Week 38: Pinchas
In which things are very exciting for a moment and the get very boring
Do you like holidays?
Because there are a whole lot of them this week!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
8: Pinchas
50: In which God makes a deal with his willing executioner
[Numbers 25:10-25:18]
“Pinchas, the son of Elazar, son of Aharon the Kohein,’ Yehovah said to Moshe, “that’s the guy who made me calm down when I was mad at the sons of Yisrael. He was jealous for my jealousy!1 Because of him, I didn’t wipe out the sons of Yisrael in my jealousy!2 So please, tell him that I’m making a covenant of peace with him. It’ll be for him and his seed after, the Kohein Covenant forever because he was jealous for his Elohim and atoned on the sons of Yisrael.”
The name of the guy Pinchas fucking murdered while he was having sex with the Midyani lady was Zimri, son of Salu, president of Shimon, his father’s house.
The woman’s name was Cosby, daughter of Tzur, who was the head of his father’s house of Midyan.3
“Strike at the Midyanis!” Yehovah said to Moshe. Because they came at you. They used their trickiness to trick you with the Peor thing and the thing with the Cosby girl, the way she got killed during the plague because of the Peor thing.”4
51: In which the people prepare for war by counting
[Numbers 26:1-26:51]
“Do a headcount of all the sons of Yisrael who are 20 years and older in their father’s houses,” Yehovah said to Moshe and Elazar, son of Aharon the Kohein, after the plague. “Anyone from Yisrael who can go out to battle.”
“From 20 years and up,” Moshe and Elazar the Kohein said in the plains of Moav near the Yarden at Yericho, “just like Yehovah commanded Moshe and the sons of Yisrael who he took out of the land of Mitzayim.”5
Reuven, the first born of Yisrael, the sons of Reuven, Chanoch and the Chanochi family, Phaloo and the Phaloo family, Chetzron and the Chetzron family, Charmi and the Charmi family—those are the families of Reuven. Their count is 43,730.
Eliav was the son of Phaloo.
Nemuel, Datan, and Aviram were the sons of Eliav. That's the same Datan and Aviram who split apart the nation and who went up against Moshe and Aharon in Korach’s rebellion when they fought with Yehovah.6 The ground opened its mouth and swallowed them and Korach.7 Fire devoured 250 men. It was a miracle.
Korach’s sons didn’t die.8
The sons of Shimon!
Nemuel and the Nemuel family, Yamin and the Yamin family, Yachin and the Yachin family, Zerach and the Zerach family, Shaul and the Shaul family, these are the families of Shimon. There were 22,200 of them.9
The sons of God by their families. Tzphon and the Tzphon family, Chagi and the Chagi family, Shuno and the Shuni family, Ozni and the Ozni family, Eri and the Eri family, Aror and the Aror family, Areli and Areli family. These are the family of the sons of God. Their count is 40,500.
The sons of Yehudah are Er and Onen. Er and Onen died in C’naan.10
The sons of Yehudah by their families are—Shela and the Shela family, Peretz and the Peretz family, Zerach and the Zerach family.
The sons of Peretz were Chetzron and the Chetzron family, and Chamool and the Chamool family. These are the families of Yehudah. By their count, there were 76,500.11
The sons of Yisaschar by their families! Tola, the Tola family, Poovah and the Poovah family, Yashuv and the Yashuv family, Shimron and the Shimron family. Those were the families of Yisaschar by their count: 64,300.
And now, the sons of Zevulun by their families! Sered and the Sered family, Eilon and the Eilon family, Yachliel and the Yachliel family. These are the families of Zevulun. There were 60,500 of them. Based on the amazing art of counting.
Next up, the sons of Yoseph by their families: Ephraim and Menashe.12
The sons of Menashe, to Machir and the family of Machir, Machir had Gilad and Gilad had the Gilad family.13 The sons of Gilad were E’ezer and the E’ezer family, Chelek and the Chelek family, Ashriel and the Ashriel family, Shechem and the Shechem family, Shmida and the Shmida family, Chefer and the Chefer family.
Tzlaphchad, son of Chefer, didn’t have sons. Only daughters. They were Machla, Noa, Chagla, Milka, and Tirtza.
These are the families of Menashe. There were 52,700 of them.
The sons of Ephraim were the Shutelach and the Shutelach family, Becher and the Becher family, and Tachan and the Tachan family. The sons of Shutelach were Eiran and the Eiran family. Those are the families of the sons of Ephraim by their count.
32,500.
Those are the sons of Yoseph by their families.
Get ready for the sons of Binyamin! We’ve got Belah and the Belah family, Ashbel and the Ashbel family, Achiram and the Achiram family, Shphupham and the Shphupham family, and Chupam and the Chupam family.
