This is probably my favorite one
It might because it’s my Bar Mitzvah parsha. So, yes, I’m biased.
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
5: Korach
33: In which there is a slight rebellion
[Numbers 16:1-17:5]
Korach, son of Yitzhar, son of Kehat, son of Levi, along with Datan and Aviram, sons of Eliav, and On son of Pelet, from Reuven, got real mad. Along with 250 men from the sons of Yisrael, presidents of the phalanx—even men of great names!—they stood up to Moshe and Aharon.1
"This is too much!" these men said. "The whole phalanx is holy and has Yehovah within them! Why do you get to be in charge?"
Moshe heard and fell on his face.2
"In the morning," Moshe said to Korach and his whole crew, "Yehovah will make it known who is holy and has been chosen to be near him. Korach, all you other jerks, this is what you’ll do: take fire pans and put fire and incense in them before Yehovah tomorrow. The person Yehovah chooses will be the holy one. You're too much, sons of Levi!"
"Listen, sons of Levi," Moshe said to Korach. "Isn't it enough that the Elohim separated you from the rest of Yisrael and gave you all the Sanctuary work? He gave you and your brothers that much! Now you want the priesthood too? You and your whole group are rebelling against Yehovah. And what did Aharon do that you're complaining about him?"
Moshe sent for Datan and Aviram, sons of Eliav.
"We won’t go!" they said. "It’s not enough you took us out of a land flowing with milk and honey to die in the desert? You have to be in charge of us too? Even if you took us to a land flowing with milk and honey and gave us fields and vineyards, you should gouge out our eyes? We’re not coming come!"3
Moshe was pretty pissed.
"Don't listen to their nonsense!" Moshe said to Yehovah. "I haven't taken a single donkey from them or done anything bad to them."4
"Alright," Moshe said to Korach, "all of you, go in front of Yehovah with Aharon tomorrow. Everyone will take his fire pan and put incense in it and sacrifiice it to Yehovah. Bring two hundred and fifty fire pans, one for each man. And one for Aharon."
Each man took his fire pan, put fire and incense in it, and stood in the entrance of the Tent of Witness with Moshe and Aharon. Korach gathered his whole gang by the entrance of the Tent of Witnessing.
The honor of Yehovah appeared to the whole phalanx.5
"Uh, move away from these guys," Yehovah said to Moshe and Aharon. "cuz I’m about to mess them up."
Moshe and Aharon fell on their faces.
"El!" they said, "Elohim of the breath inside all meat! If one man sins, will the whole phalanx feel your wrath?"
"Tell everyone to get away from Korach, Datan, and Aviram’s houses," Yehovah said.
Moshe went to Datan and Aviram with the elders of Yisrael behind him.
"Move away from these bad people’s tents," he said to the nation. "Don't touch any of their stuff so you don't get punished for their sins."
They moved away from those houses.
Datan and Aviram stood near the entrances to their tents with their women, sons, and children.
"Now you will know that Yehovah sent me to do all of these things and I’m not just doing them because I feel like it," Moshe said. "If these guys die in a normal way, you will know I was not sent my Yehovah.6 But if Yehovah does a crazy thing and the ground opens its mouth and swallows them and everything they have and they fall into Sheol alive, you’ll know that these men have turned against Yehovah."7
As soon as he finished speaking, the ground below them cracked. It opened its mouth and swallowed them, their homes, all the men Korach had, and all his property. Still alive, they and everything they had fell into Sheol. The ground closed up over them and they were gone.8
"Don’t let the ground swallow us!" everyone around them cried out at once
A fire leapt out from Yehovah and ate the 150 men who brought the incense.
"Tell Elazar, the son of Aharon, the Kohein," Yehovah said to Moshe, "to pick up the fire pans from the burnt stuff and scatter the fire. Because they're holy now.9 The sins of the men who owned these pans cost them their lives. Beat them into plates to cover the altar because they were offered to Yehovah and became holy. This will be a sign to the sons of Yisrael."
Elazar the kohein took the bronze fire pans that were brought by the burnt people and beat them into covers for the altar as a remembrance for the sons of Yisrael so that no strange man who isn't from the seed of Aharon will ever come to give incense before Yehovah. And they shouldn't be like Korach and his crew.
Just like Yehovah said by the hand of Moshe.
34: In which there’s a plague anyway
[Numbers 17:6-17:15]
Every single one of the sons of Yisrael complained to Moshe and Aharon the next day.10
"You killed Yehovah's nation!" they said, gathered at the Tent of Witnessing. The cloud covered the tent and Yehovah’s honor appeared.
Moshe and Aharon came to the entrance.
“Get away from these people so I can destroy them so fast!" Yehovah said to Moshe.11
They fell on their faces.
"Take the fire pan," Moshe said to Aharon, and put fire from the altar on it, then put incense on, and take it to the phalanx as fast as you can to atone for them. Yehovah’s wrath has gone out and a plague is starting."
Aharon did what Moshe said and ran to the middle of the congregation. A plague was starting in the nation. He put the incense on and atoned for the nation, standing between the dead and the living.
The plague stopped.
14,700 died in the plague, on top of those who died during the whole Korach thing.12
Aharon returned to Moshe.
The plague was over.
35: In which there’s another test to prove something or other
[Numbers 17:16-17:28]
"Tell the sons of Yisrael," Yehovah said to Moshe, "to take 12 staffs, one for each of their father's houses. Each man should write his name on the staff. Aharon's name should be written on the staff of Levi, because there is one staff for the head of each father's house. They should put them in the Tent of Witnessing in front of the testimony, in the place where I meet with you.
