A talking donkey?
Is this the inspiration for Shrek? Probably!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
7: Balak
48: In which extremely fringe characters takes center stage for quite a while
[Numbers 22:2-24:25]
Balak, the son of Tzipor, saw everything Yisrael did to the Emori. Moav was pretty scared of Yisrael because there were a lot of them. Moav trembled in fear.
"Now!" Moav said to the elders of Midyan, "these people will surround us like the ox licks up the grass of the field.1 Balak, the son of Tzipor, was the king of Moav at that time. He sent messengers to Bilam, the sons of B'or, who was hanging out in to P'tor, which is near the river of the land of the sons of his nation.
"Woah!" they said, "there is a nation that came out of Mitzrayim and SHEESH do they cover the face of the land! Also, they are against me. Please come here now and curse them because they are way too strong for me.2 But I know that the people you bless are #blessed and those you curse are cursed, so with your help I might be able to strike at them and chase them away."3
The elders of Moav and Midyan walked with their magic in their hands.4 They came to Bilam and repeated what Balak said.
"Stay here tonight," he said to them, "and I’ll check in with Yehovah about it."
The masters of Moav stayed.
Elohim came to Bilam.
"Who are these people with you?" Elohim said.
"Balak, the son of Tzipor, king of Moav, sent for me," Bilam said. "SHOOP-A-DOOP! Please curse these people that came out of Mitzrayim and covered the eye of the land. That way, we might be able to fight them and chase them away."
"Don’t you dare curse these people or even go against them!" Elohim said to Bilam. “They are truly #blessed."
In the morning, Bilam got up.
"Go back to your land," he said to Balak’s masters. "Yehovah will not let me go with you."
Balak sent more guys, even more honorable than the first ones.
"Don't let anything stop you from coming to me," they told him, quoting Balak, "because I will give you a whole lot of honor, and I will do everything you say. Just, please, come. And curse these people."
"Even if Balak gives me a house stuffed with silver and gold,"5 Bilam said to Balak's slaves, "I still couldn't go and cross the mouth of Yehovah, my Elohim. Even for a small thing. Now, please, stay with me tonight and I’ll see what else Yehovah says to me."
Elohim came to Bilam that night.
"If the men are inviting you to go," Elohim said, "get up and go with them. But only do what I tell you to do."6
Bilam got up in the morning, saddled his ass, and left with the Masters of Moav.
Elohim got so raging mad that he put a messenger of Yehovah in the way to bedevil him.
Bilam rode his ass with his two lads.7
The ass saw Yehovah’s messenger standing in the way, sword drawn, so it turned away and went into the field. Bilam hit the ass to get her back on the path.
Yehovah’s messenger stood in the hollow place between the vineyards, with a fence on each side. The ass saw Yehovah's messenger and threw herself against the wall, crushing Bilam's leg.
He hit her again.
Yehovah's messenger stood in a narrow place with nowhere to turn.8 The ass saw Yehovah's messenger and lay down under Bilam. Bilam got super mad and smacked that ass with his rod.
Yehovah opened the ass's mouth.
"What did you do?" the ass said. "Why did you hit me three times?"
"Because you made fun of me!" Bilam said to the ass.9 "I wish there was a sword in my hand because I'd freaking kill you!"10
"Aren't I the ass you've ridden on your whole life until today?"11 the ass said to Bilam. "Did I ever do this to you before?"12
"No," Bilam said.
Yehovah opened Bilam's eyes and he saw the messenger standing in the road, his sword drawn in his hand. Bilam bowed and fell on his face.13
"Why did you beat that ass those three times?" the messenger said. "GOLLY! You are against me so I came here to mess with you. The ass saw me and turned away three times. Maybe I should kill you and let her live."
"I screwed up," Bilam said to Yehovah's messenger, "I didn't know you were going to meet me on my way. If you think I’m doing the wrong thing, I'll go back."14
"Go with these men," the messenger said, "but only say what I will say to you.15
Bilam went with Balak's masters.
Balak heard Bilam was coming and went out to the city of Moav that is on the border of Arnon to greet him.
