What a year it’s been!
We’re almost done with this thing! What will we do when we start over? I’m not sure yet!
How this works
Parsha (aka “Torah Portion”) - The rest of this email contains this week’s parsha. If you’re struggling to read it, it might be easier to open in Substack itself rather than in your email client.
Chapters - The parsha is divided into chapters. I made these chapter divisions myself. They are based entirely on my personal tastes and have no connection to the actual chapters. Each chapter begins with a title.
Actual Verses - After each chapter title, there’s a little indicating which verses are included in that chapter. To make this as readable as possible, this is not a verse-by-verse translation.
Commentary - You’ll notice a bunch of footnote symbols throughout the translation. Click on those to read my commentary and/or jokes. Click on the number again to jump back to where you were in the text.
Enjoy!
1: Words
1: In which the extremely long recap begins
[Deuteronomy 1:1-2:15]
Moshe said all these words to Yisrael on the other side of the Yarden, in the desert, aka the Aravah, over by Suf, between Paran, Tofel, Lavan,1 Chatzerot, and Di Zahav.2 If you were to walk from Chorev to Kadesh Barnea by way of Mount Seir, it’s a ten-day journey.3
On the first day of the 11th month of the 40th year, Moshe told the sons of Yisrael everything Yehovah commanded him. This was after he knocked off both Sichon, king of the Emori, who lived in Cheshbon, and Og, the king of Bashan, who lived in Ashtarot in Edrei. Moshe decided to explain the Torah on the other side of the Yarden, in the land of Moav.
This is what he said.
“Yehovah, our Elohim, spoke to us at Chorev. 'You've been hanging out around this mountain for too long,' Yehovah said.4 'Turn around and get going. Go to the Emori hills, and the other places near there, to the Aravah, the hill country, the lowlands, the South, the beaches, the land of the C'naani and the Levanon, until Parat, the big river. Check it out! Now the land is in front of you! Go in and take the land I swore to give to your fathers—to Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov—and to their seed after.'
“I also talked to you back then,” Moshe said.5
“'I can't deal with you alone,' I said. 'Yehovah, your Elohim, made way too many of you! You’re like the stars of the sky!6
“Yehovah, the Elohim of your fathers, said he’d bless you. And he did. He’s made a thousand times more of you than there used to be.7 How can I deal with all your fights and questions and nonsense by myself? Get some smart guys8 who knows things in each tribe, and I’ll let them be in charge.'
“’That’s a good idea,' you said.
“So I took the heads of your tribes, who were smart and understood things, and put them in charge of you. There were people in charge of thousands, of hundreds, of 50, and of 10 in each tribe.9
“'Listen to your brothers and decide their arguments with righteousness,' told those guys. 'Be righteous to each other, whether the fight is between a man and his brother or with a stranger. Don’t be biased! Listen to everybody, whether they’re big deals or small fry. Do not be afraid of anyone because you are sharing the judgment of the Elohim. If anything is too hard for you, bring it to me and I’ll deal with it.'
“Back then, I commanded you all the things you should do. We left Chorev and went through this giant and horrible desert you all saw, by the way of the Emori hill country, just like Yehovah, our Elohim, commanded us. Then we got to Kadesh Barnea.
“'We are now arriving at the Emori hill country,' I said to you,10 'which Yehovah, our Elohim, gave us. See? Yehovah gave it to us! Rise up! Take it! Just like Yehovah your Elohim told you! Don't be afraid or freak out!'11
“Then you all got real close to me.
“'Let's send some men up ahead,' you said, 'to check out the land. They'll come back to us and tell us which way to go and what cities are there and stuff.'
“I thought that was a good idea so I picked out twelve men—one from each tribe. They set out for the hill country. When they got to Nachal Eshkol, they spied. They came back with their report and a whole bunch of fruit.12
“'The land Yehovah, our Elohim, is gonna give to us is real good,' they said.
“But you refused to go. You disobeyed the mouth of Yehovah, your Elohim.13 You sulked in your tents, saying 'Yehovah hates us. He took us out of Egypt just to let the Emori destroy us. Where are we even going? When our brothers told us there was a nation there bigger and taller than us,14 with big cities protected by walls that reached the skies, and that there were even Anakim there, they ripped our hearts out.'
“'Do not be afraid of them,' I said to you. 'Yehovah, your Elohim, who travels in front of you, will fight for you, just like he did in Mitzrayim. You saw it! With your eyes!15 You also saw how Yehovah, your Elohim, carried you like a father carries his son the entire time you were in the desert up to this moment.
“'But it didn’t matter! You still didn't believe in Yehovah, your Elohim, who goes in front of you to scout out the places you'll camp, in fire by night and in cloud by day. Just to lead you on your journey.'16
“Yehovah heard your dumbass words, got extremely pissed, and made a vow.
