Week 36: Decrees
In which there's some situation with a cow
Let’s get wild!
Let’s learn how to get clean in the dirtiest way possible!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
6: Decrees
39: In which there are some mad cow rules
[Numbers 19:1-19:22]
"These are the decrees Yehovah has commanded you," Yehovah said to Moshe,1 "tell the sons of Yisrael to take a pure unblemished red cow that has never worn a yoke. Bring it to Elazar the kohein. He'll take it out of the camp and slaughter it there. Then, he’ll stick his finger in its blood and spray it on the front of the entrance to the Tent of Witnessing seven times. Someone will burn the cow in front of him. Its skin and meat will be burnt on its shit.2 The kohein will take cedar, hyssop, and crimson thread and throw them into the burning cow.
"The kohein will clean his clothing and his body in water.3 After, he'll come to the camp. He is yucky until evening. The burner will also clean his clothes and himself in water and be yucky until evening. A clean man will collect the ashes of the cow and put it outside the camp for safekeeping. These ashes are for special water that you can sprinkle on things to make them clean. The collector will clean his clothes and be yucky until the evening. This will be an eternal decree to the sons of Yisrael and stranger who lives within them.4
"Anyone who touches a dead body is yucky for seven days. If he purifies himself on the third and seventh days, he'll become clean.
"Anyone who touches a dead body, doesn't clean himself, and then makes Yehovah's sanctuary yucky, his soul is cut off from Yisrael because you didn't sprinkle the water of cleaning on him. He's still yucky!
"If someone dies in the tent, boy have I got rules for that!
“Everyone who comes to the tent is yucky for 7 days. Any open vessel that wasn't tightly covered is yucky.5 Anyone who, in an open field, touches someone killed by a sword, a dead person, a human bone, or a grave, is yucky for seven days.6 They will take some burnt cow ashes and mix it in a vessel with fresh water. A pure man will dip hyssop in the water and sprinkle it on the tent, all the vessels, all the people who were there, and the man who touched a bone or a corpse or a dead body or a grave. The clean man will sprinkle the yucky stuff 7 times on the third day and the seventh day. He'll be clean on the seventh day and clean his clothes and himself and become clean in evening.
"If someone gets yucky and doesn't purify, his soul is cut off from the congregation because he made Yehovah's sanctuary yucky. The sprinkling purifying water wasn't thrown on him, so he's yucky.
"This will be an eternal decree for you. The sprinkler of the cleaning water will wash his clothes and be yucky until night. Anyone who touches the yucky man will be yucky and the person who touched him will be yucky until night."7
40: In which a character dies and there is a fight over water
[Numbers 20:1-20:13]
The whole crew got to the desert of Tzin in the first month. They settled in Kadesh.
Miriam died and was buried there.8
There was no water, so the people organized against Moshe and Aharon. They fought with Moshe.
"Why couldn't we die like the others did?" they said. "why did you bring us and our cattle out to die in this desert?9 Why did you take us out of Mitzrayim to bring us to this bad place? This is not a place of seeds or fig or grapes or pomegranates or water to drink."10
Moshe and Aharon backed off and fell on their faces in front of the Tent of Witnessing. They saw the honor of Yehovah, their Elohim.
"Take your stick," Yehovah said to Moshe, "and get the whole phalanx and your brother Aharon. Talk to the rock in front of them. It'll give you its water. You'll take water out of the stone and give it to the crew and their cattle to drink."
Moshe took the stick like Yehovah commanded. Moshe and Aharon gathered the congregation in front of the stone.11
"Listen up, dicks," Moshe said, "I'm going to get water from this stone for you."
Moshe hit the stone with his stick twice. A shit-ton of water came out and the phalanx and their cattle drank.
"You didn't believe me!" Yehovah said to Moshe and Aharon. "You made me look bad in front of everybody! As punishment, you won’t get to bring these people to the land I will give to them."12
These are the waters of Merivah, where the sons of Yisrael fought Yehovah and he was holy in them.13
41: In which there is a family reunion, sort of
[Numbers 20:14-20:21]
Moshe sent messengers from Kadesh to the king of Edom.