"Didn't I send for you to come for me?" Balak said to Bilam. "why didn't you travel to me? Can't I make you honor anymore?"16
"Here. I came to you," Bilam said. "Now can I speak? Whatever Elohim puts in my mouth, I'll say."17
Bilam went with Balak and came to Kiryat Chuzot.
Balak sacrificed sheep and cattle. Then he sent for Bilam and the masters.
In the morning, Balak took Bilam and they went up to Bamot Ba'al. They saw the edge of the nation from there.
"Build me seven altars," Bilam said to Balak, "and prepare seven bulls and seven rams."
Balak did what Bilam said. Balak and Bilam offered a bull and a ram on each altar.18
"Stand by your sacrifice." Bilam said to Balak. “I'll go. Yehovah might call me and show me some words.19 If he does, I'll tell them to you.”
Bilam went away and Elohim came to him.
"I made these seven altars," Bilam said, “and offered a ram and a bull on each one.”20
Yehovah put a word in Bilam's mouth.
"Go back to Balak and say this word," Yehovah said.
He went back and Balak was standing over the sacrifices, him and all the masters of Moav.
He picked up his parable.
"Balak, the king of Moav, dragged me out here from Aram where I was in the mountains in the East,” he said.
"'Curse Yaakov for me,' he said. 'And set rage upon Yisrael.' What, am I going to curse that which the El has not cursed? What am I gonna do, rage at the one at which Yehovah doesn't rage?21 I've seen from the tops of rocks and from the great peaks, well, I reckon, they are a nation that will dwell a lot and not be thought of amongst the nations. Who has tallied the dust of Yaakov or counted the multitudes of Yisrael? Let my soul die the death of the straight folks and let my ending be the same!"
"What did you do to me!" Balak said to Bilam. "I brought you here to curse my enemies, but you're blessing them!"
"I can only say what Yehovah has put in my mouth!" Bilam answered.22
"Come with me to a different lookout point,” Balak said. “You can only see a part of the people there, not all of them. You can curse them from there."23
He took him to the first of Tzophim, on the top of Pisgah. They built seven altars and offered bulls and rams on them.
"Stay here with your offerings," Bilam said, "I have a meeting over there."
Yehovah came to Bilam and put something in his mouth.
"Go back to Balak and tell him that!" Yehovah said.
Bilam came to Balak, who was standing over his offerings with the masters of Moav.
"What did Yehovah say?" Balak asked.
Bilam took his parable.
"Rise, Balak, and listen," Bilam said, "Put your ear to me, oh son of Tzipour. El is not a man. It doesn't lie. It is not a son of a human. It doesn't repent. It doesn't say something and not do it or speak and not put into action. I must bless. I've been taken. And once I bless, it does not return.
"Nobody sees iniquity in Yaakov or toil in Yisrael. Yehovah, their Elohim, is with them, and the blasts of the kings go for them. El took them from Mitzrayim and that's like the horns of the ox to them. Because there is no magic in Yaakov or witchcraft in Yisrael. This is what is said to Yaakov and Yisael: WHAT DID EL DO!
"They are a nation that rises like a lioness and lifts itself up like a lion. They will not rest until they've devoured their prey and drank the blood of the slain."24
"Don't curse them or bless them!" Balak said.
"Didn't I tell you that I would do everything Yehovah said?" Bilam said.
"Let me take you somewhere else," Balak said, "maybe it will go straight in the eyes of the Elohim, and you can curse them for me from there."25
Balak took Bilam to the top of P'or that looks over the face of desert.
"Build me seven altars here," Bilam said to Balak, "and prepare seven bulls and seven rams."
Balak did what Bilam said. He offered the rams and bulls on the altars.
Bilam saw that Yehovah liked it when he blessed Yisrael, so he didn’t go back to chilling with enchantments like he used to, but looked toward the desert. Bilam sent his eyes and saw Yisrael settled by their tribes. The spirit of Elohim was on that.
This is what he said.
“Word of Bilam, son of B’or
Word of the dude whose eyes are open
Word of the guy who hears the El
Who can see the visions of Shadai
Falls down with open eyes.
How good are your tents, Yaakov
And the sanctuaries of Yisrael!
Stretched out like valleys
Like gardens near a river
Like aloes planted by Yehovah
Like cedars over water.