“'None of the men from this evil generation will ever see the beautiful land I promised to their fathers,’ Yehovah said. ‘Except for Kalev the son of Yephuna. He'll see it. I'll give him the land he went to, for his sons too, because he stayed loyal to Yehovah.
“Yehovah was pissed at me too,” Moshe continued. “Because of you.”17
“'You won't go into the land either,' Yehovah said to me, 'Yehoshua, son of Nun, who stands before you, will go there. Make him strong because he will divide up Yisrael. Your children who you said would be taken captive, who don't know good from bad yet, those are the ones who will go there and who will inherit the land.18 But you, turn and march to the desert by way of the Reed Sea.'
“'We made a big mistake with this whole Yehovah thing,' you said to me. 'We'll go up now! We'll fight! Just like Yehovah commanded us!' You all girded yourselves with war tools and ran toward the hill country.19
“'Tell them not to go up and fight!' Yehovah said to me. 'I am not with you! They’re gonna get fucking destroyed!'
“I warned you but you didn't listen. You ignored Yehovah's mouth and went up to the hill country like a bunch of dipshits. The Emori who live in the hills came out at you like a swarm of bees and chased you away, crushing you in Seir, pushing you back all the way to Chorma.
“You came back and you cried in front of Yehovah. But Yehovah wouldn't listen. Then, after spending all that time in Kadesh, we turned and marched back to the desert by way of the Reed Sea, coming close to the hills of Seir for a while.”
“'You've been close to these hills for too long,' Yehovah said to me. 'It's time to turn north. Tell the nation that they're about to pass through the borders of their brothers—the sons of Eisav—who live in Seir. They'll be scared of you, but be careful. Don't provoke them.20 I won't give you even a foot of their land. The hills of Seir belong to Eisav. If you want to eat or drink any of their stuff, you have to buy it. Yehovah, your Elohim, has blessed you in everything you've done. He's taken care of you as you've wandered this big desert. Yehovah has been with you these forty years and you have lacked for nothing.
“We went from our brothers, the sons of Eisav, who live in Seir, to the road of Arava, from Eilat and Etzion Gever. Then we marched toward the desert of Moav.
“'Don't harass Moav or provoke them into a war,' Yehovah said to me. 'You won't get any of their land because I have given Ar to the sons of Lot.21 The Emim used to live here. They were as big as the Anakim and there were a ton of them. Now, Seir, that's where the Chori used to live. But the sons of Eisav took it over and destroyed them, kind of like how Yisrael did in the land I'm going to give them.
“'Anyway, get up! Cross the Nachal Zered!'
“So we got up and crossed the Nachal Zered,” Moshe said. “38 years passed from when we left Kadesh Barnea until we crossed Nachal Zered. There were 38 years until all the generations of war people had died out, like Yehovah swore would happen. Yehovah's hand ripped them all out of the camp.”
2: In which there is another touchy situation
[Deuteronomy 2:16-2:37]
“When all the war people were dead,” Moshe continued, “Yehovah spoke to me again.”
“'Today you're going to pass through Ar, which is Moav’s territory,' Yehovah said. 'At that point, you'll be very close to the sons of Amon. Don't bother them! That land is not for you. I also gave it to the sons of Lot.22 It's considered part of the Rephaim territory. The Rephaim, who the Ammonim used to call, “Zamzummim,” lived there.23 They were a big nation, as tall as the Anakim.24 Yehovah wiped them all out so the Ammonim could take over, just like he did for the sons of Eisav who live in Seir, when he wiped out the Chori and gave them the place, which they hold until today.25 Also, the Avim, who live in Chazrim near Gaza. The Caphtorim from Caphtor came by, wiped them out, and took over.26
“'Get up! Go cross the Nachal Arnon. You see, I put Sichon, the Amori, king of Chesbon, and his land into your hands. Get over there and start a war! Today I will start to make all the nations afraid of you so that when they hear of you they'll fall apart.
“I sent messengers from the desert of Kedemot,” Moshe said, “to King Sichon of Cheshbon, bringing words of peace.
“'Let us pass through your country,' they said. 'We'll stay on the big road. We won't go right or left. We will pay for anything we eat or drink. Just let us pass through, like the sons of Eisav in Seir and the Moav who live in Ar did for us. I just need to cross the Yarden to the land that Yehovah, our Elohim, is going to give to us.'
“But King Sichon of Cheshbon didn't let us through,” Moshe said, “because Yehovah had stiffened his spirit and hardened his heart.27 So he could be given to your hand this day.
“'You see,' Yehovah said to me, “I will give you Sichon and his land. Take it. It's yours.'
“Sichon brought out all his men to fight us at Yahaz. But Yehovah, our Elohim, let us defeat him, his sons, and his whole nation. We took all his cities and destroyed them all—men, women, and children. No one survived.28 We only kept the animals and booty as spoils of the cities we captured. No fortification was too strong for us—from Aroer on the edge of Nachal Arnon, including the city in the Nachal, to Gilad. Yehovah gave us everything. But you didn't go to the land of the sons of Ammon, which was near Nachal Yabbok and the cities of the hill. Just like Yehovah, our Elohim, commanded.”