"I will make the staff of the man I've chosen flower. And, hopefully, they’ll stop complaining."13
Moshe spoke with the sons of Yisrael and they gave a staff to each of the presidents of the fathers' houses. 12 staffs. Aharon's staff was mixed in with them. Moshe put the staffs in the tent before Yehovah.
The next day, Moshe came to the Tent of Witnessing and OH MY GAWD! Aharon's staff, from the house of Levi, was flowering! A flower came out! And blossoms! And almonds!
Moshe brought the staff out from in front of Yehovah and showed them to all of Yisrael. Each man saw his staff and took it.
"Leave Aharon's staff in front of the tent," Yehovah said to Moshe, "as a remembrance sign for the sons of Meri. They will stop complaining to me and won't die."14
Moshe did what Yehovah commanded.
"We're gonna die!" the sons of Yisreal said to Moshe. "Oh, we're lost. Lost! Anyone who goes near Yehovah's sanctuary will die! We're all gonna die!"15
36: In which the subject changes very abruptly
[Numbers 18:1-18:7]
"You and your sons and your father's house will bear the iniquity of the sanctuary and the priesthood.” Yehovah said to Aharon. “Also, all your brothers from the tribe of Levi will minister with you. They’ll do all the work of the Tent of Witnessing. No stranger will come near you. You'll take care of the holy and of the altar. I won’t be mad at the sons of Yisrael anymore.
"Haduken! I've taken your brothers the Levis from within the sons of Yisrael and made you like a present to Yehovah to work in the Tent of Witnessing. You and your sons will watch over your priesthood in all the things of the altar and the house of the screen door and you'll do the work, the gifted work I gave you with the priesthood.
"Any stranger that comes near you will die."
37: In which there’s more parceling out of jobs
[Numbers 18:8-18:24]
"SPACE JAM!" Yehovah said to Aharon. "You’re in charge of all of Yehovah’s holy tributes. My eternal decree consecrates it to you and your sons from their sacrifices, meal-offerings, sin-offerings, and shame-offerings. Every boy will eat it in the Holy of Holies.16 It’ll be holy to you. Everyone in your household who’s clean, sons and daughters, will eat it. Any extra fresh oil, fresh wine, or grain, their firsts that are given to Yehovah are yours. You get the firstborn of everything in the land the people bring.
“Every clean person in your house will eat it.17
"Anything dedicated in Yisrael belongs to you. Anything that busts open a womb from any living thing, if it’s brought to Yehovah, whether man or animal, is yours. But you'll redeem the firstborn human or yucky animal. The redemption price, from one month and up, in silver, is 5 holy shekels, which is 20 gerahs.18 But a firstborn bull or lamb or goat will not be redeemed because they are holy. Throw their blood on the altar and smoke up their fat to make a nice smell for Yehovah. Their meat will be yours, like the waving breast and the right thigh. Every holy tribute the sons of Yisrael raise to Yehovah is given to you, your sons, and your daughters with you. This is an eternal degree, a Salt Treaty forever before Yehovah, for you and for your descendants with you."19
"You won’t get any holdings in the land," Yehovah said to Aharon, "and you won't get a portion in it. I am your portion and your possession within the sons of Yisrael. LOOKOUT! The sons of Levi get all of Yisrael’s tithing in exchange for their work. That’ll count as their portion. No one else from the sons of Yisrael can go near the Tent of Witnessing or they'll sin and die. This is the Levi work. They'll carry their iniquity as an eternal decree for generation, and they won't have property within the sons of Yisrael. Because the tithing the sons of Yisrael raise to Yehovah is a tribute given to the Levis. That's why I've said that they don't get any possession within the sons of Yisrael."20
38: In which God gives some side rules just to Moshe for some reason
[Numbers 18:25-18:32]
"Tell the Levis," Yehovah said to Moshe, "they can take what gave them as their possession, but you’ll take a tenth of it as a tribute for Yehovah. Think of the tribute as the extra from the threshing floor or the overfill from the vat.21 Take it to Yehovah to Aharon the kohein. It's the sanctification. Tell them that when they take the extra, the Levis should consider it like the leftover from the threshing floor or the vat.22 Eat it anywhere you want because it's your reward for your work in the Tent of Witnessing.23 Don't bear sin on it when you take the extra from it and don't profane the holy stuff of the sons of Yisrael or you'll die."
That’s a lot of guys!
He was getting pretty tired of this shit.
This revolution sounds more like a synagogue board meeting.
What?
AGAIN. Get a new trick, Yehovah!
Seems like a weird thing to suddenly bring up.
Pretty specific method of death, Moshe!
Well, there you go.
Really didn’t need to do the whole thing with those pans, did they?
As always, it took FOREVER. It’s a lot of people!
These people really don’t learn their lesson.
I’m starting to think these people are as horrible as Yehovah says.
Ha! God thinks Jews will ever stop complaining.
Can’t complain if you’re dead!
Morale was low.
Sounds crowded.
No dirty people!
Of course.
I thought the salt treaty was about missiles.
Ugh, shut up, God.
And then TAKE IT.
OMG stahp.
Literally anywhere. You can eat it on a boat. You can eat it in a coat. You can eat it on a train. You can eat it in my brain!