Water drips from its branches
Its seed has a ton of water
His king will come from Agag
And his kingdom will be the best.
El, who took them from Mitzrayim,
Is like some big-ass horns on a wild ox
He’ll eat the nations that go against him
CRUSH THEIR BONES!
BREAK THEIR ARROWS!
He relaxed and lay down like a lion,
Yeah, a lion.26 Who’s gonna wake him?
Those who bless you are blessed.
Those who curse you are cursed.”
Balak got so mad at Bilam that he clapped his hands.27
“I called you to damn my enemies!” Balak said to Bilam, “but instead you #blessed them. THREE TIMES! Get the hell back to your place now! I told you I was gonna give you good stuff, but Yehovah stopped that from happening”
“I friggin’ told your messengers that even if you gave me a house full of silver and gold, I wouldn’t be able to cross the word of Yehovah to do the good or bad in my own heart. I could only say what Yehovah dictated to me. I’m going home now, but let me tell you what these people are going to do to your nation soon.”
He got into his blessing pose and this is what he said:
“Word of Bilam, son of B’or
Word of the dude whose eye is open
Word of the guy who hears the voice of El
And knows the knowledge of the most high28
Who speaks with Shadai
And falls with open eyes.
What I see is not now
I behold but it’s not soon
A star rises from Yaakov
And a tribe gets up from Yisrael
And destroys the bow of Moav
And smashes all the sons of Shet.
Edom is a possession
And Seir is a possession of its enemies
And Yisrael does power.
A dominant one will come from Yaakov
And make lost everything left in the city.”
He saw Amalek and got into his preachin’ pose and said:
“Amalek was the first nation!
After, it will be lost forever.”
He saw the Kini and got into his prophesying position again. He said:
“Look, the place where you dwell might be safe
and your nests set in stone
but Kain will be laid when
Until when? Ashur will take you captive.”
He got into his pose again.
“Oy! Who will live except for who El says!
Ships will come from Kittim
From Ashur and Ever
They’ll also be lost forever.”
Bilam got up and went home. Balak also went on his way.29
49: In which everyone goes rogue
[Numbers 25:1-25:9]
Yisrael lived in Shittim. The nation started to fuck around with some of the daughters of Moav who called them to give offerings to their Elohim. The nation ate and sacrificed to their Elohim. That’s how Yisrael got hooked up with Baal-Peor.
Yehovah was fucking pissed with Yisrael.
“Take all the heads of the nation,” Yehovah said to Moshe “and fucking impale them for Yehovah in front of the sun so that the furious anger of Yehovah turns away from Yisrael.”
“Kill anyone who has aligned with Baal-Peor,” Moshe said to the judges of Yisrael.
One of the sons of Yisrael came and brought a Midyani women to his brothers, in full view of Moshe and all the sons of Yisrael while they were crying at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting.
Pinchas, the son of Elazar, son of Aharon the Kohein, saw. He left the group, taking a spear with him.
He followed the Yisrael man into his chamber and impaled both of them—the Yisrael man and the women—through their bellies.
The plague was lifted from on the sons of Yisrael.30 24,000 died in the plague.
Is this a good metaphor or a bad one? Who knows? Not me!
Curses…work?
You might be asking…”How is this possible? How could God give powers like this to other people?” Well, he did it (according to Midrash) so the other nations couldn’t complain that they weren’t given prophecy.
That’s how I walk all the time. You can get arrested for that now.
Sounds uncomfortable.
Seems…confusing.
Nice.
Ok.
How is his response not “HOLY SHIT A TALKING DONKEY!”?
Um why.
That’s an old ass.
Like, talk?
Why didn’t God do that in the first place?
GOD TOLD HIM TO GO!
That’s what he was doing, ya dick.
Um. He’s there.
Mmm-hmm.
I really wish these two guys had names that were more different.
You ever sit by the phone on a Friday night waiting for Yehovah to call?
Good for you!
Debatable.
Yum yum yum yum.
Sure, maybe a change of scenery will help!
So fucking metal.
Balak is so dumb.
Using a different word for lion in Hebrew.
Oh, man, that completely changes how I think about applause.
Heh.
THE END.
What plague?