"Your brother Yisrael says you know all the troubles we've found, the messengers said.14 “Our fathers went down to Mitzrayim for a long-ass time. Mitzrayim was shitty to them so we called out to Yehovah, who heard our voices, and he sent a messenger and took us out of Mitzrayim. Now we're in Kadesh, a city within your borders. Let us pass through your land. We won't pass through any fields or vineyards or even drink from any of your wells. We'll go on the king's way. We won't turn left or right until we've left your borders."
"Don’t you dare come through here," Edom said to him, "or I will come out with the sword to meet you."
"We'll take the high road!" the sons of Yisrael said to him, "If anyone, even cattle, drinks your water, we'll pay the price. It's no big deal! Let us walk through."
"You shall not pass," he said.15 Edom came out to meet him with a heavy nation and a strong hand.
That's how Edom refused to let Yisrael pass through his borders. Yisrael turned away from him.
42: In which another major character dies
[Numbers 20:22-20:29]
The sons of Yisrael left Kadesh and came to Hor the Mountain.16
"Aharon will be gathered to his nation," Yehovah said to Moshe and Aharon17 at Hor the Mountain, near the border to Edom, "because he is definitely not going to the land I will give to the sons of Yisrael because you rebelled against my mouth at the waters of Meriva.18 Take Aharon and his son Elazar up Hor the Mountain. Strip Aharon of his clothing and dress his son Elazar in them. Aharon will be gathered and die there."
Moshe did what Yehovah commanded. They went up Hor the Mountain in front of the whole nation. Moshe stripped off Aharon's clothing and dressed Elazar, his son. Aharon died there, atop the mountain. Moshe and Elezar came down the mountain.
The whole nation saw that Aharon was gone. They cried over Aharon for 30 days, the whole house of Yisrael.19
43: In which there is an extremely brief fight
[Numbers 21:1-12:3]
The C'naani king of Arad, who lived in the south, heard that Yisrael came the way of the Ataris.20 He fought with Yisrael and took captives.
Yisrael swore a vow to Yehovah.
"If you give this nation to us, we will destroy its cities," they said.
Yehovah heard the voice of Yisrael and gave them the C'naani. Yisrael destroyed the C’naani cities.21
They called that place "Charma."22
44: In which there’s a weird thing with snake?
[Numbers 21:4-21:9]
They traveled from Hor the mountain by way of the Reed Sea, around the land of Edom, and got very impatient along the way.23
"Why did you take us out of Mitzrayim to die in the desert?" the nation said to Elohim and Moshe. "There’s no bread, no water, and we can’t freaking stand this crappy excuse for bread."24
Yehovah sent fire snakes that bit everyone and a whole lot of Yisrael died.
The nation rushed to Moshe.
"We sinned!" they said. “We spoke against you and Yehovah! Pray to Yehovah and take these snakes away from us!"25
Moshe prayed for the nation.
“Make a fire," Yehovah said to Moshe, "and put it on a miracle.26 HISSS!! Everyone who's been bit will see it and live."
Moshe made a brass snake and put it on the miracle. And if a snake bit a man and he looked at the brass snake, he lived.27
45: In which there is some traveling
[Numbers 21:10-21:16]
The sons of Yisrael traveled to Ovot and camped there.
They left Ovot and camped in Eyay avarim, in the desert next to Moav, toward where the sun rises.
From there, they traveled to Nachal Zared and camped.
From there, they traveled to the other side of the Arnon which is in the desert outside the border of the Emori and camped there. Because Arnon is around Moav, between Moav and the Emori. This is what the book of Yehovah's wars said about it: Vahev in Soopa and the valleys of Arnon, and the slope of the valleys that incline toward the seat of Ar and are near the border of Moav. From there to Be'er, where Yehovah said to Moshe, "gather up the nation and give them water."