Ard and Naaman are the sons of Belah. Both of them have families, SHOCKINGLY.14 Those are the sons of Binyamin by their families. Their count was 45,600.
The sons of Dan by their families are Shucham and the Shucham family.
Those are the families of Dan by their families.
We got 64,400 people in Shucham.
Heeeeeeeeeee’s Asher! Yimna and the Yimna family, Yishvi and the Yishvi family, to Vriah and the Vriah family. The sons of Vriah, Chever and the Chever family, and Malchiel and the Malchiel family. Asher had a daughter named Sharach.
Those were the families of Asher. All 53,400 of them.
Now Naphtali: Yachtzel and the Yachtzael family, Goony and the Goony family, Yetzer and the Yetzer family, and Sheelem and the Sheelem family. 45,400 of ‘em.
There were 601,730 sons of Yisrael.15
52: In which there are instructions that won’t matter for 40 years
[Numbers 26:52-26:56]
“Cut the land into pieces,”16 Yehovah said to Moshe, “based on the number of people in each tribe. Give bigger portions to the bigger tribes and smaller portions to the smaller tribes. Give them to everyone based on the headcount. Also, divide the land by lots using the names of the tribes of their fathers. Divide it between the many and the few based on a lottery.”17
53: In which there’s more counting, this time of different people
[Numbers 26:57-26:65]
This is how many Levis there were. We’ve got Gershon and the Gershon family, Kehat and the Kehat family,18 and Merari and the Merari family. These are the families of Levi, the Livni family, the Chevroni family, the Machli family, the Mushy family, and the Karchi family.19
Kehat had Amram. Amram’s woman was Yocheved, the daughter of Levi, who was born to Levi in Mitzrayim. She gave birth to Aharon and Moshe. Also to Miriam, their sister.
Nadav, Avihu, Elazar, and Etamar were born to Aharon.
Nadav and Avihu died when they brought weird fire to Yehovah.20
They have 23,000 boys a month and older. Since they weren’t counted with the sons of Yisrael, they were not given an inheritance among them.
That’s what Moshe and Elazar the Kohein counted in the plains of Moav by the Yarden near Yericho. Not a single one of them had been counted by Moshe and Aharon when the sons of Yisrael were counted in the Seenai Desert. Because Yehovah said to them “YOU WILL ALL DIE IN THE DESERT!” Not a single one was left except Kalev the son of Yephunah and Yehushua the son of Nun.
54: In which a group of women demand what’s theirs
[Numbers 27:1-27:11]
The daughters of Tzlaphchad, son of Chepher, son of Gilad, son of Macher, son of Menashe were brought forward by their families. Menashe was the son of Yoseph, by the way.21
Machla, Noa, Chagla, Milka, and Tirtza were their names. They stood by the entrance of the tent of Witnessing, before Moshe, Elazar the kohein, the presidents, and the whole phalanx.
“Our father died in the desert,” they said,22 “and he was not part of the group that rebelled against Yehovah with Korach. He died in his sin and didn’t have any sons. Why should our father’s name be wiped out of our family just because he didn’t have a son?23 Give us an inheritance amongst our father’s brothers.”
Moshe brought their family before Yehovah.
“The daughters of Tzlaphchad are right,” Yehovah said. “Give them an inheritance with their father’s brothers so their father’s inheritance will pass down to them. Then, tell the sons of Yisrael, that if a man dies without sons, his inheritance goes to his daughters. And if he doesn’t have daughters, it goes to his brothers. And if he doesn’t have brothers, it goes to his father’s brothers. And if his father doesn’t have brothers, he should give it to whichever family member is closest to him.24 This will be a decree of rules for the sons of Yisrael that Yehovah commanded Moshe.”25
55: In which God teases Moshe
[Numbers 27:12-27:23]
“Get up on the mountain of Avarim,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “and look at the land I’m going to give to the sons of Yisrael. When you see it, I’ll gather you up to your nation, just like I did to your brother Aharon.26 Because you rebelled against me in the desert of Tzin when the people fought to sanctify the water in front of them. That was the water of Merivat Kadesh in the Desert of Tzin.”27
“Yehovah, Elohim of the winds and all flesh,” Moshe said, “please set a man above the phalanx who will go out in front of them, will come in front of them,28 will take them out, and will bring them in. Don’t let the sons of Yisrael be like sheep without a shepherd.”29
“Take Yehoshua the son of Nun,” Yehovah said, “a man who has wind within him,30 and put your hand on him. Stand him before Elazar the Kohein and the whole phalanx and command him in their view. Put my honor on him so that the entire sons of Yisrael phalanx will listen to him forever.