3: In which another local tough is roasted
[Deuteronomy 3:1-3:22]
“We turned and went the Bashan way. Og, the King of Bashan, with his entire army in tow, came out to meet us in Edre’i. For battle.
“’Don’t worry,’ Yehovah said to me. ‘I’ll make him yours. Him and all his nation and his land. I’ll take him out just like I took out Sichon the king of the Emori who lived in Cheshbon.’
“Yehovah, our Elohim, also gave us Og, King of the Bashan, and his entire country. We destroyed them all. There were no survivors. We took all his cities, leaving not a single one. Even the 60 cities of Argov in the kingdom of Bashan. These were cities with tall fortified walls, doors, and bars. There were also a whole lotta open towns.29 We destroyed them all just like we did to Sichon, King of Cheshbon, annihilating every city, and also all men, women and children. We plundered the animals and spoils.
“We took the land from two Emori kings who were on the other side of the Yarden from Nachal Aronon until Mount Chermon. The people of Tzidon call Chermon ‘Siryon’ and the Emori call it ‘Sneer.’ We took all the cities in the flatlands, the whole area of the Bashan until Salchah, and Edre’i, the cities of the kingdom of Og in Bashan. From all the Rephaim, only Og, King of Bashan, survived.30 He sat on an iron throne in Rabat, of the sons of Amon, nine amahs long and 4 amahs wide.31
“Of the land we captured, I gave Reuven and Gad the area from Areer by the Nachel Arnon and half of Mount Gilad and its cities. The rest of Gilad and all of Bashan from the kingdom of Og I gave to half of Menashe. This include all of Argov and all of Bashan, called the land of Rehpaim. Yair, son of Menashe, took the whole Argov group until the border of the Geshuir and the Maakavti and call it Chavot Yair, which is still used to this day.
“I gave Machir the Gilad.
“I gave Reuven and Gad the area from Gilad until the Nachal Arnon inside the Nachal, its surrounding area until the Yabok, and the Nachal around the Amoni. Also, the Aravah, the Yarden, and its boundary from the Kineret until the Aravah Sea, the Salt Sea under the waterfall under the eastern cliff.
“’Yehovah, your Elohim, has given you this land to settle in,’ is what I said. ‘Let every able-bodied man lead an army before your brothers in the sons of Yisrael. Only the women and children can stay. Also, the cattle. I know you have a lot of cattle. They’ll stay in the cities I gave you. When your brothers finally get to take the land Yehovah has promised them, you can go back to your land.’
“‘You’ve seen everything Yehovah has done to the two kings with your eyes,’ I commanded Yehoshua back then.32 ‘That’s what Yehovah will do to all the kingdoms you’ll be crossing. Don’t worry because Yehovah, your Elohim, will be fighting for you.’”
Tofel and Lavan are never mentioned anywhere else! Commentators say these all refer to the man. Since tofel means “foolish” and lavan means “white” and it’s a reference to them saying foolish things about maan, which was white. Sure!
Also not a place! But maybe it refers to the Golden Calf because zahav means “gold.” Do you buy that? I don’t know if I do!
But you have to like, speed-walk.
Whose fault is that?
Keep in mind, all the people who were at the mountain are dead now. So he could be making all of this up.
Vastly underestimating the number of stars here.
You could blame that on Yehovah, but it could be people of Yisrael just loved to fuck.
It troubled the ancient sages that the text would mention “men” here. Of course they were men! There’s no way women could possibly be chosen! This is to indicate the men should be righteous.
It all worked out perfectly. There were no remainders.
You can tell by the giant sign.
This never happened.
Thus establishing a long history of Jews coming back from Israel with products only available there. Do you have any idea what it was like before M&Ms were kosher outside of Israel? Or Gummi Bears?
Moshe is lying his dick off right now. The spies were terrified.
To be fair, pretty much every nation is bigger and taller than the Jews.
Ya dummies.
Ungrateful!
Way to guilt-trip them, Moshe.
It's pretty insane no one tried to just...go to the land.
This didn't happen.
Don’t make any sudden moves or loud noises. It freaks them out.
A ton of this land is already spoken for. Sounds like the chosen people aren't so chosen after all.
Man, Lot made out like a bandit.
Those Ammonim were crazy.
Who wasn't?
Omg stop talking.
This is a lot of words just to say “don’t mess with the locals.”
Sounds like Yehovah was itching to see some fighting.
Holy shit.
Depending on where you put the vowel, this could be “open towns” or “Perizi towns.”
So I guess they didn’t kill everyone.
It turns out this was Game of Thones all along.
Man, I wish this could just be a flashback.