46: In which there’s a freaking song
[Numbers 21:17-21:20]
This is the song Yisrael sang:
Come up, well! Answer us!28
The well was dug by ministers, delved by the masters of the nation, with the scepters and the staves, from the desert to Matana. From Matana to Nachliel and from Nachliel, Bamot, from Bamot to the valley in the field of Moav, the top of Pisgah that looks over the wasteland.
47: In which there’s some slightly more drawn-out fighting
[Numbers 21:21-22:1]
Yisrael sent messengers to Sichon, the king of the Emori.
"Let us pass through your land," they said. "We won't turn into any field or vineyard. We won’t even drink from your wells. We'll go on the king's road the entire time we’re in your borders."
Sichon did not let Yisrael through. Instead, Sichon got his whole country together and went out to step to Yisrael in the desert. When they got to Yahatz, they fought with Yisrael.
Yisrael smacked them with their sword edge and took their land, from Arnon to Yabok. What they took even included the children of Amon because the border of the children of Amon was strong.29 Yisrael took all of the cities. They settled in all the Emori cities, in Cheshbon and all the towns. Because Cheshbon is the city of Sichon, the king of the Emori. He had fought with the first king of Moav and took all his land until Arnon. This is why the parables say "Come to Cheshbon! Build and establish the city of Sichon!30 Because a fire went out from Cheshbon, a light from within Sichon, it devoured a city of Moav, the masters on the high places of Arnon.31 Oy! Moav! You've lost, people of Kmosh! He gave his sons as fugitives and his daughters into captivity to the Emori king Sichon. We shot! Cheshbon is lost until Deevon! Also to Nophach which goes to Meidva!”
Yisrael lived in the land of the Emori.
Moshe sent spies to Yazer. They took its dependents and kicked out the Emoris there. They turned and rose toward Bashan. Og, the king of the Bashan, came out to greet them at Adre’i, with his whole nation ready for war.
"Don't be afraid of him," Yehovah said to Moshe, "because I've given him and his whole nation and his land in your hand and you'll do him like you did Sichon."
They struck him and his sons and his whole nation until none were left and they took the land.32
The sons of Yisrael traveled to the plains of Moav, on the other side of the Yarden at Yericho and camped there.
The word used here, a “decree,” or a חוק, means that God has decreed it, not commanded it, and it cannot be challenged. God used that word so that Satan and all the other nations couldn’t make fun of Israel for these rules. It…didn’t work.
This can’t possibly smell good, can it?
What else would he use, blood? Please don’t answer, God.
For real! Very eternal!
Just as a general rule, cover all your vessels. That’s how you get ants.
Oh we’re already moving on? OK.
SO. There are many Jews out there (and evangelicals, I suppose) who yearn for a return to the days of the Temple and believe one of the greatest impediments is the lack of one of these pure red cows. These folks are trying to find one and believe that if one is found, it will usher in the age of the Third Temple. Cool!
Surprise!
They seem superconcerned about the cattle.
“A Place of Seeds” is totally the name of an organic supermarket in Park Slope.
You might be wondering how the entirety of the people could gather around such a small place. Well, the Midrash kindly informs us that this is one of those special small places that could fit a lot of people.
Because he hit it! Instead of talking to it! God is kind of insane!
But honestly, the sons of Yisrael fought with Yehovah everywhere.
You probably remember that Edom is the other name for Esav, who was the brother of Yaakov, which was the other name for Yisrael. The Bible is needlessly confusing sometimes.
It turns out J.R.R. Tolkien is a plagiarist.
That’s not a very nice name for a mountain.
That means die!
Extremely unfair.
And just like they did, Jews keep a 30-day period of mourning after a close relative dies!
Nice!
Oh dear.
Meaning "destruction." Which is an extremely cool place name.
All the bad ones from the whole spy thing were dead by now.
SPOILER ALERT: God’s gonna kill some people for this.
Pole? The word is Nes. Very weird!
If you get bit by a snake, you actually need to go to a doctor. Looking at a pole won’t help.
I didn’t say it was a good song.
As everyone knows.
Oh, those old famous parables about Cheshbon and Sichon, king of the Emori
Oh, the parables are still going.
Just like…this is genocide. Let’s call it what it is.