“Standing in front of Elazar the Kohein, Yehoshua will ask for judgement from the Urim before Yehovah. On his word, the people will go out and come, him and all the sons of Yisrael with him, and all the rest.”
Moshe did what Yehovah commanded him. He took Yehoshua, stood him in from of Elazar the Kohein and the whole phalanx. He put his hand on him and commanded him, just like Yehovah said, by the hand of Moshe.
56: In which there are more rules
[Numbers 28:1-28:8]
“Command the sons of Yisrael,” Yehovah said to Moshe, “to remember to offer the bread presented to me as a fire offering to make a good smell at the right times.31 Tell them to bring a fire offering to Yehovah.32 Two pure year-old lambs per day forever. Make the first lamb in the morning and the second one between the mixings.33
“Take a tenth of an epha of fine flour mixed up with a quarter-hin of beaten oil for a meal-offering. It is an offering forever on Mount Seenai to make a nice firey smell for Yehovah.
“Make the drink offering a quarter-hin for the one lamb, do it in the holy, pour out the drink offering for Yehovah.
“Make the second lamb between the mixings, using the same meal-offering and drink-offering as the morning to make a nice smell for Yehovah.”
57: In which we learn which animals to kill on the fucking Shabbos
[Numbers 28:9-28:10]
“On the fucking Shabbos, give two pure year-old lambs, two tenths of an epha of fine flour mixed with oil as a meal-offering, and a drink-offering. This is the ola offering for the fucking Shabbos on top of the constant offering and the drink-offering.”
58: In which we learn the appropriate sacrifice for the first day of the month
[Numbers 28:11-28-15]
“At the heads of your months, bring an ola to Yehovah: two year-old bulls and one ram, 7 pure year-old lambs, three-tenths an epha of fine flour for the meal-offering mixed up with oil for one bull, two-tenths of an epha of fine flour for the meal-offering mixed up in oil for the one ram. A little tenth of an epha of fine flour for the meal-offering mixed up in oil for each lamb. It will be an ola to make a nice smell as a fire-offering for Yehovah.34
“Their drink-offering will be half a hin of wine for each bull, a third of a hin for the ram, and a quarter-hin for each lamb. This is the ola for each month of the year.
“Also, one he-goat as a sin-offering to Yehvoah in addition to the normal forever ola and its drink-offering.”
59: In which we learn which animals to slaughter on Passover
[Numbers 28:16-28:25]
“In the first month, on the fourteenth day of the month, it will be a Pesach to Yehovah. And on the 15th day of this month, it’s a festival day. Eat matzos for seven days.
“The first day is a holy happening. Don’t do any work. Bring an ola to Yehovah, two bulls the son of cattle, one ram, and seven pure year-old lambs. For the meal-offerings: fine flour mixed up with oil, three-tenths for a bull, two-tenths for a ram. Make a tenth for each of the seven rams. Also do a he-goat as a sin-offering to atone on yourselves. Offer these in addition to the morning ola you always do. Do it.
“Do this every day for seven days. Use bread to make a nice smell for Yehovah over your normal daily olas and drink-offerings.
“On the seventh day, it’s a holy happening for you. Don’t do any work.”
60: In which a lesser-known holiday is brought up again
[Numbers 28:26-28:31]
“On the day of the firstborns, bring a new meal-offering to Yehovah on your week-party. It’s a holy happening for you to Yehovah. Don’t do any work.35
“Bring an ola for a nice smell to Yehovah. Two boy bulls, one ram, and seven year-old lambs. Their meal-offering is fine flour mixed up with oil. Three-tenths for the one bull, two-tenths for the ram and one-tenth for the lambs, each of the seven. Also, one he-goat to atone for yourselves. Do it on top of the normal ola and its meal-offering. Do it. They will be pure for you and their drink-offerings.”
61: In which a description of the fall holidays lasts almost as long as Yom Kippur does
[Numbers 29:1-30:1]
“The first day of the seventh month is a holy happening to you. Don’t do any work. It’s a day of blasts for you.36 Make an ola to make a nice smell for Yehovah. One young bull, one ram, and seven pure year-old lambs. Their meal-offering is fine flour mixed up with oil, three-tenths for the bull, two-tenths for the ram, and one-tenth for each of the seven lambs. Also, a he-goat for the sin offering to atone on yourselves. This is in addition to the ola for the month and the meal-offering and the regular daily ola and its meal-offering and pouring that I’ve commanded you.
“To make a nice smell for Yehovah.
“On the tenth day of this seventh month, it’s a holy happening for you. Afflict your souls! Don’t do any work. Bring an ola to Yehovah to make a nice smell. A young bull, a ram, and seven pure year-old lambs. Their meal-offering is fine flour mixed with oil. Three-tenths for a bull, two-tenths for a ram, and one-tenth for each of the seven lambs. Take a he-goat for the sin-offering in attention to the sin-offering of atoning and the daily ola, its meal-offering, and its pouring.
