. They got up in the morning and went on the top of the mountain.
"Here we are! We'll go up to the place Yehovah talked about because we sinned!" they said.
"Why did you go against Yehovah's word?" Moshe said. "This won't work! Don't go up! Yehovah is not within you and won't chase away your enemies. The Amaleks and the C'naan there in front of you will cut you down with the sword because you've turned from following after Yehovah and Yehovah is not with you."
They kept going up to the top of the mountain, but without the ark of the Covenant of Yehovah or Moshe. The Amaleks and the C'naani who lived on the mountain came down and blew them away at Charmah.25
29: In which God explains his weird obsessive sacrifice requirements again
[Numbers 15:1-15:16]
"Go tell the sons of Yisrael," Yehovah said to Moshe, "that when they get to the country I'm giving them to live in, they should make an offering to Yehovah, either an ola or a regular one, to fulfill a vow or a promise or whenever to make a nice smell to Yehovah from the flocks or herds.26 The person who brings the sacrifice to Yehovah will bring a meal-offering of a tenth of fine flour mixed up with a quarter-hin of oil. Also, a quarter-hin of wine for a pouring over the ola or regular for one sheep.27
“If it's a ram, you make a meal-offering of two-tenths fine flour mixed up with a third of a hin of oil. Also, a third-hin of wine to pour over the offering to make a nice smell for Yehovah.
"If he's bringing a male bull as his ola or offering to fulfill a promise or a peace offering to Yehovah, he'll bring a meal-offering of three tenths of fine flour mixed with half a hin of oil. The wine for pouring will also be half a hin and it'll make a nice smell for Yehovah.
"You will do this for every ox, ram, sheep, or goat, no matter how many you bring. Everyone will do this when they make an offering, to make a nice smell for Yehovah.
"If a stranger lives among you or with you for generations makes an offering to make a nice smell for Yehovah, this is what he'll do. There is one law for the congregation, for you and the stranger. This is an eternal decree for generations because you are strangers before Yehovah.28 There is one law and one decree for you and for the stranger who lives with you."
30: In which there are still more rules for something that won’t happen for 40 years
[Numbers 15:17-15:31]
"Tell the sons of Yisrael," Yehovah said to Moshe, "When you get to that there land I'm taking you to, and you eat the bread of the land, you have to give a tribute to Yehovah. Raise the first of your baking as a tribute to Yehovah because it's like the tribute you leave from the threshing. Give the first breads as tribute to Yehovah for generations.
"If you make a mistake and don't do all of the commandments Yehovah said to Moshe, everything Yehovah commanded you by the hand of Moshe from the day Yehovah commanded and on through the generations, this is what happens.29 If the congregation sees the thing as a mistake, the whole nation will bring a bull as a nice smell to Yehovah along with its meal-offering and make it according to its rules. Also, a he-goat as a sin-offering. The Kohein will atone over everyone and I'll forgive them for the mistake. They'll bring their sacrifices and their sin-offerings to Yehovah for their mistakes. The whole phalanx of the sons of Yisrael and the stranger who lives with them will be forgiven because it was a mistake.
"If one soul transgresses by accident, he'll bring a year-old she-goat as a sin-offering. The Kohein will atone on the mistaken soul who sinned by mistake before Yehovah and he'll be forgiven. The person from the sons of Yisrael and the stranger who lives among them have the same rules for what to do if they make a mistake.
"The soul who does it with a raised hand, whether in the people or a stranger, who rebels against Yehovah, will be cut off from the people. Because he rejected the word of Yehovah in this and his commandments, his soul is cut off and he bears his iniquity.”
31: In which the entire nation joins together in unity to kill some guy
[Numbers 15:32-15:36]
Once, the sons of Yisrael were in the desert and they found a man collecting branches on the fucking Shabbos day. The people who found him brought him before Moshe, Aharon, and everyone else. They put him under watch because they didn't know what to do with him.
"This man must die," Yehovah said to Moshe. "The whole phalanx must stone him to death outside the camp."
The whole camp dragged him outside the camp and stoned him to death.30
Just like Yehovah commanded Moshe.
32: In which there’s a random rule for some reason
[Numbers 15:37-15:41]
"Tell the sons of Yisrael," Yehovah said to Moshe, "to make tzitzit on the corners of their clothes for generations. They should put a turquoise thread on the tzitzit. It will be your tzitzit. You'll see it and remember all the commandments of Yehovah and you'll do them and not turn toward your heart and eyes and be a bunch of whores. You'll always remember and do all my commandments and be holy to your Elohim. I am Yehovah your Elohim who took you out of the land of Mitzrayim to be your Elohim.31
“I am Yehovah, your Elohim."32
Remember. This is all Yehovah’s idea. Keep that in mind the whole time.
In case you forgot.
Just a little pet name.
Without spellcheck, there is literally no way I would’ve spelled “reconnoiter” correctly.
Let’s find out!
Gosh, I really hope they’re taking notes.
The bravest of all biblical acts: getting fruit.
Huh?
Those are some big grapes.
Normal-sized. Just a few.
“Nachal” meaning river or valley and “eshkol” meaning grape cluster. You really should’ve seen the grape stuff coming when they got there.
We’re young and crazy!
Show, don’t tell, bible.
OH SHIT THOSE GUYS! FROM THE FIRST BOOK!
Well, then they just need Mr. Miyagi!
Just like the REM song!
Oh I guess now everyone’s calling him Yehoshua.
Pretty lame metaphor. But I guess it had been a while since they’d seen any food, so their imagery was limited.
Meaning more than a million people saw God.
Throwing it right back in his face!
Ten times? I feel like we missed something.
Yehovah does not love his chosen people.
That’s pretty frightfully vivid!
That was fast.
Well, that was a bummer.
Who cares?
God has no chill.
Once again, very much not forever.
It’s starting to seem like God spends more time warning what’ll happen if you don’t keep his commandments than giving his actual commandments.
Wow what a cool story.
Something about seeing everyone stone a guy to death made God remember about this rule he forgot to give.
Yehovah has some serious abandonment issues, making the sons of Yisrael wear friendship shirts at all times.