“On the 15th day of the seventh month, it’s a holy happening for you.37 Don’t do any work. Make a festival for Yehovah for seven days. Sacrifice an ola to make a nice smell for Yehovah. 13 young bulls, 2 rams, 14 pure year-old lambs, their meal-offering, fine flour mixed up with oil, three-tenths for each of the 13 bulls, two-tenths for each of the two rams, and one-tenth for each of the 14 lambs. Also, one he-goat for the sin offering over the normal daily ola, its meal offerings, and pourings.
“On the second day: 12 young bulls, two rams, and 14 pure year-old lambs. And the meal-offerings and pourings for the bulls, rams, and lambs are the same as usual. Also, a he-goat for the sin-offering. Over the normal ola, its meal offerings, and its pourings.
“On the third day: 11 bulls, 2 rams, 14 pure year-old lambs, and their meal offerings and pourings based on the rules. Also, one he-goat for the sin-offering, over the normal ola, meal offerings, and pourings.
“On the fourth day: 10 bulls, 2 rams, and 14 pure year-old lambs. And, you know, the meal offerings and pourings for each of these, and a he-goat for the sin offering, all this is above the normal ola, meal, and pour.
“On the fifth day: 9 bulls, 2 rams, and 14 pure year-old lambs. Their meals, their pours, yadda yadda, a he-goat for sins, over and above the regular stuff.
“On the sixth day: GUESS WHAT? 8 bulls, 2 rams, 14 super special lambs. Their other stuff. A he-goat. Over and above, etc.
“On the seventh day! 7 bulls, 2 rams, 14 lambs. Flour, oil, he-goat. More than usual.38
“The eighth day is a special time for you. Don’t do any work!39 Bring an ola to make a nice smell for Yehovah. One bull, one ram, and 7 pure year-old lamb. Do their meal-offerings and pourings according to the rules. Also, a he-goat as a sin-offering on top of the normal ola, its meal offerings, and its pouring.
“Do these for Yehovah at his special times, in addition to your promises, your just-becauses, your olas, your meal offerings, your pourings, and your peace offerings.”
Moshe told the sons of Yisrael everything Yehovah commanded Moshe.
If we’ve learned anything from God, anyone who shares his temperament is an insane person.
Pretty much a constant struggle for God.
And thus the ignominious history of the “Cosby” name began.
Yeah, ok, we know.
Even in the desert, they weren’t desperate enough to draft teenagers.
Remember that?
In case you didn’t, that’s what happened.
OK, cool.
Boy, this week sure is sneaky. We started out with a whole lotta action, but it’s really just this boring admin stuff.
In sexy ways.
Oh my god stop.
Ok, at least we’re doing them together.
Just kidding, no we’re not!
OMG.
Who were male and 20 and over.
Cut the land into portions/Eilat is a resort.
That seems…contradictory.
Lost a few of those in the…event.
Honestly, just settle in, because this week is a long one. It doesn’t get much better after the counting’s done.
Remember?
Hooray! An actual story!
He was the dude who was stoned for collecting sticks, apparently
Very. Good. Question.
Just like God to turn this important feminist moment into endless freaking rules.
And for the daughters of Yisrael…
That’s, um, a death threat.
As you’ll recall, God told Moshe to talk to a rock but he hit it instead. That’s “rebelling.” Kinda feels like God just wanted a reason.
Ewww.
Also known as “sheeple.”
He’s holding in a fart?
If it’s at the wrong times, he’ll probably send snakes or something.
See? And you thought we were getting stories. Twist!
AKA at dusk.
That’s a lot to do every month but sure.
It’s nice to see that the whole day off of work thing is literally in the Bible and not just something we all added later to tell our bosses. God literally said we can’t work. Except for all the slaughtering and blood-slinging, of course. But a Levi does that.
A fun thing to remember is that the Jewish calendar, as followed in modern times, is actually completely wrong. Rosh Hashana happens in the seventh month, not the first, and Pesach happens in the first month. But whatever, it’s not like we slaughter animals publicly anymore either.
It’s gonna be a busy month. Why couldn’t God space this out more? No one knows.
This has been a ton of animals! Would’ve been easier to follows if it was the same rules as Pesach and the same number of animals each day, but then musaf on Sukkot wouldn’t be as fun or confusing, especially outside of Israel where all the days are different!
Since everyone had to be in Jerusalem for these holidays, how were they working on the days when they didn’t have off? The only solution is biblically-mandated remote work. It’s all in the Bible, folks!